Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Alzheimer's.... : /

Hello beautiful people Today is July 7,2010. First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNNESE! ! I LOVE U BABY! ! (one of my amazing bbf from high school also one of the strongest woman i know in my life to date). Today i have come to my blog to..i guess release some thoughts and emotions i have inside me about whats going on with my grandmother. I'm almost positive i mentioned it in other blogs, but if i haven't here goes. My maternal grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's. And I'm not going to be a science teacher right now and explain it and tell you its stages and what not. If you want to learn more you can research it on your own on some idle time I'm sure u have. I will give u the basics, it's basically a disease that eats away at your brain, focusing on your memory. It begins with a simple "i forget where i places my keys" and leads up to the moment where you find yourself explaining to your grandmother who you are. Unfortunately my grandmother has it. Shes had it since i was about 11-12, and i am about to be 24 years old in August.

I am jaded right now. In some conversations I've had, most actually I've always been so happy that she has been with us this long fighting. But I'm here to be honest, I'm here blogging because i guess i couldn't hold this in anymore... IT KILLS ME!! It has been for a while now. My grandmother who i call "mami" has played a major role in my life. Practically raising me in my youth. My cousins and I spent every hour with her when our parents were working. I only went to summer camp 1 year, but every other summer was spent with her. The fact that i can read, write and speak Spanish is due to her. She was my idol. Spoke no English but owned her own business legally (even tho i admired her small cartel she managed as well lol). She is the matriarch and the patriarch of my family. All decisions went thru mami. Over the past 14 years i have watched this person ,who for me was stronger than any man i saw in life, Forget me. And its like once we knew she had this disease we all knew (speakin of my family) that the day would come that she would forget each and everyone of us.

My family was in denial. All a bunch of strong women (my younger bro being the only boy), but really hard headed and stubborn. I knew it was serious when she forgot her way home one night and was gone for 13 days. Thats when we all knew it was serious. Since that day i guess i mentally prepared myself for what i call the end. The day she wouldnt remember me or the day her body couldnt take it anymore. It was never the same after that. I couldnt sit on her lap like used to, she wouldnt scream my name out like she used to... Its been hard...harder than i realized now that im writing this entry. My chest is gettin all tight, tears swelling up. And To be completely honest with everyone and myself, since the day she forgot me i saw her less and less. Subconscicusly i was running away from what was happening. I give upmost respect to my sister Tamara for living with her everyday and seeing the transformation sun up and sun down. But me...i couldnt. For me it seemed like every memory i made with her or from her was being deleted as the years went by. Her health deteriorating as the years went by. She wasnt "mami" anymore.

But i really had to wake up. I really spent alot of time thinking about why i endured the ridiculous pain i did to get the 13 flower willowing cherry blossom tree on my side for thos 13 days she was missing. Cherry blossoms symbolize how short life is. They quickly blossom and quickly begin falling off the tree. There life is short but there beauty is profound. It made me think of my grandma and how i couldnt miss a day with her because in those 13 days i thought she was taken away from me. Lately thinking of that and in my own transformation I've realized how important it is to show love and affection, to live for today because tomorrow is never promised, to never take anything for granted. I make it my buisness to see her, kiss her, touch her wether she knows me or yells at me asking me who i am lolol. There have been more siezures, ulcers, random infections leading to hospitalizations lately. I have come to terms with her being in her the last stages of her life.... and I've come to terms with the fact that no matter how much it scares me, I must be there, I will be there! !

Today she is in the hospital again... To be honest after this blog, i am not worried. I really used to think to myself "would it be easier to just see her leave this earth alot more drastically, then drag it out in this way?". I've found my answer. I am blessed to be given a chance to spend everyday that has past and everyday that comes with her. Alot of people dont get the chance to be with a loved one right before they go. Or make up lost time, or have there peace with them...say goodbye. Everyday she is here my family gets that chance.....i get that chance... Thats one opportunity i would never give up...

The memories i have with her will forever live in me <3

Hasta Luego Mundo
Update of Gma laterzzz : )

thanx for reading...

p.s. thats Mami up top : )