Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Today is August 23rd and 25 years ago i was brought back into this earth as Ashley Soleil. Yes today is my 25th birthday!!!!! Every ones been reminding me constantly and asking me how does it feel and up until today i didn't have a real solid answer. I spent the entire day yesterday reflecting on my 24 years.
I thought about it all. I walked around my new neighborhood and reflected on being here and also where i used to be for 24 years. Being that I'm Me, there was sooo much to reflect on; good and bad of course. But the bottom line is that there WAS soo much to think about. I cant express how extremely blessed i feel to have been able to experience the life i have experienced in the last 24 years. Believe me you there are things so dark that i still have difficulty sharing them but they are a huge part of me and make the good and great things even greater. If i can find a better word than "blessed" i would use it but for now BLESSED it is.
I must admit, I am one to constantly complain and be critical about things but sitting in the sun yesterday and just reflecting on where i am just made me soooo happy. I'm content to be HERE. Some people don't even realize how special that is, to be HERE, but it is. Some people don't even realize how important and special it is breathe everyday. Some people don't even realize that they are breathing! But you are every minute of the day without knowing and its a phenomenon that happens within you and we don't even respect it. Yesterday i started respecting it. I am ALIVE, BREATHING and LIVING out whats been written for me and surviving it like a soldier. As i type right now the tears are swelling up in my eyes of course cuz if you know me you know how emotional of a person i am. I really felt like i just woke up yesterday and realized how unimportant certain things are and how important it is to be HERE happy and with PEACE OF MIND. Last night at 11pm i shut my phone off and tried something new. Instead of focusing on who was going to call me first at 12, I closed my eyes and counted my breaths. Everything time i inhaled and exhaled it counted as one. Seems simple but its so hard to do when your mind is like mine and races a mile a min. Every time i thought of something else besides breathing i started over. I didn't get to far up in counting but i was relaxed, i felt a smile on my face and i fell asleep like a baby. I fell asleep feeling blessed and just happy with everything around me.
On this beautiful morning on the day of my 25th birthday the first thing i wanted to do was write these amazing feelings down and share them with the world. Once i post this i feel like i can enjoy my day going forward. Really enjoy it and not take one thing for granted. At this milestone in my life i am more concerned with the going forward. Going forward i want to focus on having peace of mind. For 24 years I've allowed everything in my life make me. Now i want to take everything out of my head and be ME. I wanna meet the magnificent God that i have within me. Be happier inside and out and teach others to do the same.
This last year in my life has been amazing in so many ways to me as far as growth and has brought me HERE.I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING I HAVE IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, EVERYONE I HAVE IN MY LIFE RIGHT, AND EVERYTHING I DON'T. THERE ISN'T A THING I WOULD CHANGE NO MATTER HOW UNHAPPY IT MIGHT MAKE ME AT TIMES, FOR AT THE END OF THE DAY IT IS ALL WORLDLY THINGS THAT WILL NOT COME WITH ME WHEN I GO ON INTO THE NEXT LIFE. My family, my friends, my education, my career choice, my love, my dog just everything is perfect for me right now where i am and i couldn't feel any happier. I have so much more to accomplish in life and I've never felt stronger and more determined to get to my goals.
There are so many lessons i have learned over the years but the one that comes up every time, the one that always makes the most sense is EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!! Every little thing that is happening in my life right now is happening for a reason and has brought me right here mentally where i am today!
I am grateful
I am happy
I am love
I am phenomenal
I AM 25 TODAY!!!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!
HASTA LUEGO WORLD!!
MUAHHHHHHHHHH <3 ; )
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 7:32 AM
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Over the past year i have to say the lesson of acceptance is one that has caused the most pain and joy! I dont really have lots of answers but more so questions for who evers reading to think about! These questions might even help me get an even better understanding. Who knows?!
In love why is it sooooo hard to accept?! Im talkin about accepting the negative and positive, accepting someones or your own feelings, accepting a break up or even a proposal. Why is it so hard for us to accept?! I really have been thinking about this for a while.
