Today is Thursday MARCH 11,2010..Been a while, but that's not what i want to dwell on...
So I was in a car accident that could of possibly taken my life on Friday. Car hydro planned flip and landed on the rail. I was in the car with 2 of my favorite people. We walked away literally without a scratch..broken bone..nothing but shock that we were still breathing. Up until last night I wasn't able to really sleep a full night without dreaming the accident over or kinda be anxious and nervous, thinking that some final destination shit would happen. I needed a mental break, I needed to write. So I did :
Wow so I now the real meaning believe in angels or spirits or just plain on circumstances and reasons. If One more person was in the car and they would of been hurt. If the snow wouldn't of been there we all would of been hurt. But we didn't get hurt. For a whole night I wondered why we didn't get hurt instead of why was I given this chance. Or even what do I need to do to take advantage of this chance I was given. That's when I broke down. I cried and let it all out... And then realized it took this to happen for me to LIVE..try new things, have an open mind..live for me. Although I felt like I was learning these things recently this accident taught me that the way my friend Angel lives is right. Its not selfish its just living for self. When u die no one can male up all the things in YOUR life for you..if they tried it would be their experience not yours and YOU missed out. I have to LIVE for me...I have to LIVE...
The 2nd lesson was bad but also good....
I guess I taught someone a lesson that I was once taught but I really didn't want to be the teacher. But as I always say shit happens for a reason. The thoughts in my mind were always "I should be going thru this phase in my life alone". And now I am. Does it feel better..umm not quite yet but I know it will just have to reprogram myself. But I def needed this lesson. She showed me I wasn't ready but taught me how to be. Will I tell you how to be what? Nah...I'm still learning that myself. But thanx Lori...
For the record apologies are never hard for me..I know wen I'm wrong. I don't apologize for what I did cuz those were my actions act the time and I control me..but I do apologize for the way u feel. An empathetic sorry more than a sympathetic sorry. I've been there and know exactly how it feels. The only loss is the friend I had in her..the confidence I kept with her. But again that also happened for a reason.
The only thing that really really bothers is that she wasn't able to actually say "stop doing this or that" at whatever time but allowed it to continue. I knew how she felt and explained how i felt. Once that was done and differences were laid out decisions should of been made by each individual to keep themselves safe. What she never understood and prob still doesn't is that i care for her more than she thinks....but i care for me millions times more than n e one can ever understand. And for that i will never apologize. Shes in the phase of learning now that once u love yourself more you will always come first. In relations of the heart you should always come first..You never ignore how u feel, u put that emotion first and go for what you want not whats best for the other person...but she is learning that now..
As i said am I'm not super proud that i taught her that...clearly im not cuz it makes me out to be a monster. But I've learned over time and experience that when someone hurts you there not monsters there teaching you a lesson that you needed to learn to survive later. There is good in everyone, as evil as the person might get, the lesson they have taught you is whats important.
Time DOES NOT heel all wounds...CONSCIOUSNESS does...wake up learn the lesson and move forward and leave the negative behind.
So in retrospect... i learned the meaning of living and not being afraid to....im not out to hurt anyone at all...but im definitely out to live MY life.. i mean hey its mine to live right?
Hasta Luego Mundo : )
