Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Taking a Step Back

HEY HEY HEY hoy es June 22, 2010 lol. Such a beautiful day out! ! Exciting to see that summer has arrived and for the next couple of weeks i wont need a sweater lol. Today i come to my blog to re release a lesson i just learned this past weekend. It probably is a very like duh in your face kind of thing to some but for me on my journey it was hard to get.

This weekend i took a step back. I re evaluated where i was, thought alot and realized what i wanted and how and what i needed to do to get there. As i mentioned in a recent previous blog there is a "him". And everything with that him is wonderful to be quite honest but this Sunday i realized it was moving to fast. And i know me well enough to know my fears of commitment and fears of allowing another person to be that important in my life again could be the reason why i would run away from something like this, but those weren't the real reasons. The him had asked me quite a number of times to give him me the real me. I argued with him saying no, I'm not ready, not ready to trust someone with all that blah blah blah. It wasn't the best thing to argue because it discouraged both of us from our situation. But i took the time to really think deep about what i was afraid of, why i could be running right now. I really took a step back and thought about me and where i was. And believe me i preach everyday put yourself first lol and believe me its hard to do. I realized that i am not whole yet from the last mishap. I cant give myself unto another till i know who i am again as a person. I am in the process of knowing me still..hello my journey is documented right here for everyone to see.

I made a decision to keep him here because he has been nothing but amazing to me but also to SLOW DOWN and ORGANIZE what we have so were not running on raw emotion and lust. I need to learn me first before i can learn him. And for me lately I've learn alot about me when I'm in the company of others and thru conversations. If things are going to work with him a strong foundation needs to be layed out and that's what i rather do than rush into something. I'm not ready for what a commitment ask for right now, but I'm willing to work towards that if the person is willing to work towards it with me. And he is : ).....

Taking a step back, putting me first, communicating and finding a solution was what i did for the first time this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I've put me first in many other instances but not one where the relationship was an intimate one like this one. That's a huge step for me since in the last one i didn't even know how to begin to do that. I'm proud of me and proud that i didn't run away from someone who has been nothing but amazing since day one.

I had this phrase before that i said all the time but didn't believe it too much: I DESERVE THE BEST! !... simple phrase I'm sure most woman use it...but I'm really getting a grasp for it, and I'm making sure I'm living up to it in my everyday life : )

Just wanted to share that lil life lesson i learned...

Laters World..till next time.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Emotional Coochie Seperation ! !

Hola hoy es el 17 de Juno lol. Good Day everyone, so I'm here again. Today I'm writing because of another blog i read and a conversation. Usually my blog is about me and my journey and today might be more like a topic. But then again its a topic that sparked a 2 hour long discussion between me and someone else. There is always growth in an intellectual conversation..so therefore it is apart of my journey lol.

I just want to know why the hell is it a crime when a women can separate her emotions from her coochie. The minute she is able to have sex with more than one man without feeling emotions for one of them shes some type of "hoe" or "slut". Now let me explain where this thought came from. I read a blog of a woman asking was she wrong for being in a relationship and being able to cheat and not feel any type of remorse (let me say she wasn't cheating on homeboy all over the place it was with her ex from years ago and no that doesn't make it right lol ). All of the men that responded to her blog immediately called her a "hoe" and telling her she was the reason black men dated out of their race; that really pissed me off. Even most of the women responding were calling her even worse names than what the men were calling her. Like it really pissed me off so i responded explained to her that she prob had no remorse for 2 reasons. Number 1 being she was one of the lucky females in the world who had learned to separate her emotions from her coochie , and was able to think as sex with an insignificant as just sex and still completely love who she loved. Or reason Number 2 which was she was subconsciously telling herself she was not ready to be in a relationship. My first reason got plenty of responses and I to was called a cold hearted %!$#@ and asked how could i think that way and all that. I must begin by saying that yes cheating is wrong and all that but you can never control what your significant other does when they are not with you..that is the bottom line. You can only have faith. No i am not saying it makes it right but its the reality of it. If when you are with someone and they make you 100% happy when you two are together that is a golden treasure and cherish it, cuz god only knows what might be happening when you aren't there. But if you love someone its wrong if you know that person would be hurt by your actions if they found out. My comment wasn't condoning her cheating but giving her reasons for not having remorse.

My philosophy on emotional coochie separation really goes for single woman (although if your cheating it can be done). Women are emotional beings, some of us attach feelings to everything. Because of that reason alot of us have been heart broken by the guy who swindled you right before he piped and never spoke to you again afterwards. For me personally i will attach my emotions to sex when the person and i are already attached emotionally without the sex. For those of you who watch sex in the city (although i can find some of the stories from there completely unrealistic), its the Miranda way of thinking, and even her character was called a hoe by many, smh. If you bring 2 different man home in a week, and the old lady who is the nosey one on the block sees this she is thinking your a hoe. THIS IS 2010 PEOPLE, Men have stuck there pipes in and out of holes without giving a damn since B.C. Is it because they have been doing it longer its okay? In my conversation with someone they mentioned that they just had to come to terms with the fact that women now a days have more than "10 bodies under there belt". Like umm this is not lil house on the prairie anymore. Woman aren't getting married off anymore. We have choices and independence. If a women decides to date 3 dudes a time then that's her prerogative as long as she is keeping herself and whatever partner she chooses safe from all diseases and mistaken babies.

