Deeper Healing

Today is October 10,2010. Yes 10-10-10..lucky day apparently. For me the date has had nothing to do with how beautiful it was or even how amazing the past week has been. On Tuesday October 5th,2010 I re dedicated my life to ME.

During this week ending I dedicated a couple things to me..I took some long walks by myself..I observed my surroundings and took them all in. I practiced communication and I practiced following and living from my heart. One of my dedications this week was patience;let the world lead..let my path guide me..explore every second minute and hour..stop rushing. Realize things take time. I have always struggled with this, putting a time line on my life,forcing myself to go with the flow I invented instead of the flow of what the universe has out there for me. I really tried to let go and live in the moment this week. No more rushing, forcing..just feeling and living. I also dedicated music to myself. I opened up my i tunes on Friday and it seemed like a slight film was lifted off my eyes. The music brought me back to times in my life that reminded me of how far I've come..it also reminded of the many good times. So many emotions from the music, but all positive!! I loved it. Idk why i was running from music but I'm glad i came back.

This weekend i also decided to start working on something else i dedicated myself to which was my faith; spiritual faith. I was raised Catholic, baptized, communion and confirmed in that faith.Over the years while reading and learning about other religions and science my faith in the man called "GOD" was weakened. I have more belief in positive and negative energies and the universe. Be that as it may on Sunday i went to church. And for those who know me know that that's like NUTS. I haven't been to church since i did my confirmation and i did that when i was 14 years old.I am 24 years old, so walking into church for me today was very awkward. LOL i walked in and mass had started already. I sat down and honestly didn't know what to do, the entire mass they were standing up and sitting down, singing hym's and so on. The only prayer i knew was the Our Father. The entire time i really didn't understand why i was even there. I already know what it is i believe in, i find it very uncomfortable to talk about another energy on this planet as "GOD" but yet i was there. Until the father read from the gospel i didn't know why i was there. He read something about god healing 10 people who had leprosy and only 1 came back to say thanks. The father explained the gospel and then brought it everyday life 2010. He went on to explaining that the main who came to show gratitude came because he saw he was healed physically of the leprosy as well as healed inside emotionally. He called it a "deeper healing". Once he said that i knew EXACTLY why i was there. I was there because i need a DEEPER HEALING. In the past year and a half i have worked on healing myself physically and mostly emotionally. Working on bringing my confidence back to par, learning to forgive and move forward. Basically fixing all the wounds from relationships of the past and wounds from moments in my life that left their impact on me. I haven't healed myself spiritually, i haven't worked on my soul, and for me that's what the father meant as a deeper healing. I spent time working on my emotional state now i need to work on my state as a person with a warm heart and soul. I need to go deeper. I need to have faith in me and the people around me. I need to work on having gratitude, i want to say please and thank you more often. Smile more and say good morning, good afternoon and good night. Church today gave me that. It gave me a piece of mind that even if i was home alone in silence i wouldn't be able to get. I was able to think and decipher what i needed to do. I guess when i walked in i was too focused on the religious aspect of it, and less on the message it can give you. I am going to try my best to go every Sunday to just listen and think. Get some peace in my soul. Really quickly i would like to say i know the Catholic church can get people angry with some of the things they do, even i have been pretty upset with them and tried to find another form of religion, Even going as far as going to a Buddhist meeting (btw Buddhism is a philosophy more than a religion so you can be both catholic and believe in Buddhism). Anyway i say that because i walked into mass today and the energy was amazing, people were allowed to come as they are and i didn't feel not one moment of negative energy or judgement at all..it felt amazing! I saw something very funny actually lol after we were done giving peace to each other (in catholic church that's when people shake hands and throw up the peace sign to people around them) a women took out hand sanitizer and passed it down her whole row lmaooo..it made me laugh lol.

Before i want to end i want to say that communication and compromise are what make relationships work. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! It has worked wonders for my situation and i hope it continues to help it strive and become better <3


It was a beautiful week...
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO

BTW I clearly wrote this blog on Sunday, sorry for the late posting : /

Back on track...