I realized in my own experiences that not accepting things has brought me more pain than ever. Ive spent alot of wasted time fighting for something/someone in a relationship plenty of times instead of accepting WHAT IS! I might not want to say wasted time because without those experiences i would of never found myself here writing about acceptance.
Why do we fight WHAT IS?! Why cant we just say okay you know what,our season is up for now and began the process of healing and learning lessons. I have some ideas of my own.
I've thought about confidence. Are we never 100% sure of ourselves to say okay i accept this is over?! Are we not confident enough in ourselves to just simply move on and be okay?! Do we feel the need to hang on to issues because where afraid of being alone?! Were we not born alone? Have we not experienced enough alone time to accept it?! Or Is it the idea that we give "love" to much credit. Ive heard myself and plenty of people around me say "but i love him/her". Umm okay you love him/her and now what does that mean?! How much weight does that hold against WHAT IS?! I believe we use love sometimes as a cruch to keep holdin on to things instead of accepting the love for self and taking that and running. In a conversation with a friend she said this " When being in a relationship it's been very common to lose yourself in that union with the other person. Before them you are you after them it becomes that you have to work on you all over again. You should of stayed you during that relationship Because it would of help prevent not feeling so lost afterwards.Along with this acceptance is the understanding of what Time means. Time does not equate to anything beyond what it was to that relationship. I often hear people myself included at one point say or another say "but I was with him for x amount of years." Ok fine but do you want to be with that person for another x amount of years wasting more time because you fail to ACCEPT that Time with this person is up and that anymore investment made will just add to the demise of your heartbreak". Losing yourself and heartbreak?!?! Is losing a love interest like a death?! Because in the process of healing from a death Acceptance is one of the steps. Are we searching to hard for love in other humans and gettin sooo attached that when its over it feels like death?!
Well let me tell you its not!! You are still breathing!! The more you fight the more it hurts. ACCEPTING WHAT IS, is freedom! Its really easy too. Your not forgetting, giving up or not fighting for what you want. Your allowing yourself to be happy another day. Enjoy the blessings of what was and begin to accept the blessings of what is!! All negativity can go that way ----->. Start loving your self more. Begin to look at love as a cirlce of life. You give you recieve. Ones love can be lost and found again. But if you are still loving yourself you are okay. No one is perfect and the closer you get to accepting that the better you feel.
And this is coming from someone who has always fought, argued, cried for love but i am loving myself now!! Im accepting the me i am and accepting that the universe has it all layed out for me and what will be will be. Dont worry about no one else or how they think. You are whats important. Really think hard about what u were doing before that person. You were surviving! Now continue doing it and take the new lessons with you. You have the right to mourn but u also need to accept.
I recieved a text mesaage this morning that said "A day of worry is more exhausting than a week of work." STOP WORRYING, STOP FIGHTING AGAINST IMMOVABLE FORCES!!! its exhausting. This isnt just a love issue only. In all aspects of life acceptance can be a hard time. I moved to the bronx yeaterday and was having a difficult time accepting it!! But guess what i did and i woke up to the birds chirping!! Its all mind over matter! Relax yourself take a deep breathe and say okay ive given my best at the time and now im moving forward n accepting!! Dosnt mean you forgetting anything or losing love your just ACCEPTING WHAT IS!!
Oh yes always use your friends for that cruch if needed!! How can u ever get thru things like this without your friends!!
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO DE BLOGGERS LOL
Location:My new room
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 4:00 PM
Friday, June 24, 2011
Soooo as i promised in February, i came back to explain my epiphany. Yes its been 4 months but dont judge me!!! This is a judge free zone!! Lol . Lord so where do i began. Usually i take my time and explain in detail were my life has been but since im posting from my phone im going to try n keep it breif. Also im hoping that if i do keep it breif some people will get up the nerve to ask the in between questions and spark up some convo. After all, during convo is where i learn the most about mua!! And this is MY transformation right?!
