Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Hello all....its December 22,2009 and I just read a blog where someone said they spoke to God. People say they talk to god...I've been baptized catholic did the communion thing and confirmation. Ask me if I know what any of them besides baptism mean..I won't have an answer for you. But lately I've been attending church and just sitting in the back. Ever sinc ei was younger I always got a sense of calmness in church. And to be honest I don't know if it was the idea of faith that I had in the religion or just because of the scenery. I read when people say they talk to god...can that be mistaken with talking to yourself. I haven't been very spiritual ever. But now as I grow I have been exploring what I believe, what I feel, vibes and energies. I know that I can say I have a hard time believing in myself so how can I put faith in another. I can Also say I have always felt vibes but never acknowledged them until lately and they haven't let me down yet. I guess someone would call that my instincts or what not idk. As far as energies...I believe in positive energy..anything that puts a smile in my face, help me to believe in me and keeps me at peace. I think that why I actually sit in church. Not to talk to god but enjoy the peace an energy I feel inside there. Alot of people including me have been completely judgemental towards religion and what it has caused but I think it's the people who believe in it and not what the religion preaches. If everyone just had positive faith it would work....

December 23,2009 so I run n catch my train see the one empty seat In the car, I sit down and when I look up who do I see..The peace man again. Like this could probably be a coincidences but for where I am in life it seems more like a sign. Maybe he isn't meditating maybe he's sleep but even in sleep he looks at peace. It's so crazy lol..

December 24,2009 and only the darker skinned people are on there way to work..like WTF hahahah...I had to completely drag myself out of bed today..ayeeeeeee...

Today is December 27 the Sunday after Christmas. By the way merry xmas and happy holidays to all you know all that good shit. I'm not like the biggest fan of holidays because I don't know who's genuine about it n e more. People become like automatically friendly and wish u all types of happiness and then u guys don't speak tomorrow. For me I enjoyed Xmas because of my family coming together ,the decorating of the Christmas tree the food..it was never really about the gifts. This year I lacked on Xmas spirit..I don't even know what that spirit feels like..seemed like I was just drinking and eating for the hell of it as usual. I didn't send out a mass text saying happy holidays cuz I just didn't feel like it. Just happy i saw all the people that are most important to me..whether i remember seeing them or not..whether it was for 3 hrs or 5 mins..I LOVE THEM and they made my xmas...

laters people...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Peace...n some randomness on the side...


Hey Guys so today is Friday December 18,2009 and I see the man again..the one who was completely at peace on the 2 train. He smiled at me, sitting the same position he was in before. His hands in like a typical meditation position. Today he was smiling at everybody, seemed like he was hype it was Friday too lol....

Randomness...
I love my parents..they have brought me this far..there not perfect but gave me the tools and taught me how to use them. I might have some resentment deep down inside but I can and will over come that and love them unconditionally. And anyone who tries to disrespect them will not do so without having to deal with me.....

Monday December 21,2009...Sometimes I catch myself missing him or thinking how sad I would be if i see him with someone else..but then I think about the heartache I felt and things lighten up, but then there is that lingering feeling of that lil ounce of love,that doesn't go away fast, it takes time and patience and that I have to keep in mind cuz I tend to get upset with myself like ughh let it go. Some days I just randomly miss him but then I have an amazing convo with my brother from another mother who is in the situation I was in and I remember why I am here. You can't love someone unconditionally if you don't love yourself. If you did you would realize the dragging back and forth, the jealousy, the lies, the crying, fighting is selfish and you wouldn't tolerate it. Once I get reminded of that, I smile and move on. Of course u miss that person who was a constant in your life everyday but you don't miss the heartache..Sometimes you feel heartache being apart but if you still feel that you aren't really 100% loving yourself or at least trying...It will be better with that person once you are healthy enough to know whats best for you, maybe you can teach them something, build an amazing friendship who knows..well that's how i feel, i cant speak for others...i deserve the best..this is for the best..

...doesn't hurt to be polite...like people really need to start considering other people in there life. This idea of "I gotta worry about me" is tru but there is always room for being considerate. The only thing I might say you owe someone is the common courtesy If there in your life on a daily basis ya know that's all...my biggest dream is probably having a family and making my own traditions..

