Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Army of One : Learning to Trust

Hello there ( said in British accent lol), today is March 3, 2009. I am tired as all hell and have tremendous back pain. Temp Job has had me stuffing envelopes and my fingers hurt, but i am going to pull thru and write this blog today for me and you.....especially you since you inspired it.

So today I'm talking to a friend of mine, fairly a brand new friend but surprisingly we have alot in common. After a few conversations i see that this person is me at the age of 18, with a few differences but the attitude is almost exactly the same, not healthy attitude . I'm 22 so i look at this person and see the amount of change I've gone through, so i love talking to them and helping them see things faster than i did. Any who i guess this morning wasn't a good start for this person and there away message was " Auto response: class til 130 i hold my tongue behind this smile like I'm fine". Oh man this really frustrated me and pissed me off. I tell this person all the time how unhealthy it is to not speak up or to anyone when your this angry. But a small piece of my anger was because i totally understood why they would do that.

Since it was always world war 3 in my house i spent alot of time locked up in my room with the radio blasted.. My parents were to busy arguing, disrespecting each other, cursing each others names out so my room was my sanctuary. I know you've heard the phrase " if these walls could talk", yea well if my room walls could talk they would know all of my secrets.My pillows have been drenched me with all my tears and till this day i refuse to give them up, they never let me down. There was never dinner at the table or a how was school?...we just walked in and went to our rooms or sat in front of the TV to watch our favorite shows, but never really talked. It was so uncomfortable trying to talk, it didn't seem natural but forced. For me, i just never tried to talk. I was already angry at all the arguing, why would i even trust the people who were supposed to be "mommy and daddy when they were to busy bringing the worst out of each other right in front of there kids. I trusted no one because even people close to me hurt me tremendously. I hated it, i still hate it now. But because of this reason i spent alot of time alone, i emotionally raised myself in my room and did it quickly because i had a younger brother to help. No special relationship with mom, no daddy's lil girl (even tho he might think so, No). I just became un trust worthy of everyone and trusted only myself because i did everything for myself, i talked to myself, i figured out right and wrong alone, i made mistakes and dealt with the consequences...anything you can think of i handled it alone. There was a point where i was having anxiety attacks alone because i was soo stressed out alone. At one point my maternal grandmother, who had early stages of Alzheimer's disappeared for 13 days. She was at a party and couldn't remember who way home so she just kept walking. Those were the longest days of my life, and my had my good ol pillows to catch my tears, No one else but me and them in my room. No communication in my house what so ever, probably the quietest it ever was. There was no arguing, but even something worse, there was silence. My mother cried and that was the first time i ever saw her do so and mind you i was 16. So everyday i went to my room and cried and cried and cried myself till i went to sleep,alone. All of this built up and led me to anger management that was prescribed by my school. My guidance counselor Holly which i will never forget asked me what was wrong one day and i cried. I didn't know about what but i cried with some serious emotion or sufrimiento as Spanish people say, one thing led to another and i was in anger management. Abigail was my counselors name and i spent a hour a week with her for a year and told her absolutely nothing about myself. Then another year in a group counseling session with her and like 7 chicks and said absolutely nothing. It was such a waste of her time and mine because i learned nothing but to count up to 3 when i got mad. I sometimes wanted to tell her but didn't . What makes u think i would talk to her if i couldn't even talk to the people i was supposed to trust.

When i went to the shrink for the first time 4 weeks ago he said something to me explained how i felt when i went. He said i looked like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode before i started to speak. For me, i felt like i was going to throw up and wanted to walk out, almost like i was regretting what i was doing. The only time i have really reached out for help was with infamous number 2. He is prob the only other person on the planet that knows everything about me and even in that situation i lost all trust. I learned alot about myself but the trust was gone, of course. And there i was to the point of losing it and people saw and actually cared. They reached out and made the effort and didn't let me lose it alone.

This has continued my whole life. All the way till now. I have never trusted a damn soul to tell them anything. Even the people reading, i know some of you are my closest friends and believe me you are and i love you but sometimes i cant even open my mouth to tell you the words... It kills me not to be able to, It's extremely difficult for me to trust with my deep dark secrets, i think its more me being afraid. I don't trust a soul and I'm surrounded with beautiful people who i know have my best interest in heart, better than my pillows at home, and still it cant. Some one always said to me you have friends talk to them.. Well how when u sometimes don't trust the outcome..its the deepest issue I have and i am working on it i really am, i just hope this helps make more sense to some who don't understand some of the reasons i am the way i am.

Even right now as i write this there is an argument going on between me and my father about his negativity. And i am writing and telling you about it and I'm crying because although my frame of thinking has changed, the situation that made me like this hasn't...Its a battle between getting better and trusting and the 4 walls i have in my room and myself. I'm in my room right now doing what i have always done instead of crying to my pillows..crying to my mac and all of you thru a blog....hey Its a start right?...

To you:
Now do you see why that away message frustrated me...you have the opportunity to talk then talk. Don't let it eat you up inside till you physically and mentally cant take it anymore...It's extremely unhealthy and can mess up relationships with people who have your best interest at heart whether you want to believe it or not..

To my friends:
Please don't think that because i cant talk, you don't know me. You know me very well actually. There are just certain issues and situations that i have learned to keep to myself...that's just how its always been. Might not be healthy but its always worked.. and I'm trying to change that...I love you guys for always being, there not only in time of need, but just there so that i learned what it was like to not be alone, all of you....thank you

Laterzzz world..... : /

1 comment:

  1. Im glad your learning to speak up...it really sets you free...i have been one to be able to speak about what I feel cus I was raised to always say what you feel. It got me in trouble alot by the way lmaoo...but I felt I was never silenced and really we never should feel the need to be we should always want to speak freely of how we feel...sometimes its best to tell a stranger rather than sharing your deepest thought with the one who knows u greatest :)