I dont remember if i mentioned befored but last August i turned 24, I was layed off and decided to change my career path! I went from about to register for MSW courses to researching some nursing and emt schools. I ended up taking a 2 1/2 month EMT course and became a certified save ya life chick literally!! Then in January i decided to continue on that path (since i enjoyed it soooo much) and registered to begin taking pre reqs courses to be able to apply to accelerated nursing programs in the state. So i am on a full blown path to becoming Ashley Soleil Rodriguez RN!!! (dont worry ill be gentle hehe) It reads easy but believe its been a long 10 months. Very life changing and full of lessons that i cant wait to explore here on my good ole blog!!
Personally there has been more than what i can even handle going on!! My family is moving to the Bronx (insert gag sound here) ,grams is in a nursing home but doing well, im STILL layed off and its blowing mine lol, and my love life is in shambles ( whats new!!! ). Oh yes and lots and lots of interpersonal growth that i wasnt even ready for. All of that brought me right back here!!
Here where i can openly share my most inner thoughts with who knows and explore them as a type! My blogspot is and has always been the best form of therapy ive ever had in life ( and ive had quite a few lol ). Im just happy to have been able to knock down that writers block n get back to what helps me think clearly!!
Now that i can blog from my phone you will get lots more post from me!! I have sooooooo much to share and question and investigate!! But for now im back to shredding and studying lol
Hasta luego who evers out there!!!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 1:00 PM
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Today is Tuesday February 22nd of 2011. Yea its been that long lol. I don't know who reads this but I just want to share with whoever that I have traveled a long road from October (my last post). Ive made some MAJOR decision's , some MAJOR changes. In this year of 2011 I am turing 25 and looking back and forward..I HAVE COME SOOO FAR. I came to a huge epiphany today and over the last week or so. I will go into things deeper later..I have exams to study for but I definitely will come back and release all this positive energy into my blog. I need to, its only right. This blog was created to help me find my happy..shit to basically help me find myself. Its only right...
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO (don't go to far i will be back..i always come back)
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO (don't go to far i will be back..i always come back)
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 7:20 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Today is October 10,2010. Yes 10-10-10..lucky day apparently. For me the date has had nothing to do with how beautiful it was or even how amazing the past week has been. On Tuesday October 5th,2010 I re dedicated my life to ME.
During this week ending I dedicated a couple things to me..I took some long walks by myself..I observed my surroundings and took them all in. I practiced communication and I practiced following and living from my heart. One of my dedications this week was patience;let the world lead..let my path guide me..explore every second minute and hour..stop rushing. Realize things take time. I have always struggled with this, putting a time line on my life,forcing myself to go with the flow I invented instead of the flow of what the universe has out there for me. I really tried to let go and live in the moment this week. No more rushing, forcing..just feeling and living. I also dedicated music to myself. I opened up my i tunes on Friday and it seemed like a slight film was lifted off my eyes. The music brought me back to times in my life that reminded me of how far I've come..it also reminded of the many good times. So many emotions from the music, but all positive!! I loved it. Idk why i was running from music but I'm glad i came back.
