Milli/ noticing change...

Hola Mundo, Hoy es Thursday 19th, 2009. First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGIE ! ! Angie is or was,my roommate from my college years and today its her birthday so i wanted to shout her out lol.

Any who again last night i missed a blog : ( . I am so sorry to whoever reads and sorry to myself. I honestly was super exhausted after MY FIRST DAY OF WORK ! ! So let me start with that lol. I had to be at Hunts Point Head Start at 8:00 in the morning. SUPER EARLY, i know. And being jobless for 2 months has lead to me sleeping late and going to bed late so that was like WHOA for me lol. I was exhausted. And i had to work with 52 kids between the ages of 3 and 6. Making sure they got vision screening test, saw the doctor, figure out if they were going to be referred for a second appointment and if they are fill out the paper work, speak to parents..the list goes on. This kids were the cutest kids in the world. Some of them didnt even speak English, but i have to say they put the biggest smiles on my face. They were so honest, sweet and innocent and i loved it. But it definitely drained me...i got home and just wanted to sleep but i promised a friend that i would visit them and didnt get back home till like 10. By that time i was pulling myself down the block to my building and home. I guess i know what it feels like to work and you know what i am not complaining hunny ! ! I quickly remember those days i was almost in tears because i didnt have a job and it reminds me to be grateful for that and that exactly what i was grateful for yesterday ! ! Grateful for my current job and beautiful days i have ahead of me with the different children i meet everyday.

Well today again i had to be at work at 8:30 but this time downtown in the L.E.S. And it was a very short day. Started rough since there first language was Chinese, but as the day went on it got easier. Since me and my co-workers were done early my boss took us out to lunch. Here is where the blogs name comes into play....

I know for a fact before i wasnt a very social person at all. You either had to be my friend already somehow or introduced to me and me actually like you for us to speak. This carried into work and school, like group work i would do my part and bounce. And before i was never really friendly with co-workers, especially if i wasnt working next to you all day. So at lunch i saw a NEW ME ! ! I was in conversation with people i just met the day before, and even tho that might sound like "umm why wouldnt you speak to them", for me its like amazing. I dont speak to people unless i have to , i always have carried a nasty attitude and just like a wall up for no reason, immediately thinking that me and the person have nothing in common. Today i saw and also yesterday as well, i just saw a brighter, lighter, loosened up me. I was introduced to someone yesterday and instead of trying to test them i just talked to them and tried to see them for who they are. Today i just listened to my co-workers, laughed, talked and chilled and i was like whoa who am i lolol. I really really walked away from lunch being so proud of ME. I felt so good to not be so insecure that i couldnt hold a normal conversation.

Well on to Milli...Milli is a co-worker of mine. When i met her i didnt judge at all since this is something new im doing. I just spoke to her and today we rode the train together home. She had mentioned at lunch that she had a son. So on the train just to start convo i asked about him, that lead to an amazing convo. Milli is older than me (not gonna shout her age out lol), she has an 8 year old who has a disability, lives in the pjs alone with him, goes to school at night and is working with me. She wakes up at 5 to put him on the on the school bus by 7 and then off to meet me at work by 8 or 8:30. She explained to me her regular day , explained to me when she moved out her house at the age of 19, when she lived in Connecticut. Like she wrote a book for me about her life, and i must say it was a good one. This woman said to me that she looks at herself now and see's so much growth from where she was in her life before, she said "i can easily be on public assistance, but i refuse to give my son that example". Like i didn't want her to get off the train. She really was teaching so much in a simple 15 min conversation. I was thinking about everything i learned about myself in the past months and everything i was hearing from her and i just took a deep breathe when she got off the train. I really really felt so good, blessed, highly favored whatever lolol. I was so happy to have given myself the chance to change and be better for me. Happy that I'm not wasting time and energy on anger and just really living life. I have to constantly be honest with myself know a days to stay on this track and I'm just to grateful to be on it.

This morning i got to the train station and forgot my 25 dollar unlimited. So i had to spend another 4 bucks for another metro card for the day. When I'm telling you i lost it for a second, i freaking lost it. I said FUCK ME ! ! sooo loud, people rushing for the train looked back at me. I ran and luckily got the train and i was soooo angry and you wanna know what i did? I sat down and was like OK Ashley what to you have to be grateful for? And i know it might seem unbelievable but i did it. I really thought about how grateful i was to have the 4 dollars to even purchase a new card because some people don't have that. I thought about fact that i even had a job to go to this morning because alot of people don't have that. And while i was doing that my heart beat slowed down and the frown turned upside down.

When i am saying i have changed hunny.....i am changing and it feels amazing like it really does. I feel light and bright as all hell and i love it.

I am completely exhausted so I'm going to take a nap but if i have thoughts for later I'll get to typing...

March 19th Grateful for change...

laterzzz