Today is Tuesday October 5th,2010 and I am taking this month (starting from today) to re-dedicate myself to ME!! For some small minds out there your probably like "what","what does that mean","that's not grammatically correct" and etc. This is about you or for you. Yesterday I had a long hard day and finally came back to the space where I felt most comfortable..my blog. I read it over and realized how unfocused I had become. It left me pretty disappointed in my actions in the last few months, but also left me trying to figure out what to do to fix it. Yesterday in my blog I re-dedicated myself to myself,my education, my faith, traveling and of course my family. It felt so good to say it. It felt good to release everything that was holding me back and feel all the things coming back to me that made me happy before. I slept on it and woke up today giving myself a fresh start and saying day one starts now...I'm getting back to ME!

Today begins the journey of refocusing for me, the journey of putting me first again. The journey of realizing that what I want is important, that my feelings and opinions are valid. The realization that I am very strong and independent and there is NOTHING wrong with that!!The journey of becoming GREAT is back in full affect!! The idea of loving ME unconditionally is back..and why not?!

This morning I woke up so happy..so refreshed..so positive. It was like all I had to do was release some things in my my mind and let ME back in. It was like an exorcism when I cried and spoke to some friends yesterday. While writing everything came back to me clearly. For me this month of October is fully committed to re discovering ME..continuing the process where I left off and bringing in what I've learned in the last few months. Everyday I wanna dedicate something to me..or things that are important to me..as long as its for ME! I've felt like I lost me lately but I'm back hoe!! Lol

I want to throw something in here that one of my amazing bff brought my attention today..He mentioned how my blog from yesterday was exactly what he needed and how today's horoscope was fit our situations perfectly (were both proud Virgos): "The end of something is always the beginning of something else. Even if a rough end to a long journey has left you feeling exasperated and saddened, and even though it may not really feel like a new beginning, fate has set the stage for an amazing and dramatic development that is slowly evolving now. You can't possibly realize yet just how wonderful a change of circumstances will turn out to be for you, Virgo. Move forward with hope and don't be afraid to believe that the best will be, because your future is incredibly bright."

After I read it, all I can say was EXACTLY!! I was just a day ahead ; )

i love ME <3

Re-Dedications

I haven't been here in soooooo long. It felt almost like i was avoiding coming back here for some reason.Ive been avoiding my feelings and living in an illusion that's been harder to keep together than just coming here to vent. I came back today and read my blogs and read apart of me that i love but miss so much!! Apart of me that has disappeared. The confident, self assured me, the no settling for bull me. The me that was so in love with ME!! I've been unmotivated and less confident than usual. Ive been settling for things because I'm afraid of the future and I've lost sight of myself and put myself second to some one elses emotions and criticisms of me,of WHO AM I? I figured once there was someone to make me happy i could let go of everything else that did. I stopped reading my positive The Daily Love emails, stopped discovering me. 2 years ago i went thru hell and back and learned so much but then again we learn everyday.I forgot that life was about learning. From my situation with Number 2 i wasn't meant to learn everything there was to learn about relationships. I was just meant to make sure i wouldst make the same mistakes and make better decisions later. What i forgot was the love i need to have for myself first. I was slowly falling in love with me before this summer. I was believing...But i easily loose focus and now I'm completely disappointed in myself.

I found myself today feeling the same feelings i used to feel 2 years ago, but not to the same extent and not for the same reasons. I feel lost,confusion, pain, hurt, low. I lost my focus on myself because i started falling for someone. More like i put someone before my own growth and health again. I feel confusion for trying to be overly strong for everyone and not think about me. Not giving ME any personal time. This time it just wasn't as blatant as the last time but still I'm in this predicament..no? I have to take a break and give myself all of ME to ME!! What happened to my mantra's, what happened to living from my heart. I lost all of that, i lost it all and i have to start all over but i have to be dedicated. How can i not be serious when it comes to my own happiness, how can i let the presence of another human being get in the way of MY OWN PERSONAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS?! Like i said at the beginning of this blog i re read all of my blogs and I have re dedicated some things to myself. I want to be the woman that i know i am supposed to be.That i feel i am supposed to be before i give my love to any man or woman again. Some thoughts of mine today that brought me back..