This weekend i also decided to start working on something else i dedicated myself to which was my faith; spiritual faith. I was raised Catholic, baptized, communion and confirmed in that faith.Over the years while reading and learning about other religions and science my faith in the man called "GOD" was weakened. I have more belief in positive and negative energies and the universe. Be that as it may on Sunday i went to church. And for those who know me know that that's like NUTS. I haven't been to church since i did my confirmation and i did that when i was 14 years old.I am 24 years old, so walking into church for me today was very awkward. LOL i walked in and mass had started already. I sat down and honestly didn't know what to do, the entire mass they were standing up and sitting down, singing hym's and so on. The only prayer i knew was the Our Father. The entire time i really didn't understand why i was even there. I already know what it is i believe in, i find it very uncomfortable to talk about another energy on this planet as "GOD" but yet i was there. Until the father read from the gospel i didn't know why i was there. He read something about god healing 10 people who had leprosy and only 1 came back to say thanks. The father explained the gospel and then brought it everyday life 2010. He went on to explaining that the main who came to show gratitude came because he saw he was healed physically of the leprosy as well as healed inside emotionally. He called it a "deeper healing". Once he said that i knew EXACTLY why i was there. I was there because i need a DEEPER HEALING. In the past year and a half i have worked on healing myself physically and mostly emotionally. Working on bringing my confidence back to par, learning to forgive and move forward. Basically fixing all the wounds from relationships of the past and wounds from moments in my life that left their impact on me. I haven't healed myself spiritually, i haven't worked on my soul, and for me that's what the father meant as a deeper healing. I spent time working on my emotional state now i need to work on my state as a person with a warm heart and soul. I need to go deeper. I need to have faith in me and the people around me. I need to work on having gratitude, i want to say please and thank you more often. Smile more and say good morning, good afternoon and good night. Church today gave me that. It gave me a piece of mind that even if i was home alone in silence i wouldn't be able to get. I was able to think and decipher what i needed to do. I guess when i walked in i was too focused on the religious aspect of it, and less on the message it can give you. I am going to try my best to go every Sunday to just listen and think. Get some peace in my soul. Really quickly i would like to say i know the Catholic church can get people angry with some of the things they do, even i have been pretty upset with them and tried to find another form of religion, Even going as far as going to a Buddhist meeting (btw Buddhism is a philosophy more than a religion so you can be both catholic and believe in Buddhism). Anyway i say that because i walked into mass today and the energy was amazing, people were allowed to come as they are and i didn't feel not one moment of negative energy or judgement at all..it felt amazing! I saw something very funny actually lol after we were done giving peace to each other (in catholic church that's when people shake hands and throw up the peace sign to people around them) a women took out hand sanitizer and passed it down her whole row lmaooo..it made me laugh lol.
Before i want to end i want to say that communication and compromise are what make relationships work. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! It has worked wonders for my situation and i hope it continues to help it strive and become better <3
It was a beautiful week...
HASTA LUEGO MUNDO
BTW I clearly wrote this blog on Sunday, sorry for the late posting : /
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 9:43 AM
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Today is Tuesday October 5th,2010 and I am taking this month (starting from today) to re-dedicate myself to ME!! For some small minds out there your probably like "what","what does that mean","that's not grammatically correct" and etc. This is about you or for you. Yesterday I had a long hard day and finally came back to the space where I felt most comfortable..my blog. I read it over and realized how unfocused I had become. It left me pretty disappointed in my actions in the last few months, but also left me trying to figure out what to do to fix it. Yesterday in my blog I re-dedicated myself to myself,my education, my faith, traveling and of course my family. It felt so good to say it. It felt good to release everything that was holding me back and feel all the things coming back to me that made me happy before. I slept on it and woke up today giving myself a fresh start and saying day one starts now...I'm getting back to ME!
Today begins the journey of refocusing for me, the journey of putting me first again. The journey of realizing that what I want is important, that my feelings and opinions are valid. The realization that I am very strong and independent and there is NOTHING wrong with that!!The journey of becoming GREAT is back in full affect!! The idea of loving ME unconditionally is back..and why not?!
This morning I woke up so happy..so refreshed..so positive. It was like all I had to do was release some things in my my mind and let ME back in. It was like an exorcism when I cried and spoke to some friends yesterday. While writing everything came back to me clearly. For me this month of October is fully committed to re discovering ME..continuing the process where I left off and bringing in what I've learned in the last few months. Everyday I wanna dedicate something to me..or things that are important to me..as long as its for ME! I've felt like I lost me lately but I'm back hoe!! Lol
I want to throw something in here that one of my amazing bff brought my attention today..He mentioned how my blog from yesterday was exactly what he needed and how today's horoscope was fit our situations perfectly (were both proud Virgos): "The end of something is always the beginning of something else. Even if a rough end to a long journey has left you feeling exasperated and saddened, and even though it may not really feel like a new beginning, fate has set the stage for an amazing and dramatic development that is slowly evolving now. You can't possibly realize yet just how wonderful a change of circumstances will turn out to be for you, Virgo. Move forward with hope and don't be afraid to believe that the best will be, because your future is incredibly bright."