I've been so happy lately...like inside i feel so light, very airy if that makes sense to anyone. I wake up everyday and just smile while i force myself out of bed lol. I say good morning and mean it, i smile at random people on the train. And to be honest its weird for me since i have spent have my 23 years angry at whatever whenever. Feels like a burden has been lifted...a veil...and i am seeing and understanding things clearer now, keeping an open mind and i love it. I have faith in me, i love me, i love the sun lol...

lol sorry for being all over the place..goodnight lol

Hopelss Romantic


Hola today is Wednesday December 16,2009. So this has been something honestly I just noticed. Well more like something I try to deny for what reason idk. Maybe because I was being to cynical like everyone else, or being the "broken hearted girl" that didn't want to admit it. So anyway my name is Soleil and I am HOPELESS ROMANTIC!! Lol I just came out to the world. I love Romeo an Juliet, I love hand written letters, the flowers, I love saving the first date movie ticket stub or menu from a restaurant, i love the love songs that make love seem like an unreachable dream.I believe in the union of two people; marriage. I beleive there is some one for everyone, I want a horse draw carriage, I want to be stupid in healthy love lol. And of course i want to be able to do all those things for the person I love in return ( trust I know romance is a 2 way street). I think many people lately have been giving up on love, or the idea of it. Were surrounded everyday by sexual images, divorces, single songs lol ( don't get me wrong I'm single an enjoying it) but I also know that I want a life partner to share my life one day with. Thursday December 17,2009 Yes we do live in a different time where technology runs our lives, but before all that people were sending letters, giving real hugs that included human to human touch. Now we send 2 dots and a smile and the word hug over text message, taking out any type of simple intimacy. People don't even call each other anymore. I can admit being sucked into this new wave of love but I like the old fashioned version. The version where simple touch kept people drawn into each other. I also must admit that I don't easily give affection and show it but I do secretly love affection. I can lay around all day cuddled and hugged up forgetting all ambitions and responsibilities. But the exterior I keep up from past pain keeps me from expressing that, but I have made a promise to myself to be open but cautious. I want to swept of my feet by another..right now I'm doing it myself. I surprise me everyday and fall more in love with me everyday. And for now I'm ok with that. Until I accomplish certain milestones i have for myself I can wait for all that stuff. Cuz I actually want to be able to enjoy it completely and not be worried about love and still trying to focus on my goals. I mean if some amazing person comes along and sweeps me off my feet with all that stuff I ask for hey by all means lol, even small cute things that nice for those cold winter nights lol . But I can wait, I wanna make sure that person gets the best version of me I can offer and a clean slate...

BUENAS NOCHES MUNDO

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i love her...

Ello people today is Friday December 11,2009...Crying...why do people hate to cry. I mean to be honest for me it was it was the fear of letting people know something was actually wrong. I felt the need to always act as if I was ok. Which I've come to realize is just utterly impossible and if you try to do it your only hurting yourself. Yea so I wrote that Friday night while i was on my way to queens to hang out with a friend who is trying to teach me to just chill lol. The topic of crying came up with another friend of mine. She was asking me why I'm always crying for something. I must say things do make me cry pretty easily now but in the past you couldn't get a tear out of me,it was impossible. In the past 3 years crying seemed like the only thing I could do to release all the feelings inside. I personally believe it's the best way to release so much energy good or bad. After crying I feel so much Better even if I am crying about nothing in particular. I wanna recommend it to whoever doesn't have a healthy alternative to release negative energy or Any energy.

So today is Tuesday December 15,2009 and now I want to talk about the friend who asked why i cry. Ok so i had a girlfriend..for those of you who didn't know now u know. And not like a "hey girl..whats up" lol..she was my boo and i love her. And i bring this up because i have been talking to her everyday lately and we haven't talked like that since the day we broke up, and i had a conversation with another friend as to why and how was i able to become so comfortable with her so quickly. Yea i guess i always had the fantasy of being with another women. But to be honest before this encounter it was always only about the sex, like i was interested on how it felt to have sex with a women. Then after meeting her and actually getting to know her in the short time, i grew to love her. Before we even became intimate me and her were like friends and real close ones at that. And what i mean by that is that we had things in common, we were there for each other and understood each other. Yes i have amazing friends but for some reason our relationship was different...maybe because we were intimate eventually but hey idk but it was...it is. We started speaking again lately and now it seems like much didn't change between us besides the fact that were not intimate with each other. That's how we became so close and intimate. I told a friend that i honestly felt more comfortable with her sexually than with a man. Weird he thought but to me it wasn't, after having a sexually abusive pass like i have, being with women was alot easier. She has been there for me even when i know some of the things i tell her she doesn't want to hear...she never judged me and she is there at the drop of a dime if i need her and its amazing to me how i over look her sometimes. She has never hurt me like others who i give 100% to have. The emotional relationship we have is something i cherish greatly and i might not tell her that all the time but i do. I think she knows now tho...So to my friend that's why and how i got so wrapped up in a girl so quick. It was all fun and games until it wasn't lol.

That's all i want to say for now....i will get deeper into my past in another blog when i am fully ready, for those of you who are thinking about they sexually abusive part...

HASTA LUEGO MUNDO ! !

p.s
i love her...