I just consider it as a control over your own situation, body and feelings and not putting the power in the hands of the person who is entering and exiting your body without thinking twice. I want women to take a lil bit more control of what is theirs. Yes we are emotional beings but before that we are humans..better yet mammals. One of the many reasons that separates us from all the other mammals are our emotions. Lets use our wonderful brains and know where to place those emotions and stop walking around bitter and broken hearted. WAKE UP..start enjoying sex for what it is..SEX!! When you find that person you love it wont be that anymore it will be love..it will be EUPHORIA.

I think i am done for now lol. Just wanted to share that for my woman out there who probably think the same way and are afraid to. At the end of the day whats most important is that in any situation you find yourself in you RESPECT YOURSELF and PUT YOURSELF FIRST in every sense and things will work themselves out the way they are supposed to...

I'm done lol : )....please feel free to spark up a convo here i wanna hear what people think..

Laterz Blogging world

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


TODAY IS JUNE 16, 2010....WOW its been a while ! ! Another huge long break between my blogging, but today i felt the urge. Well to be honest lately i have been feeling the urge to write down how i have been feeling on the inside. HELLO EVERY ONE! ! LOL I feel like I'm in a huge empty auditorium talking to myself as i write this, but thats okay, I have realized yesterday how much i love being alone somewhere thinking with myself : )...

So lets start with a recap... Last time i spoke to you i was working with foster care (that was a very interesting experience to say the least), I was explaining why someone feelings got hurt (that was also silly) and i just living my life as per usual. In the past 4 months i have continued to work but not with foster care (thank u baby Jesus) and have just moved on emotionally in so many ways...you know continuing to "grow up" i would say. I guess that feeling of growing up is what brought me to write today. Some days when i feel lost i come back and read my own blogs just to get a quick reminder of what my purpose is right now in my life...my lessons learned...my journey. I did that this morning because...i guess i was feeling a tad bit lost and also i have seeing things around me come full circle i guess you can say. Any who it brought me back here today to just (which to be honest is one of my favorite things to do).

LOST: I don't feel lost like i didn't know how to find my way back to the blogging site lol but lost like i had lost my focus on me and my transformation. I don't know if i have mentioned it before but i am my worst enemy. I dont care how crazy it sounds, but seriously inside my head there is a voice that argues with me all the time lol. It honestly stops me from doing things and pushes me do to other things..its very loud too sometimes lol. I know i sound nutz but who the hell are u to judge right? Anyway that shit gets so loud and anoying it made me lose my focus on becoming the best version of me i can be. Although i have been continuing some of my practices that come along with the better me, my moments of introspection and faith in myself have been smothered by the voice lately..but i am back bitches..shes still there but i am determined to drown her out !!

FULL CIRCLE: Watching things around me come full circle was the push that brought me back today. I have spent the last 4 months spending alot of time with my family, which is very weird for me, and slowly trying to opening my heart to someone new. Trust and believe it has not been easy but its been soooo worth it. If you keep up with my blogs you know i cherish family and friends ALOT but didn't really have that relationship with my family that i wanted. Well in the last 4 months that has changed. I have come to forgive and forget and enjoy my familia for the they are!! Really really means alot to me to feel this way about them and im so happy i do but its tru. There a bunch of fuckin nut jobs but they are here with me and for me if i need them. I also had the opportunity to reconnect with my uncle who is unfortunately locked up in jail. He is my favorite unlce tho and we speak all the time and they have been the best conversations ever! i learn him and he learns the new older me since he hasn't seen me in a while. But regardless the connection is still there and it feels great to know that. There has been way more positive energy around when it comes to my family and me and i couldn't be happier.

Now with the HIM. I don't want to go into details but i will say he has been amazing, understanding,caring, a respectable gentlemen, all things sweet and most importantly he has been himself and he has accepted me as myself. No judgements of each others past just looking towards the future. Im just excited to see what the future has for that....

Yesterday evening i spent it with my sister, niece and her friends. They were dieing to see DRAKE and the seaport and because of it we almost died...lol seriously. But after we had dinner and caught myself giving her advice on friendships and boys and all the other things high school comes with. I remember when Chloe was born..i remember changing her paper..i remember her when she was 2, 3 4, years old. And here i was giving her sound advice for her life. THAT WAS A FULL CIRCLE.

Honestly after reading this over before sending it out into the world i realized that i guess i really wasn't lost at all. Everyday in my interesting life is apart of my journey and everyday i learn something new. I guess these past 4 months i have been doing alot of "FIELD" work instead of soul reconstruction, and i am so grateful for it!

I'm going to do my best this summer to keep this updated...i really missed writing and this feeling it just gave me was amazing...

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!!
isnt that just an amazing veiw? : )...just looking out my window when the sun is setting helps me find peace sometimes...