Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Hola mi gente lol, today is Wednesday March 4,2009. Oh man today was long, i am finally done stuffing those damn envelopes at that temp job. I was losing my mind looking at all those envelopes lol. Today started of amazing tho because i went to counseling, and evertime i leave there i feel lighter.
There are 2 things that i kinda want to blog about today, they are both about the blog. Today while talking to my shrink lol (saying shrink makes me giggle), i told him about my blog. Last Tuesdays was when i started it so he didn't know about it. He was very excited and glad to know i was using one of my favorite past times to learn more about myself and heal from the inside out. He asked what i write about, who reads it, who responds, and i answered all his questions without a problem until he asked me if my parents read it. Now that one question made my eyes swell up with tears. In my 2 week blog and a whole month of counseling i have realized one of the biggest issues in my life, my parents. I don't want to make them seem like monsters and unfit parents because i am 22 and i am healthy and on the right track, but emotionally they were my kryptonite. After reading my blogs over again today, i saw almost in everyone they are the core of the issue, the bad example, the reason. And this blog helped me get that answer, and thats why the tears swelled up. I dont want to read about how they emotionally broke me sometimes. I dont want to make them feel any less of a parent. I dont want to start arguments about how i am being ungrateful for what i have, but at the bottom line is my anger and depression stems from the unhappiness in my life. And alot of that unhappiness comes from the relationship with my parents, there is no going around it. He also said to me," Your parents dont know you very well or at all in this point in your life", and that also brought me to tears. I corrected him and said i dont think there was ever a time they really knew me. They might know my reaction to things, what i might do or want but they dont really know me. Especially now, they definitely dont know me, they prob think i can never be less angry and less ms.attitude Ashley than i have every been. It hurts to come to terms with that, its hurts alot but its my truth. They dont know me. I dont know if they ever will. They are older and this is how they were raised, Now if my parents saw all the anger, depression and rage they have n themselves and went to counseling or even just acknowledged it i would love for them to read, and become followers of my blog. But for now my answer is no i dont want them reading it. My responsibility is to myself and gettin Ashley to a better place emotionally and mentally and i am doing that with or without them. Honestly sometimes i wish they knew or asked why i am going to counseling...but you cant get everything you want...
Now after counseling while i was stuffing envelopes a friend of mine from years back asked hit me up on aim. I was his co-counselor in high school at this after school job i had. And the convo went like this:
reyeseerohsee: how are you able to be so open in that blog?
ashezfromdasun: Ummm I don't know...
ashezfromdasun: I have to I feel the need to
ashezfromdasun: And I love writing
reyeseerohsee: do u think that since its just u and your mac, it doesnt seem like its you posting stuff, that you normally would keep inside, to potentially millions of people
ashezfromdasun: No I know people read it
ashezfromdasun: And I don't mind
reyeseerohsee: but im reading todays blog and u talk about having a difficult time expressing yourself... y r u able to post that stuff
ashezfromdasun: Its not an issue expressin myself its an issue talkin to people close to me about issues..I am very clear on expressin myself
ashezfromdasun: To n e body I'm very outspoken but not when it comes toserious shit no
reyeseerohsee: i feel bad
ashezfromdasun: For who?
reyeseerohsee: in general...
reyeseerohsee: i feel like when we worked together that year, me trying to fuck, led to us having a trash working relationship, and i could have really been there for you
ashezfromdasun: Well don't worry about lol I don't want n e one being sorry for me at all
ashezfromdasun: That's not what the blog is for
ashezfromdasun: Its so people can understand and I can understand myself better
reyeseerohsee: well, i kno the blog is for you... but u cant anticipate peoples reactions
reyeseerohsee: i knew something was wrong back then, ...but u were too mean to me lol... but i brought that upon myself
ashezfromdasun: Well don't aticapate n e thing
ashezfromdasun: Just read and understand
ashezfromdasun: Peoples reactions have been uplifting and helpful
reyeseerohsee: dont tell me what to do before i come up there and take ur knees out
ashezfromdasun: Whatever see there u go
reyeseerohsee: nah but, you're doing a good thing
ashezfromdasun: Thank you
ashezfromdasun: I know I am I feel it
reyeseerohsee: just understand, and i think you do after reading about ur friends away message, that with it comes a responsibility
reyeseerohsee: some teenage girl from your building may stumble upon it, and it may help her
ashezfromdasun: I know I have responsibility to me and the people who read and don't mind at all lending out a helping hand
reyeseerohsee: nah cuz on some real shit you could easily b on some, i need to find a job, and fuck everything else
reyeseerohsee: so yeah, im feelin what u doin
ashezfromdasun: Thanx ricky
ashezfromdasun: I hope u keep readin
ashezfromdasun: It might help you one day
reyeseerohsee: i will
reyeseerohsee: it already did
ashezfromdasun: Aww well good I'm glad I helped
I want to make this clear again this blog isnt me asking for sympathy or for people feel bad about what ive been thru..This blog is for ME, ASHLEY SOLEIL not anyone else. I am writing to understand myself better and allow myself to transform into something phenomenal. Everyday i get a deeper look into myself and learn more of who i am to become. If i want anyone to feel anything, i want it to be happiness, i want them to be proud and excited for me on my journey. Now as i said to my friend, i know i have taken on a responsibility to people who read and use me as an example and ask for help or advice. I am here to help and guide if someone needs it without hesitation, god knows i needed guidance, so i would never turn down anyone else. If my blog is helping you find things in yourself, than im happy for you and your welcome. Your responses help me reflect and humble myself even more than i am doing and i love you all for it..keep reading there is soo much more to come....
To my readers and responders:
thank you for reading and responding, your responses sometimes bring me to tears and put huge smiles on my face. you guys are a reflection of me and vise versa so were pretty much amazing people from what i see...i love u and thanx again...
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 8:23 PM