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Mantras...


Friday December 4th,2009 8:53am..on the train to work and a man asked a women " excuse me mam can I give your son some advice..he sounds very smart an I just want to give him advice" the women responds yea go ahead and he tells the kid " never give up on your dreams and never give up on yourself". I looked at the man and smiled. It was so simple and so genuine and it made my heart very warm. This man then turned back and looked as if he was starting to meditate. Had his fingers in that certain position. Looked extremely regular but his soul was clean,free,happy,enlightened. Like he knew enuff to keep him happy and clear minded. Amazing I thought,on the 2 train crowded peopled annoyed all around you and he sat there in a meditating position with his aura glowing..it impressed me made me jealous and curious all at the same time. My stop came and I stood up and looked at him and smiled. He put his hand together and bowed his head at me and I got off. That really made my entire morning. A man at peace with himself...he seemed so alive within himself. Made me wonder what do I have to do to get there..what road to follow. It was beyond being relaxed it was just a very easy soul. Nothing bothered him. Brings me to what my blog last night what supposed to be about. A mantra. A few sentences you put together that speak to you personally and give you motivation. My amazingly talented friend Ayanna had a mantra written and posted on her wall, I saw that like a year ago and always said I would make one for myself. Never did. Just finished a great book by Terrie Williams called black pain. And she spoke of creating a mantra for yourself to motivate you and keep you at peace and positive. This man on the train reminded me of my mantra that I kept saying I would create for myself. I needed something to remind me of where I want to be..at peace,moving forward, accomplishing my goals, positive. So my goal for this weekend is to create a mantra for myself. It will be the beginning of finding peace within myself.

Yea so I wrote that Friday morning on my way to work. It's now Monday December 7th,2009 and I'm on my way to work after a long weekend. So again this weekend I took a step backwards in my growing process and allowed myself to hurt n get hurt. I don't want to go into details I just want to say that it hurts lol. I am not completely broken down at all I'm actually handling it better than I have in the past but nonetheless my heart hurts. That's probably one of the feelings I hate the most. A punch is easier to deal with than this. But I must say my friends are the greatest thing in life that I am blessed with. They said the right things..cracked the right jokes..they were there when I needed them. I couldn't ask for anything else. Sooo I didn't have time to create a mantra between my tears..but I'm not gonna allow myself to fall so far of track like I have before. Today I will take the time to think about what will help me move onward n upward past this situation and make a great couple of lines for myself. I wanna use the words peace,fearless,strength,power,
positivity, happiness,love,HERE!!

Yea so i wrote that Monday and now today is Thursday December 10,2009 and I'm on my way downtown after work. Really busy week at work and honestly I have been exhausted. But I have definitely thought about my mantra all week..so much that at work on my computer I have sticky notes that have positive messages written on them. For example one says "I'm worth it", another says "lack of ambition is so wack" and "onward and upward..progression..only you can make your dreams come true!!". They make me feel good,every time I read them, and they are reminders of my mantra that I have been wanting to create for myself. I'm starting to realize how long it might take me to create it to lol. I have so many aspects that I want to touch and I won't be satisfied till I get the perfect mantra. The one that jumps off the paper and into my heart and gets me moving!! Maybe I'm giving it to much responsibility lol but I really want it to make me feel good.

Anyway 2 cool things happened this week 1. I had an refreshingly honest convo lol and it was good after the weekend of lies I had and 2. I have talked everyday to someone who is like a mirror image of myself lol. Both are cool because in both I learned so much. Reflectively and about the other person. And like I've said many times before I love learning new things about myself thru someone elses views and just learning about anything. I learned this week people will surprise you. Of course this is something that you know and hear all the time. But regardless how many times you hear it you still get comfortable with the ideas of people you want to believe, and once that happens surprise surprise. I want to learn to not be surprised but have faith at the same time. How do you do that without seeming standoffish and phony?!?!

Anyway moving on to some random thoughts i have been having. I always want to say that the tattoo on my wrist signifies what being HERE first meant to me the minute I understood it in my heart.... I also want to say that people need to let go of the old me and get to know the new me. It's a new year and for me it's like a new beginning. My growth has surprised a lot of people as I have seen and some people can't see past the old me. If you can't see it I'm sorry you can't because I think it's great. Everyday my heart gets lighter and brighter and my list of lessons unlearned is getting shorter. I'm a Caterpillar on her way to her ca coon...pollination at it's finest...I feel free er than I have ever felt before, and I'm sure it will only get better. Now people will be HERE or not. Like I said people will surprise you but I'm more concerned with how I can surprise myself right now.

I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist. Wow I think I found my mantra ::tear::..what you guys things ?!

Hasta Luego Mundo ! !