Don't Rush Love. Don't Chase Love. It Should Just Be.<---- this is the type of love i want..nothing that makes me feel insecure, nothing that makes me feel like mistakes cant be made, that growth together is impossible.

I want to rededicate MYSELF and my life to LOVING ME!, MY Education, MY Faith (in myself and something bigger than me), Traveling, and last and just as important as the 1st thing listed is MY Family. Everything else comes second to those things for now!! I want to dedicate and give myself the gift of the rest of my twenties for ME...the growth of ASHLEY SOLEIL!!! I want to say I LOVE ME, mean it and not be selfish about it (well not to selfish). Everything else in my life has owned me in some way emotionally and I'm really ready to take charge completely!

I will be here more often. There has been so much change in my life in every way and i want to share the bad and good. I want to get things off my chest. I want to get back into the 1st favorite hobby; writing. I want to get back to the amazing me. I don't know why this journey always gets interrupted but enough is enough. I'm to good for this!!

::sigh:: today has been a long day and I'm emotionally and physically tired. Like i said so much has changed so i will be back soon. I leave YOU and ME with the words of the past that have helped me remember and re dedicate my path. Its weird that reading them is kinda weird to me, crazy how far my mental has strayed from that positivity and wellness...but its okay I WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON THAT PATH VERY SOON!!

"create a life from your heart, to allow
instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, to know that I am worth it." "stop chasing what isn't yours

"I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist."

The Pic
That's a picture of My Titi Carmen and I while at the hospital visiting my grandmother..She is my favorite aunt and after not seeing her for more than 5 years she ends the convo by saying "I love you, u do whatever makes you happy"...i love her so much <3

Alzheimer's.... : /

Hello beautiful people Today is July 7,2010. First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY LYNNESE! ! I LOVE U BABY! ! (one of my amazing bbf from high school also one of the strongest woman i know in my life to date). Today i have come to my blog to..i guess release some thoughts and emotions i have inside me about whats going on with my grandmother. I'm almost positive i mentioned it in other blogs, but if i haven't here goes. My maternal grandmother suffers from Alzheimer's. And I'm not going to be a science teacher right now and explain it and tell you its stages and what not. If you want to learn more you can research it on your own on some idle time I'm sure u have. I will give u the basics, it's basically a disease that eats away at your brain, focusing on your memory. It begins with a simple "i forget where i places my keys" and leads up to the moment where you find yourself explaining to your grandmother who you are. Unfortunately my grandmother has it. Shes had it since i was about 11-12, and i am about to be 24 years old in August.

I am jaded right now. In some conversations I've had, most actually I've always been so happy that she has been with us this long fighting. But I'm here to be honest, I'm here blogging because i guess i couldn't hold this in anymore... IT KILLS ME!! It has been for a while now. My grandmother who i call "mami" has played a major role in my life. Practically raising me in my youth. My cousins and I spent every hour with her when our parents were working. I only went to summer camp 1 year, but every other summer was spent with her. The fact that i can read, write and speak Spanish is due to her. She was my idol. Spoke no English but owned her own business legally (even tho i admired her small cartel she managed as well lol). She is the matriarch and the patriarch of my family. All decisions went thru mami. Over the past 14 years i have watched this person ,who for me was stronger than any man i saw in life, Forget me. And its like once we knew she had this disease we all knew (speakin of my family) that the day would come that she would forget each and everyone of us.

My family was in denial. All a bunch of strong women (my younger bro being the only boy), but really hard headed and stubborn. I knew it was serious when she forgot her way home one night and was gone for 13 days. Thats when we all knew it was serious. Since that day i guess i mentally prepared myself for what i call the end. The day she wouldnt remember me or the day her body couldnt take it anymore. It was never the same after that. I couldnt sit on her lap like used to, she wouldnt scream my name out like she used to... Its been hard...harder than i realized now that im writing this entry. My chest is gettin all tight, tears swelling up. And To be completely honest with everyone and myself, since the day she forgot me i saw her less and less. Subconscicusly i was running away from what was happening. I give upmost respect to my sister Tamara for living with her everyday and seeing the transformation sun up and sun down. But me...i couldnt. For me it seemed like every memory i made with her or from her was being deleted as the years went by. Her health deteriorating as the years went by. She wasnt "mami" anymore.

