Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Deeper Healing

Today is October 10,2010. Yes 10-10-10..lucky day apparently. For me the date has had nothing to do with how beautiful it was or even how amazing the past week has been. On Tuesday October 5th,2010 I re dedicated my life to ME.

During this week ending I dedicated a couple things to me..I took some long walks by myself..I observed my surroundings and took them all in. I practiced communication and I practiced following and living from my heart. One of my dedications this week was patience;let the world lead..let my path guide me..explore every second minute and hour..stop rushing. Realize things take time. I have always struggled with this, putting a time line on my life,forcing myself to go with the flow I invented instead of the flow of what the universe has out there for me. I really tried to let go and live in the moment this week. No more rushing, forcing..just feeling and living. I also dedicated music to myself. I opened up my i tunes on Friday and it seemed like a slight film was lifted off my eyes. The music brought me back to times in my life that reminded me of how far I've also reminded of the many good times. So many emotions from the music, but all positive!! I loved it. Idk why i was running from music but I'm glad i came back.

This weekend i also decided to start working on something else i dedicated myself to which was my faith; spiritual faith. I was raised Catholic, baptized, communion and confirmed in that faith.Over the years while reading and learning about other religions and science my faith in the man called "GOD" was weakened. I have more belief in positive and negative energies and the universe. Be that as it may on Sunday i went to church. And for those who know me know that that's like NUTS. I haven't been to church since i did my confirmation and i did that when i was 14 years old.I am 24 years old, so walking into church for me today was very awkward. LOL i walked in and mass had started already. I sat down and honestly didn't know what to do, the entire mass they were standing up and sitting down, singing hym's and so on. The only prayer i knew was the Our Father. The entire time i really didn't understand why i was even there. I already know what it is i believe in, i find it very uncomfortable to talk about another energy on this planet as "GOD" but yet i was there. Until the father read from the gospel i didn't know why i was there. He read something about god healing 10 people who had leprosy and only 1 came back to say thanks. The father explained the gospel and then brought it everyday life 2010. He went on to explaining that the main who came to show gratitude came because he saw he was healed physically of the leprosy as well as healed inside emotionally. He called it a "deeper healing". Once he said that i knew EXACTLY why i was there. I was there because i need a DEEPER HEALING. In the past year and a half i have worked on healing myself physically and mostly emotionally. Working on bringing my confidence back to par, learning to forgive and move forward. Basically fixing all the wounds from relationships of the past and wounds from moments in my life that left their impact on me. I haven't healed myself spiritually, i haven't worked on my soul, and for me that's what the father meant as a deeper healing. I spent time working on my emotional state now i need to work on my state as a person with a warm heart and soul. I need to go deeper. I need to have faith in me and the people around me. I need to work on having gratitude, i want to say please and thank you more often. Smile more and say good morning, good afternoon and good night. Church today gave me that. It gave me a piece of mind that even if i was home alone in silence i wouldn't be able to get. I was able to think and decipher what i needed to do. I guess when i walked in i was too focused on the religious aspect of it, and less on the message it can give you. I am going to try my best to go every Sunday to just listen and think. Get some peace in my soul. Really quickly i would like to say i know the Catholic church can get people angry with some of the things they do, even i have been pretty upset with them and tried to find another form of religion, Even going as far as going to a Buddhist meeting (btw Buddhism is a philosophy more than a religion so you can be both catholic and believe in Buddhism). Anyway i say that because i walked into mass today and the energy was amazing, people were allowed to come as they are and i didn't feel not one moment of negative energy or judgement at felt amazing! I saw something very funny actually lol after we were done giving peace to each other (in catholic church that's when people shake hands and throw up the peace sign to people around them) a women took out hand sanitizer and passed it down her whole row made me laugh lol.

Before i want to end i want to say that communication and compromise are what make relationships work. COMMUNICATION IS KEY!!! It has worked wonders for my situation and i hope it continues to help it strive and become better <3

It was a beautiful week...

BTW I clearly wrote this blog on Sunday, sorry for the late posting : /

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Back on track...

Today is Tuesday October 5th,2010 and I am taking this month (starting from today) to re-dedicate myself to ME!! For some small minds out there your probably like "what","what does that mean","that's not grammatically correct" and etc. This is about you or for you. Yesterday I had a long hard day and finally came back to the space where I felt most blog. I read it over and realized how unfocused I had become. It left me pretty disappointed in my actions in the last few months, but also left me trying to figure out what to do to fix it. Yesterday in my blog I re-dedicated myself to myself,my education, my faith, traveling and of course my family. It felt so good to say it. It felt good to release everything that was holding me back and feel all the things coming back to me that made me happy before. I slept on it and woke up today giving myself a fresh start and saying day one starts now...I'm getting back to ME!

Today begins the journey of refocusing for me, the journey of putting me first again. The journey of realizing that what I want is important, that my feelings and opinions are valid. The realization that I am very strong and independent and there is NOTHING wrong with that!!The journey of becoming GREAT is back in full affect!! The idea of loving ME unconditionally is back..and why not?!