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Miss Softy


Ello Ello people so today is December 2,2009. Hope everyone day is going well..soo today I did a home visit to assess a new client on my case load and was so mentally, emotionally an physically drained. Like wow. And he wasn't like woe is me but his Story alone was pretty heavy. It really made me wonder like am I completely ready for this line of work? Should I be completely emotionally and mentally healed before I try to help the next person? As a friend of mine would say.." Idk man". Anyway I don't want to dwell on that right now. I believe only thru continuing to experience this job will I know for sure where I am supposed to be as far social work.

I wanted to discuss how the simplest things make me happy. This topic came to me while shopping for Xmas gifts online. I have 5 nieces( one is 20 she won't be getting a gift..well maybe a gift card) an 2 nephews. Then my younger brother and my puppy Apollo. Since I adore and cherish them ( n since were in a recession) I decided they are the only ones getting gifts. Mom n Dad too but every other family member could go kick rocks. So I'm shopping on amazon and spend 197 on one niece and my brother. And I'm like WTF, I feel like a card with a nice message would put a smile on my face. And I started thinking. I am one of the most simple individuals to buy a gift for and other things when I come to think about it. Clearly my life isn't simple at all lol but gongs that make me happy are. I enjoy gifts that are handmade, that come with a story as to why they were given to me. I don't need the most expensive thing or the brand name whatever..I just need to know that I was thought about when it came down to it.

So I said this to someone and they said "really..doesn't seem like your personality to like the simple things in life". And to be honest I wasn't surprised at all. I do come off a lil harsher than a hug lol..started thinking about why I don't allow my soft side to be seen? What stops me?! I spend alot of time being hard core, keeping a wall up.. Honestly lately I've been doing a better job at allowing myself to just be. I've realized how completely unconscious it is for me. Before I know it I'm protecting myself by not allowing any one in. I don't need to get into the reason for protection, I know that reason already..now I'm just in the process of growing from there and showing the world how satisfied I am with just a great hug or a good reflective convo. I have to stop being afraid to be vulnerable to a certain extent.

I guess all in all I'm saying I am a complete softy and enjoy the simplest things in life. I'm a simple girl I guess lol idk.

Hasta Luego Blog world !!! Happy Holidays !!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Acceptance of the Self

Ello Luvs (lol got that from my new British friend lol) Tuesday December 1,2009 another WOW the year is almost over. Looking back it's all a blur but I must say it was great since I'm here breathing and pretty happy about that lol. So today I got to work, sat in my office and someone had already slipped the daily memo under the door. I take it to make copies for my CFW and I found something in the printer. It was labeled "Tips on Developing Self Acceptance". I definitely picked it up and Made a copy for myself. If you read my blog you know self acceptance is an issue I've had. Whether I have stated it boldly or not, if you can read between the lines you know. So for me it was a no brainer to make a copy and post it somewhere in my office.

Honestly i didn't actually sit and read it till I got home. And before this time I was sent a new blog to read by an old friend. She recently decided to start blogging and her first one basically was an introduction to why she was blogging. She was blogging not to heal or see herself grow but to accept herself first, which I must commend her for btw. I'm in the process I guess of healing and accepting at the same time..ok back to the paper. It gave approximately 10 steps or ways to help reach a point of self acceptance, and everyone one I identified with. Some more than others. Most I have already identified myself as having a problem doing, so maybe I'm ahead of the game. This was just a reminder ,maybe even a sign letting me know I'm on the right track...thank you for that...who ever you are..

I am going to share the 10 steps with you all..maybe it can be a guide for people who need to learn to accept themselves but don't know where to start.. here goes...

1. Allow yourself to listen to other peoples opinions and objections without holding grudges and learn to tolerate.

2. Refuse to measure yourself to peoples expectations.

3. Take care of yourself and do not wait for others to do so.

4. Accept compliments from others and believe that they are true.

5. Find the good attractive parts of you. Reassure yourself that you are OK. Focus on the positive about you.

6. Compliment yourself for the task you have accomplished and allow yourself to accept your mistakes and inadequacy.

7. See yourself as a whole person, a gift and of value to yourself, in the eye of others and in the eyes of the creator.

8. Stop picking yourself apart and criticizing. This attitude is going to make you uncomfortable and unhappy.

9. Feel good about yourself. Affirm that you are blessed with good health, a sound mind and physically complete.

10. Let go of wanting approval from others.

I don't know who wrote these steps or who was making a copy of them, but i am thankful for the
vivid reminder of the things i need to work on.
I love reflecting now more than ever..allows me to learn about where i am in my journey..this def helped me do that...I hope it can help some of you readers out there..I'm out for the night...

Shout outs:

Lori: Congrats on the first blog..I'm sure it will be great as long as you keep yourself committed to accepting it...