But i really had to wake up. I really spent alot of time thinking about why i endured the ridiculous pain i did to get the 13 flower willowing cherry blossom tree on my side for thos 13 days she was missing. Cherry blossoms symbolize how short life is. They quickly blossom and quickly begin falling off the tree. There life is short but there beauty is profound. It made me think of my grandma and how i couldnt miss a day with her because in those 13 days i thought she was taken away from me. Lately thinking of that and in my own transformation I've realized how important it is to show love and affection, to live for today because tomorrow is never promised, to never take anything for granted. I make it my buisness to see her, kiss her, touch her wether she knows me or yells at me asking me who i am lolol. There have been more siezures, ulcers, random infections leading to hospitalizations lately. I have come to terms with her being in her the last stages of her life.... and I've come to terms with the fact that no matter how much it scares me, I must be there, I will be there! !

Today she is in the hospital again... To be honest after this blog, i am not worried. I really used to think to myself "would it be easier to just see her leave this earth alot more drastically, then drag it out in this way?". I've found my answer. I am blessed to be given a chance to spend everyday that has past and everyday that comes with her. Alot of people dont get the chance to be with a loved one right before they go. Or make up lost time, or have there peace with them...say goodbye. Everyday she is here my family gets that chance.....i get that chance... Thats one opportunity i would never give up...

The memories i have with her will forever live in me <3

Hasta Luego Mundo

Update of Gma laterzzz : )

thanx for reading...

p.s. thats Mami up top : )

Taking a Step Back

HEY HEY HEY hoy es June 22, 2010 lol. Such a beautiful day out! ! Exciting to see that summer has arrived and for the next couple of weeks i wont need a sweater lol. Today i come to my blog to re release a lesson i just learned this past weekend. It probably is a very like duh in your face kind of thing to some but for me on my journey it was hard to get.

This weekend i took a step back. I re evaluated where i was, thought alot and realized what i wanted and how and what i needed to do to get there. As i mentioned in a recent previous blog there is a "him". And everything with that him is wonderful to be quite honest but this Sunday i realized it was moving to fast. And i know me well enough to know my fears of commitment and fears of allowing another person to be that important in my life again could be the reason why i would run away from something like this, but those weren't the real reasons. The him had asked me quite a number of times to give him me the real me. I argued with him saying no, I'm not ready, not ready to trust someone with all that blah blah blah. It wasn't the best thing to argue because it discouraged both of us from our situation. But i took the time to really think deep about what i was afraid of, why i could be running right now. I really took a step back and thought about me and where i was. And believe me i preach everyday put yourself first lol and believe me its hard to do. I realized that i am not whole yet from the last mishap. I cant give myself unto another till i know who i am again as a person. I am in the process of knowing me still..hello my journey is documented right here for everyone to see.

I made a decision to keep him here because he has been nothing but amazing to me but also to SLOW DOWN and ORGANIZE what we have so were not running on raw emotion and lust. I need to learn me first before i can learn him. And for me lately I've learn alot about me when I'm in the company of others and thru conversations. If things are going to work with him a strong foundation needs to be layed out and that's what i rather do than rush into something. I'm not ready for what a commitment ask for right now, but I'm willing to work towards that if the person is willing to work towards it with me. And he is : ).....

Taking a step back, putting me first, communicating and finding a solution was what i did for the first time this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I've put me first in many other instances but not one where the relationship was an intimate one like this one. That's a huge step for me since in the last one i didn't even know how to begin to do that. I'm proud of me and proud that i didn't run away from someone who has been nothing but amazing since day one.

I had this phrase before that i said all the time but didn't believe it too much: I DESERVE THE BEST! !... simple phrase I'm sure most woman use it...but I'm really getting a grasp for it, and I'm making sure I'm living up to it in my everyday life : )

Just wanted to share that lil life lesson i learned...

Laters World..till next time.

Emotional Coochie Seperation ! !