After I read it, all I can say was EXACTLY!! I was just a day ahead ; )
i love ME <3
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 9:40 PM
Monday, October 4, 2010
I haven't been here in soooooo long. It felt almost like i was avoiding coming back here for some reason.Ive been avoiding my feelings and living in an illusion that's been harder to keep together than just coming here to vent. I came back today and read my blogs and read apart of me that i love but miss so much!! Apart of me that has disappeared. The confident, self assured me, the no settling for bull me. The me that was so in love with ME!! I've been unmotivated and less confident than usual. Ive been settling for things because I'm afraid of the future and I've lost sight of myself and put myself second to some one elses emotions and criticisms of me,of WHO AM I? I figured once there was someone to make me happy i could let go of everything else that did. I stopped reading my positive The Daily Love emails, stopped discovering me. 2 years ago i went thru hell and back and learned so much but then again we learn everyday.I forgot that life was about learning. From my situation with Number 2 i wasn't meant to learn everything there was to learn about relationships. I was just meant to make sure i wouldst make the same mistakes and make better decisions later. What i forgot was the love i need to have for myself first. I was slowly falling in love with me before this summer. I was believing...But i easily loose focus and now I'm completely disappointed in myself.
I found myself today feeling the same feelings i used to feel 2 years ago, but not to the same extent and not for the same reasons. I feel lost,confusion, pain, hurt, low. I lost my focus on myself because i started falling for someone. More like i put someone before my own growth and health again. I feel confusion for trying to be overly strong for everyone and not think about me. Not giving ME any personal time. This time it just wasn't as blatant as the last time but still I'm in this predicament..no? I have to take a break and give myself all of ME to ME!! What happened to my mantra's, what happened to living from my heart. I lost all of that, i lost it all and i have to start all over but i have to be dedicated. How can i not be serious when it comes to my own happiness, how can i let the presence of another human being get in the way of MY OWN PERSONAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS?! Like i said at the beginning of this blog i re read all of my blogs and I have re dedicated some things to myself. I want to be the woman that i know i am supposed to be.That i feel i am supposed to be before i give my love to any man or woman again. Some thoughts of mine today that brought me back..
Don't Rush Love. Don't Chase Love. It Should Just Be.<---- this is the type of love i want..nothing that makes me feel insecure, nothing that makes me feel like mistakes cant be made, that growth together is impossible.
I want to rededicate MYSELF and my life to LOVING ME!, MY Education, MY Faith (in myself and something bigger than me), Traveling, and last and just as important as the 1st thing listed is MY Family. Everything else comes second to those things for now!! I want to dedicate and give myself the gift of the rest of my twenties for ME...the growth of ASHLEY SOLEIL!!! I want to say I LOVE ME, mean it and not be selfish about it (well not to selfish). Everything else in my life has owned me in some way emotionally and I'm really ready to take charge completely!
I will be here more often. There has been so much change in my life in every way and i want to share the bad and good. I want to get things off my chest. I want to get back into the 1st favorite hobby; writing. I want to get back to the amazing me. I don't know why this journey always gets interrupted but enough is enough. I'm to good for this!!
::sigh:: today has been a long day and I'm emotionally and physically tired. Like i said so much has changed so i will be back soon. I leave YOU and ME with the words of the past that have helped me remember and re dedicate my path. Its weird that reading them is kinda weird to me, crazy how far my mental has strayed from that positivity and wellness...but its okay I WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON THAT PATH VERY SOON!!
"create a life from your heart, to allow
instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, to know that I am worth it." "stop chasing what isn't yours
"I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist."
That's a picture of My Titi Carmen and I while at the hospital visiting my grandmother..She is my favorite aunt and after not seeing her for more than 5 years she ends the convo by saying "I love you, u do whatever makes you happy"...i love her so much <3
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 3:45 PM