Buenas Noches world..

Monday, November 30, 2009

Thankful


Today is Monday November 30,2009 and all i can say is WOW its been a long time. I don't even want to address my absence from my blog, i just want to move on and discuss what has brought me back today. I have been extremely busy with a new job I'll discuss in later blogs as well as researching grad schools and life as single 23 year old in the city of New York lol. But on the morning of Thanksgiving i woke up at the freaking crack and decided to take a walk with my puppy Apollo (Yes i have a puppy now). So as you can see alot in my life has changed since July, 5 months ago and it seems like I'm living a totally different life, looking at things a totally different way..and because of those reasons i am here typing away and letting you into my fairly new world.

So as i said i woke up at the crack November 26,2009 and decided to walk with Apollo. It was a beautiful fall morning, i turned my phone off, put Apollo's harnest on and left my house and walked. And i have to say it was the most relaxing and refreshing thing i did in a long time. My mind didn't race like it normally did, it didn't kill itself with negative thoughts, didn't think a million thoughts at once..it was just kinda quiet, taking in the scenery in central park, enjoyed Apollo's character and focused on the last 5 months. I decided to think of the things i was thankful for since it was thanksgiving. Right before i turned my phone off i had to check twitter and saw everyone reasons for being thankful (btw follow me @asunrising lol). I began to think about just that. The things in my life i was genuinely thankful for and i just started to kinda get sentimental. Not in a sad depressing way either. I was reflecting and really thinking deep about my world in the past 5 months and being so completely grateful for everything. Right then and there i decided to create a list of the things i was most thankful for....and share them with you..(there not in any specific order)

1.Me: I have never met anyone like me, I am not perfect and don't claim to be. I am strong and wise beyond my years but have no problem learning more about myself or things around me. I repeat i am STRONG...unless u can read my mind or walk in my shoes u would have no idea what this meant to me.

2.My Brother: My brother is Me..we have lived the same lives up until the age he left for Groton. We don't have to speak and he already knows. He is my life.

3.My Friends: I don't have many and that is the way i like it. People in the past 5 months have left some have joined, has it affected me of course. Am i sad, No. As i have learned, as you move along the road of progression in life people will filter out, some will stay and help you grow and support you. Others will chose to leave or under other certain circumstances want or have to leave. I am constantly growing as a person in so many ways and if your a true friend of mine you recognize my growth and efforts and help me along the way. If not you leave and during your time hear have taught me valuable lesson and for that i am thankful.

If you are HERE u have been the most amazing people to me in the last 5 months and for you i am extremely grateful beyond description. i love u.

4.My Family: Extremely dis functional but very entertaining. Cant live with them and i cant live without them. i love u guys

5. Apollo: Oh man i know he is just a dog but he has taught me so much. I would give this dog the world lol. He has taught me what it is to love something as much as i love me lol. He keeps me company when I'm at my worst and is always at the door wen i get home showering me with unconditional love. It might sound crazy but this is the second time i have felt that love in my life. He is a dog, clearly doesn't speak human language lol but i never feel alone when its just him and I. I love him soo much he makes me sooo happy.

6. My Job: In this recession anybody working is grateful lol. I am beyond that lol.

7. Growth: I am thankful for the fact that i notice my own faults and continuously try to change them. A master piece can not be rushed, so i cant rush my growth..it all takes time. I am growing every minute of the day and i love it. Some people don't have the patience to be around me during this time and that's fine..

8.You: I can tell you anything and i know i wont be judged or told I'm crazy. I feel safe with you in the weirdest ways lol but also afraid of what were capable of. Your amazing and have been one of the greatest gifts in my life.. lol after Apollo lolol...I love u

9.My readers/My Blog: Even though i don't write everyday, i do come back and read over my own blogs to remind myself of my own growth and my own lessons. When i have a rough day i read over your responses and sometimes it brings a tear to my eye. You guys are a big part of my growth as a person and i thank u all so much.

10.EVERYTHING: Everything that is everything going on in my life that didn't get a personal mention. Some things are just more special than others but i am very grateful for what life has offered me in the past 5 months. Maybe in future blogs i will be more specific or maybe just move on from here. I have learned to let go of the past lately and it feels GREAT.

WOW so my first blog in 5 months and it feels good..A good reminder of why i started it. If i don't have to bring work home tomorrow i will be writing another one lolol.. HASTA LUEGO MUNDO TE AMO !!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Starting aNEW.....


Today is Saturday July 18th and i have disrespected myself to the ultimate point in life lol. The last time i wrote one of these things was back in may i think : / i think , im not even sure witch makes me feel horrible about the motivation battery i have within myself. But instead of talking of the negative lets talk about the positive, witch is what brings me back to my journey of transformation.