Hola hoy es el 17 de Juno lol. Good Day everyone, so I'm here again. Today I'm writing because of another blog i read and a conversation. Usually my blog is about me and my journey and today might be more like a topic. But then again its a topic that sparked a 2 hour long discussion between me and someone else. There is always growth in an intellectual conversation..so therefore it is apart of my journey lol.

I just want to know why the hell is it a crime when a women can separate her emotions from her coochie. The minute she is able to have sex with more than one man without feeling emotions for one of them shes some type of "hoe" or "slut". Now let me explain where this thought came from. I read a blog of a woman asking was she wrong for being in a relationship and being able to cheat and not feel any type of remorse (let me say she wasn't cheating on homeboy all over the place it was with her ex from years ago and no that doesn't make it right lol ). All of the men that responded to her blog immediately called her a "hoe" and telling her she was the reason black men dated out of their race; that really pissed me off. Even most of the women responding were calling her even worse names than what the men were calling her. Like it really pissed me off so i responded explained to her that she prob had no remorse for 2 reasons. Number 1 being she was one of the lucky females in the world who had learned to separate her emotions from her coochie , and was able to think as sex with an insignificant as just sex and still completely love who she loved. Or reason Number 2 which was she was subconsciously telling herself she was not ready to be in a relationship. My first reason got plenty of responses and I to was called a cold hearted %!$#@ and asked how could i think that way and all that. I must begin by saying that yes cheating is wrong and all that but you can never control what your significant other does when they are not with you..that is the bottom line. You can only have faith. No i am not saying it makes it right but its the reality of it. If when you are with someone and they make you 100% happy when you two are together that is a golden treasure and cherish it, cuz god only knows what might be happening when you aren't there. But if you love someone its wrong if you know that person would be hurt by your actions if they found out. My comment wasn't condoning her cheating but giving her reasons for not having remorse.

My philosophy on emotional coochie separation really goes for single woman (although if your cheating it can be done). Women are emotional beings, some of us attach feelings to everything. Because of that reason alot of us have been heart broken by the guy who swindled you right before he piped and never spoke to you again afterwards. For me personally i will attach my emotions to sex when the person and i are already attached emotionally without the sex. For those of you who watch sex in the city (although i can find some of the stories from there completely unrealistic), its the Miranda way of thinking, and even her character was called a hoe by many, smh. If you bring 2 different man home in a week, and the old lady who is the nosey one on the block sees this she is thinking your a hoe. THIS IS 2010 PEOPLE, Men have stuck there pipes in and out of holes without giving a damn since B.C. Is it because they have been doing it longer its okay? In my conversation with someone they mentioned that they just had to come to terms with the fact that women now a days have more than "10 bodies under there belt". Like umm this is not lil house on the prairie anymore. Woman aren't getting married off anymore. We have choices and independence. If a women decides to date 3 dudes a time then that's her prerogative as long as she is keeping herself and whatever partner she chooses safe from all diseases and mistaken babies.

I just consider it as a control over your own situation, body and feelings and not putting the power in the hands of the person who is entering and exiting your body without thinking twice. I want women to take a lil bit more control of what is theirs. Yes we are emotional beings but before that we are humans..better yet mammals. One of the many reasons that separates us from all the other mammals are our emotions. Lets use our wonderful brains and know where to place those emotions and stop walking around bitter and broken hearted. WAKE UP..start enjoying sex for what it is..SEX!! When you find that person you love it wont be that anymore it will be love..it will be EUPHORIA.

I think i am done for now lol. Just wanted to share that for my woman out there who probably think the same way and are afraid to. At the end of the day whats most important is that in any situation you find yourself in you RESPECT YOURSELF and PUT YOURSELF FIRST in every sense and things will work themselves out the way they are supposed to...

I'm done lol : )....please feel free to spark up a convo here i wanna hear what people think..

Laterz Blogging world

FEILD WORK....

TODAY IS JUNE 16, 2010....WOW its been a while ! ! Another huge long break between my blogging, but today i felt the urge. Well to be honest lately i have been feeling the urge to write down how i have been feeling on the inside. HELLO EVERY ONE! ! LOL I feel like I'm in a huge empty auditorium talking to myself as i write this, but thats okay, I have realized yesterday how much i love being alone somewhere thinking with myself : )...