This morning I woke up so positive. It was like all I had to do was release some things in my my mind and let ME back in. It was like an exorcism when I cried and spoke to some friends yesterday. While writing everything came back to me clearly. For me this month of October is fully committed to re discovering ME..continuing the process where I left off and bringing in what I've learned in the last few months. Everyday I wanna dedicate something to me..or things that are important to long as its for ME! I've felt like I lost me lately but I'm back hoe!! Lol

I want to throw something in here that one of my amazing bff brought my attention today..He mentioned how my blog from yesterday was exactly what he needed and how today's horoscope was fit our situations perfectly (were both proud Virgos): "The end of something is always the beginning of something else. Even if a rough end to a long journey has left you feeling exasperated and saddened, and even though it may not really feel like a new beginning, fate has set the stage for an amazing and dramatic development that is slowly evolving now. You can't possibly realize yet just how wonderful a change of circumstances will turn out to be for you, Virgo. Move forward with hope and don't be afraid to believe that the best will be, because your future is incredibly bright."

After I read it, all I can say was EXACTLY!! I was just a day ahead ; )

i love ME <3

Monday, October 4, 2010


I haven't been here in soooooo long. It felt almost like i was avoiding coming back here for some reason.Ive been avoiding my feelings and living in an illusion that's been harder to keep together than just coming here to vent. I came back today and read my blogs and read apart of me that i love but miss so much!! Apart of me that has disappeared. The confident, self assured me, the no settling for bull me. The me that was so in love with ME!! I've been unmotivated and less confident than usual. Ive been settling for things because I'm afraid of the future and I've lost sight of myself and put myself second to some one elses emotions and criticisms of me,of WHO AM I? I figured once there was someone to make me happy i could let go of everything else that did. I stopped reading my positive The Daily Love emails, stopped discovering me. 2 years ago i went thru hell and back and learned so much but then again we learn everyday.I forgot that life was about learning. From my situation with Number 2 i wasn't meant to learn everything there was to learn about relationships. I was just meant to make sure i wouldst make the same mistakes and make better decisions later. What i forgot was the love i need to have for myself first. I was slowly falling in love with me before this summer. I was believing...But i easily loose focus and now I'm completely disappointed in myself.

I found myself today feeling the same feelings i used to feel 2 years ago, but not to the same extent and not for the same reasons. I feel lost,confusion, pain, hurt, low. I lost my focus on myself because i started falling for someone. More like i put someone before my own growth and health again. I feel confusion for trying to be overly strong for everyone and not think about me. Not giving ME any personal time. This time it just wasn't as blatant as the last time but still I'm in this I have to take a break and give myself all of ME to ME!! What happened to my mantra's, what happened to living from my heart. I lost all of that, i lost it all and i have to start all over but i have to be dedicated. How can i not be serious when it comes to my own happiness, how can i let the presence of another human being get in the way of MY OWN PERSONAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS?! Like i said at the beginning of this blog i re read all of my blogs and I have re dedicated some things to myself. I want to be the woman that i know i am supposed to be.That i feel i am supposed to be before i give my love to any man or woman again. Some thoughts of mine today that brought me back..

Don't Rush Love. Don't Chase Love. It Should Just Be.<---- this is the type of love i want..nothing that makes me feel insecure, nothing that makes me feel like mistakes cant be made, that growth together is impossible.

I want to rededicate MYSELF and my life to LOVING ME!, MY Education, MY Faith (in myself and something bigger than me), Traveling, and last and just as important as the 1st thing listed is MY Family. Everything else comes second to those things for now!! I want to dedicate and give myself the gift of the rest of my twenties for ME...the growth of ASHLEY SOLEIL!!! I want to say I LOVE ME, mean it and not be selfish about it (well not to selfish). Everything else in my life has owned me in some way emotionally and I'm really ready to take charge completely!

I will be here more often. There has been so much change in my life in every way and i want to share the bad and good. I want to get things off my chest. I want to get back into the 1st favorite hobby; writing. I want to get back to the amazing me. I don't know why this journey always gets interrupted but enough is enough. I'm to good for this!!

::sigh:: today has been a long day and I'm emotionally and physically tired. Like i said so much has changed so i will be back soon. I leave YOU and ME with the words of the past that have helped me remember and re dedicate my path. Its weird that reading them is kinda weird to me, crazy how far my mental has strayed from that positivity and wellness...but its okay I WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON THAT PATH VERY SOON!!

"create a life from your heart, to allow
instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, to know that I am worth it." "stop chasing what isn't yours

"I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist."

The Pic
That's a picture of My Titi Carmen and I while at the hospital visiting my grandmother..She is my favorite aunt and after not seeing her for more than 5 years she ends the convo by saying "I love you, u do whatever makes you happy"...i love her so much <3