Before this past weekend i used the excuses of "no time, being tired, overwhelmed,not feeling good" whatever i can use, i would to excuse me not writing my daily blog. What i realized after this weekend was that i was just lost all over again. I lost the positive outlook and aura i had around me, the motivation. I pretty much lost it all. And looking back i honestly dont see where i lost it, but i know exactly what i have to do to get it back and keep it. In the time between the last blog and this one a black cloud came over me, sent by me by the way. (I am my worst enemy)

I honestly started to get this trapped feeling. My daily routine was making me feel like i would never be able to change it. I allowed the negativity around me in every situation i was in, sink into my skin again. And the worst of it was i stopped believing in myself, i stoped motivating myself, i stoped thinking positive about me. And that might seem like really, all that Ash? lol and i have to say yes i did. The reason i started this process was to make myself better mentally. So it is that easy for me to fall back into a very dark trap. The main thing was that i lost Focus. I started doing to much stuff that didnt mean anything to me or this transformation journey i am on. The first thing that started to dwindle away was my positive energy. I couldnt see the positive in things any more. I know it sounds horrible but i let the negativity in my house, the negativity of some of the people around me get to me really badly. I let the things in my life that werent going my way seem like the end of the world. I started to think wayyyyyy to much. And that something that i realized in these past weeks that i do way to much. Yes thinking and exorcising the brain is great but the way i was doing it was horrible. Instead of thinking of why the sky is blue or about the solar system, I'm thinking about omg what if i cross the street and get hit by a car or about meeting the man of my dreams and he hurts me even before i have even met the man. Like my negativity was taking over my silent thoughts and eating away at my mind, spirit and soul. As a good friend told me when i explained this, i sound traumatized or afraid to live. What the hell am i afraid of ? This way of thinking took alot away from the amount of Belief i have in myself, my confidence, my strength.

A HUGEEEEE problem on top of not being able to keep the positive thoughts alive within myself is the fact that i have a huge problem controlling my thoughts. I think WAYYYY TOO MUCH. I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. I THINK THE NEGATIVE BEFORE IT CAN EVEN HAPPEN. I THINK ABOUT THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE. And i put this in caps so that you can understand how seriously annoying this is. Its almost like i cant control what my mind wants to think about. I can be in a crowd, alone whatever my mind is eating away at my feelings , my heart.

Now last weekend i went to Panama with a very good friend and some friends for a birthday celebration. Now that trip was everything i needed and then some. Although i was one of only 2 girls with like 18 "brothers" lol i had an amazing time for one particular reason. And to be completely honest it wasnt because of the beach, the open bars, the banana boat i LOVED, the parties or the beautiful tan im walking around with now. It was because of the facts that 1) my phone wasnt on the whole time and i felt GREAT, 2) everyone on the trip was a POSITIVE person (even Pete lol) and 3) I didnt over THINK ! ! . And didnt even realize all this till i got to Texas on my connecting flight and my bag was lost. And if anyone knows me they would know that i would lose all the lil bit of patience i had left when that happened. But i didnt i walked away for a second..breathed deeply once or twice..came back over and said well there is nothing i can do. I prob didnt sound to happy sayin that but i meant it and i felt ok in my heart. Waiting for the next flight everybody kept losing. Someone lost their bank card, our flight was delayed , someone else lost there luggage. Basically everybody on the trip was losing by the minute lol. Then other lady on the trip said to me " this is just god testing us". And its been a whole week and i remember her saying that. Im not very religious but watch she said smacked me. It made me want to challenge whatever that was testing me. Made me want to really work on keeping all the positive that i gained during the trip.

Its been a week and i can really say that i have bee doing well, not great but well. Things dont happen over night and after a whole 2 months without writing and believing in myself, its going to take a lil while till i get 100% back on track. But im on my way. I went back and read some of my old blogs and it made me feel good, gave me the motivation i needed to get back there to that happy place. Today and yesterday i cant lie i woke up THINKING and FRUSTRATED but had some help getting over those feelings.

to ME:
Ashley you are the strongest person you know by far. There isnt anything thats come your way that you havent handled and moved on..So whatever is in your way now shouldnt be stopping you. Remember how many positive people you can call on to share there energy with you and bring you out of those moods and thinking spells you get into.Learn to let go of the past. Your still on this journey no matter how many breaks you take in between you are still growing and on your way. Amazing on your way to Phenomenal..remember that.. i love you ... (be happy you just got your IPHONE 3GS lol)

to keinanna:
thanx... : )

Streetz:
thanx...the heart dosnt think (thats a another blog for another day lol..but its helping me more than i thought it would)

pic
me and my nephew (he always makes me laugh) lol

Thanx for listening world...MUCHO MUCHO love....Hasta luego...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

How people are built? What is your purpose in life?