So lets start with a recap... Last time i spoke to you i was working with foster care (that was a very interesting experience to say the least), I was explaining why someone feelings got hurt (that was also silly) and i just living my life as per usual. In the past 4 months i have continued to work but not with foster care (thank u baby Jesus) and have just moved on emotionally in so many ways...you know continuing to "grow up" i would say. I guess that feeling of growing up is what brought me to write today. Some days when i feel lost i come back and read my own blogs just to get a quick reminder of what my purpose is right now in my life...my lessons learned...my journey. I did that this morning because...i guess i was feeling a tad bit lost and also i have seeing things around me come full circle i guess you can say. Any who it brought me back here today to just (which to be honest is one of my favorite things to do).

LOST: I don't feel lost like i didn't know how to find my way back to the blogging site lol but lost like i had lost my focus on me and my transformation. I don't know if i have mentioned it before but i am my worst enemy. I dont care how crazy it sounds, but seriously inside my head there is a voice that argues with me all the time lol. It honestly stops me from doing things and pushes me do to other things..its very loud too sometimes lol. I know i sound nutz but who the hell are u to judge right? Anyway that shit gets so loud and anoying it made me lose my focus on becoming the best version of me i can be. Although i have been continuing some of my practices that come along with the better me, my moments of introspection and faith in myself have been smothered by the voice lately..but i am back bitches..shes still there but i am determined to drown her out !!

FULL CIRCLE: Watching things around me come full circle was the push that brought me back today. I have spent the last 4 months spending alot of time with my family, which is very weird for me, and slowly trying to opening my heart to someone new. Trust and believe it has not been easy but its been soooo worth it. If you keep up with my blogs you know i cherish family and friends ALOT but didn't really have that relationship with my family that i wanted. Well in the last 4 months that has changed. I have come to forgive and forget and enjoy my familia for the they are!! Really really means alot to me to feel this way about them and im so happy i do but its tru. There a bunch of fuckin nut jobs but they are here with me and for me if i need them. I also had the opportunity to reconnect with my uncle who is unfortunately locked up in jail. He is my favorite unlce tho and we speak all the time and they have been the best conversations ever! i learn him and he learns the new older me since he hasn't seen me in a while. But regardless the connection is still there and it feels great to know that. There has been way more positive energy around when it comes to my family and me and i couldn't be happier.

Now with the HIM. I don't want to go into details but i will say he has been amazing, understanding,caring, a respectable gentlemen, all things sweet and most importantly he has been himself and he has accepted me as myself. No judgements of each others past just looking towards the future. Im just excited to see what the future has for that....

Yesterday evening i spent it with my sister, niece and her friends. They were dieing to see DRAKE and the seaport and because of it we almost died...lol seriously. But after we had dinner and caught myself giving her advice on friendships and boys and all the other things high school comes with. I remember when Chloe was born..i remember changing her paper..i remember her when she was 2, 3 4, years old. And here i was giving her sound advice for her life. THAT WAS A FULL CIRCLE.

Honestly after reading this over before sending it out into the world i realized that i guess i really wasn't lost at all. Everyday in my interesting life is apart of my journey and everyday i learn something new. I guess these past 4 months i have been doing alot of "FIELD" work instead of soul reconstruction, and i am so grateful for it!

I'm going to do my best this summer to keep this updated...i really missed writing and this feeling it just gave me was amazing...

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO : )

p.s

isnt that just an amazing veiw? : )...just looking out my window when the sun is setting helps me find peace sometimes...

Wisdom come with Experience and time....

Today is Thursday MARCH 11,2010..Been a while, but that's not what i want to dwell on...

So I was in a car accident that could of possibly taken my life on Friday. Car hydro planned flip and landed on the rail. I was in the car with 2 of my favorite people. We walked away literally without a scratch..broken bone..nothing but shock that we were still breathing. Up until last night I wasn't able to really sleep a full night without dreaming the accident over or kinda be anxious and nervous, thinking that some final destination shit would happen. I needed a mental break, I needed to write. So I did :

Wow so I now the real meaning believe in angels or spirits or just plain on circumstances and reasons. If One more person was in the car and they would of been hurt. If the snow wouldn't of been there we all would of been hurt. But we didn't get hurt. For a whole night I wondered why we didn't get hurt instead of why was I given this chance. Or even what do I need to do to take advantage of this chance I was given. That's when I broke down. I cried and let it all out... And then realized it took this to happen for me to LIVE..try new things, have an open mind..live for me. Although I felt like I was learning these things recently this accident taught me that the way my friend Angel lives is right. Its not selfish its just living for self. When u die no one can male up all the things in YOUR life for you..if they tried it would be their experience not yours and YOU missed out. I have to LIVE for me...I have to LIVE...

The 2nd lesson was bad but also good....

I guess I taught someone a lesson that I was once taught but I really didn't want to be the teacher. But as I always say shit happens for a reason. The thoughts in my mind were always "I should be going thru this phase in my life alone". And now I am. Does it feel better..umm not quite yet but I know it will just have to reprogram myself. But I def needed this lesson. She showed me I wasn't ready but taught me how to be. Will I tell you how to be what? Nah...I'm still learning that myself. But thanx Lori...

For the record apologies are never hard for me..I know wen I'm wrong. I don't apologize for what I did cuz those were my actions act the time and I control me..but I do apologize for the way u feel. An empathetic sorry more than a sympathetic sorry. I've been there and know exactly how it feels. The only loss is the friend I had in her..the confidence I kept with her. But again that also happened for a reason.

The only thing that really really bothers is that she wasn't able to actually say "stop doing this or that" at whatever time but allowed it to continue. I knew how she felt and explained how i felt. Once that was done and differences were laid out decisions should of been made by each individual to keep themselves safe. What she never understood and prob still doesn't is that i care for her more than she thinks....but i care for me millions times more than n e one can ever understand. And for that i will never apologize. Shes in the phase of learning now that once u love yourself more you will always come first. In relations of the heart you should always come first..You never ignore how u feel, u put that emotion first and go for what you want not whats best for the other person...but she is learning that now..

As i said am I'm not super proud that i taught her that...clearly im not cuz it makes me out to be a monster. But I've learned over time and experience that when someone hurts you there not monsters there teaching you a lesson that you needed to learn to survive later. There is good in everyone, as evil as the person might get, the lesson they have taught you is whats important.

Time DOES NOT heel all wounds...CONSCIOUSNESS does...wake up learn the lesson and move forward and leave the negative behind.

So in retrospect... i learned the meaning of living and not being afraid to....im not out to hurt anyone at all...but im definitely out to live MY life.. i mean hey its mine to live right?

Hasta Luego Mundo : )

I kno the feelin of holdin tears back..this girl was doin it today on the train doing just that and honestly I wanted to give her a hug..weird but whatever...janurary 26,2010 slacking on my mackin...just busy busy peeps... Never really hated gettin my period. I was actually happy cuz that determined one great thing and that was not being with child lol sad but tru hahahahahahah. Now I have come to despise it because the emotional strong hold it has on me wen it does arrive. A week before I get it I have notice d my emotions do a 360. For the past months I have been on a very happy positive streak. Very uplifting and clear and light open heart learning and all that. When that one week comes I turn into pessimistic patty. I feel very depressed, like even me thinkin every positive thought in the world dosnt help at all... I cry as soon as I wake up and an hour later I'm laughing. I have to say it's the most unstable week for me and I need a way to over come it like WTF it's annoying....another thought...people really read the bible on the train...or anywhere for that matter. Like I've tried and it mAkes no sense to me...I think I'm goin to start writing down my memories and put them in a litle box

HAPPY NEW YEAR ! !

Hello hello my people..5 days into a new century..how does it feel..take a deep breathe it's a new beginning. Lolol now tell me if at 12:01 January 1st you felt any different from the minute before. Sometimes I can be cynical a believe it's all some bullshit but for me this time I felt a complete difference. And to be honest it didn't start that minute the ball dropped but actually weeks before the hype about a new beginning actually began. And I'm not one for the resolutions and goal setting,it never works for me. This time around I've decided to just continue where 2009 left off but on steroids lol.