So today is Tuesday May 12th, 2009. And as shambled as they have me at work and as shambled as i have myself trying to edit my mini documentary i really feel the need to blog today about something...

Last night i met up with a friend of a friend for a favor. A favor that was more like a wake up call for me. So I'm doing this mini documentary for an independent research i have been doing with my used to be major advisor in college. I wanted to be creative and do something different so i said instead of a freaking book on teen pregnancy i want to do a lil documentary. I mean half of my high school graduating class has kids right now. But for the past few weeks i couldn't get a single chick to sit down for an hour and talk on camera. Everybody was so wishy washy. So thank god Jadine (friend of a friend) was able to do it. And i have met her before and have heard alot about her from my friends Angel and Inez, but of course you don't know everything till you actually sit down with a person. So we start filming and shes answering my questions and what not and as she continues my eyes start to swell up and she cries and keeps going. Her story is amazing. I mean when u hear it, you might be shocked but the fact that she is where she is now is unbelievable. Jading had her son when she was 16 or 17 after she had run away from home because her mom and home life was extremely abusive. She then proceeded to graduate valedictorian of her high school class and continued her education and has become a medical assistant all with her son who is now 4. And let me tell you when that this girl had nothing...i mean nothing and no one. Mother was extremely abusive and didn't help her not once. She worked to pay baby sitters and that's it. She slept in shelters with her son crying that he was cold. Like it has been a rough road for her and she sat in front of me so extremely proud of herself and wanting to do this documentary to make a difference.

She said one thing that inspired this blog and made me reflect again on where i am in my life. She said "it all depends on how you were built, some people can just take it and others just aren't built strong enough". That statement brought tears to my eyes. For her it was about her and her sister. They both endured the same amount of sexual and physical abuse but she took initiative and said no more. Her sister wasn't mentally capable and turned out a very different person.

For me i thought about myself and my situation. Before number 2 there were things in my life that i couldn't understand why they happened to me or why i had to endure them for so long. I even blamed myself for those things. There were times where i really really just layed in my bed and cried and secretly talked to myself (and whatever energy out there listened) and said whyyyyy...like wtf did i do wrong?

For a long time it seemed to be like a punishment from god or whatever. But not up until the last couple of years did i start realizing the reason. One day ill write a blog about the specific things I'm talking about, but for now ill just say "those things". Those things happening to anyone else would of brought there world down and took over there life. For me its made me extremely strong, so strong that i underestimate how strong i really am. I was built stronger than others and because of that i am built to make a difference. This blog of mine has mad a difference in some peoples lives, my job makes a difference in some children's life, the major i chose was teaching me how to make and understand the difference.

I was watching doctor Oz on Oprah and he was talking about living longer lives. One key thing to living longer was having a purpose to waking up and living everyday in the world. Knowing your purpose gave you a reason and positive energy everyday of your life. And honestly this morning it did make me feel good knowing that i was built strong to endure and learn from experiences and take those lessons and help others. My purpose in life is to make a difference in the life's of those who cant see the strength within themselves...how are you built and whats your purpose in life?

Whats your purpose out there??

Laterzzz Mundo...

P.S
Where the hell is FRIDAY !?!?

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mis Amigos...


Monday May 11th, 2009..oh man am i tired...very adventurous weekend for me and the reason why i am dead beat now...And yet again Ive fallen behind on the bloggin..forgive me people and i need to forgive myself lol. Ive been dead beat all last week. I try to live it up on the weekends and then that leaves me dead beat all over again ! !

I'm gonna need for Helen Keller international to stop asking me for things that take weeks the week they are due ! ! Lol gosh, they are stressing me and my boss out ! !

N e way being that my mind is in a thousand places i really haven't been able to keep up with my blog : (..... But this weekend helped me come to the topic at hand that i would like to blog about today..

FRIENDSHIP... And i know I've discussed that before but after a few events this weekend it allowed for my mind to go back and reflect and come up with some new things to say about it. Any who im just gonna go ...