The past 2 years have been pretty rough..alot of unhealthy situations and relationships kept me from being me. Actually I will take responsibility and say that I kept me from being me,from being great. I was afraid of change, bien acostumbra ( used to what I had), holding onto the past...aka just all types of things that didn't allow me to be great. 2009 has been the year where I started to see the wrong and make changes. I would not say 2009 was a bad year and 2010 will be a great one. But I will say that in 2009 I was growing and 2010 I will ALLOW myself to be GREAT with all the things I've learned. Things will only happen if you let them,work hard nothing just appears. So this year I will allow my heart to be open and be fearless..I will work on making the necessary changes in my life that will make me a better person..I will make myself a priority and love ME unconditionally.

Its funny today i was talking to my co workers and one was bashing men. And I'm laughing because she always does this lol n e way she says fuck love I don't love n e body..and I said I don't love anybody right now either but I love me. And it was like an epiphany to me lol, a lil light bulb. I have finally reached the point where i am completely happy with the person i am..flaws and all. All mistakes abs mishaps made have made me me and I love it. I wouldn't take me any other way besides Phenomenal..but I'm not there yet...but I will be.
On new years eve I had to work and I received an email from this thing called the daily love. Mastin Kipp is the young guy ( and young like under 30) who writes amazing inspirational quotes that I read on Twitter everyday. This email was his news resolution and it made me tear at work. It was exactly what I felt but just worded way ether lol. Well here it is take a read it made me feel good and made me think more about what I want to focus on this year..maybe it can do the same for you..

"Hello and Happy New Year's Eve! I hope that whether it's already 2010 where you
live or you are about to celebrate the New Year and New Decade that you are ready
for change!

This week I shared with you my 2009 New Year's Resolution, which was a great look
back at where my head was last year. It's amazing how powerful words and intentions
are! 2009 was a challenging year and learning how to trust in the middle of seeming
chaos was exactly what I learned to do in 2009!

But 2010 is a different story. A lot of our old way of living have fallen apart
in the past decade. All of us felt a major shift in 2009, one that is still influencing
our lives today. But there is good news.

Everything in life is a cycle and while 2009 was full of changes, loss, seeming
chaos and endings, I feel that 2010 is our opportunity for a phenomenal rebirth.

My 2010 New Year' Resolution is to continue to create a life from my heart, to allow
instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look
back, to know that I am worth it. I think one of the most important things we can
do in the New Year is to stop chasing what's not meant to be ours and to accept
all the blessings that are ours. 2010 is a year to break old habits and to integrate
the lessons of 2009 so that we can rise to new and great heights that we had only
dreamed of before.

In order to rise we must let go of whatever is not serving our happiness. This includes
unhealthy relationships, habits, ways of thinking, eating, spending, talking and
being that do not serve our Highest Potential.

2010 is a year to give up lower habits and desires and embrace our Highest Desire's
of our Heart. We are setup to do this. You can find your Heart's desire in the space
that's in-between your thoughts. Let go of bad habits and unhealthy relationships.
Know you are worth your Heart's desire and more and that if you let your Heart guide
you, you will always be taken care of.

2009 was a ball-busting year, a tough love year, a time for us to remember our true
priorities. Those of us who got the message, who see what need to be done can make
great leaps towards sustained happiness in 2010.

Do not fear this New Life of ours, step into it with Trust and the knowing that
dream's do come true.

2010 is the year our collective phoenix rises again, this time not from the ego,
but from the Heart. It's going to be an epic year! I've never been so excited and
energized to welcome a new year, a new decade and a new life!!
Happy New Year you guys!! Make it a good one in 2010!
I'll see you on the other side!
All my love,
Mastin"

Reading that over made me feel so good and focused and positive..hope it did the same for you...

Remember "create a life from your heart, to allow

instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, to know that I am worth it." "stop chasing what isn't yours". Those words jump out and me and remind me of how great I have become and will be in this promising future.

::sigh:: this is the happiest I've been in 3 years. My mind isn't crowded,confused or clouded by anything..it's such an exciting time for me.. : )

Peace and blessing world..