If your a reader of my blog you will know that my selected group of friends are one of the most important things in my life...selected i say because i don't have many an the ones i have are very dear to my heart. So any who Friday after work i went to happy hour with my one of my sisters (the non-preggers one lol). After a couple of hours my high school friend Lynesse joined us. I have 3 girls from high school that i still communicate with and she is one of them. And we have some CRAZY high school memories, been thru alot all that. We don't speak everyday but when we come together its like we spoke 5 min ago. Nothing changes at all...its one of the most genuine friendships i have. And right now she is going thru one of the toughest times of her life. Her mom had a stroke than a brain aneurysm..it has left her almost like a vegetable. Because of the grace of god she is recovering and is in rehab now. Now lynnese comes to happy hour and mind you i haven't seen her since before this happened. She has lost all the wait in the world and looks beat. And i of course didn't know what to say but just "just drink up". I didn't want to bring it up n e more. But she stepped out to used the phone and it was taking her forever to come back. When i go outside shes sitting on a stoop crying. Now i have been friends with lynnese for 81/2 years and she has never shed a tear, not even at corny graduation. She was breaking down in front of my eyes. Crying telling me how it feels and asking me what next Ashley? And i had no answer because i did know. She was telling me that was the first time she cried since it happened. I couldn't help myself but to cry with her and yell at her saying to not ever again hold something like this is...to know that i was there for anything whenever...our night came to an end and i went home with her and kissed her on the forehead as she slept and went home.

Then Saturday it was my sisters baby shower. And my amazing friend Ayanna came. She was home bored so i said why not come and be entertained by my family lmaoo. Anyway there was a moment where i was introducing her to an uncle of mine and i said this is one of my best friends.. And she looked at me and said aww i didn't know that lol and i laughed lmaoooo. I never had like a bff when i was younger and i always thought that was like a kid thing to say but for me her and Sonia its like what it is. I'm pretty sure we have been thru the works with our friendships. They prob know me better than i know myself. We have cried together, fought together, argued and not spoken and sailed the black sea (insider) and so on...i couldn't have asked for more when those 2 come up.

Saturday night me and my brother went on a little adventure to New Paltz. And there i have my lil group of 6 friends that were my backbone during what i consider to be one of the hardest times of my little 22 years. Beautiful drunken night ended in a full blown argument, tears and insults. All in the name of alcohol. We were upset at each other, drunk and over reacted. The next day we all sat in a room and talked it out. That might seem like regular stuff to you but for me talking was harder than anything in the world. It took Jermz to get me to talk to Mike after one of the craziest things ever. I almost lost a good friend so this lil conversation in the room is like amazing to me. We sat there and got our points out and moved on... i loved it. I loved them for it and love them to death now..

Those are my friends ! ! Well with the exception of Mike ,Omar, Mak and Jermz who i don't even want to even go into our story lol and i don't think they want me to either..these are my friends. This weekend was like so key to reminding me of all my circles of friends and what we have been thru and why they mean soo much to me. Clearly for my 22 years there aren't many but they are sooo full of the qualities i lack...i love them dearly and i hope they understand that they are a huge part of my life and wouldn't trade our memories and experiences together for anything in the world. They are my blessings and hope that everyone is as lucky as me to have people like the ones i have in my life...

Just wanted to share that with them and the world..
i love u guys...

Hasta luego World....

P A N A M A TATTOOS ! !

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

GO OUT AND GET TESTED ! !


Hey Young World lol, Hoy es Tuesday May 5th, 2009. Cinco de MAYOOOOO ! ! WOOOOHOOOO...I honestly don't know why everyone is super excited lol. I took 5 shots of tequila earlier on the low..lol just to feel apart of the excitement but its worn off. Any who so ok i slacked again, but they give me a break it was the weekend. I never really was good at keeping up with weekend post lol. N e who I'm a lil upset right now so maybe i can start with that and then move on to my very fun and interesting weekend.

So right now a friend of mine...a good close one...just spazzed on me for not understanding there " way of thinking". And im not going to go into detail at all about the subject cuz then we really wont be friends lol...but it really frustrates me when you are really trying your hardest to understand someone and when you don't completely get it they wanna kill you for it. Mind you this persons way of thinking is so far from every way you (well me) knows. Like i cant compare it to n e other way of thinking because i never heard of any like it. So getting to understand it is even more difficult than usual. LIKE I'M TRYING DAMMIT..AND I KNOW YOUR READING THIS SO KNOW THAT I'M FREAKING TRYING JERK !! ughh sorry just venting i had to get that out there.... lol ok back to my weekend...

N e who so i spent the weekend with the bff Son-boogs. We had a blast Friday lolol downtown and sat went to her job for a free health fair. Since i graduated they snatched me off my fathers health insurance so fast lol it wasn't even funny. So i def went and got every service provided. They def had a woman there giving free HIV test and i just want to publicly announce that i am NEGATIVO again lol. Every time i take one it feels so good so i like to announce it lol. There were so many teens and people there and the lady was just sitting there with nothing to do. Everybody should of been getting tested but people were walking right past her. And i want to say that she was an awesome lady. She gave her lil speech and made you sign whatever papers and really was so genuine about her job. She made you feel very comfortable and ok with the test. I totally forgot her name but she was the best.

Anyway it just amazed me the amount of people NOT taking the test. It was free quick and confidential and you got your results right there, like with all the diseases going around in the world why wouldn't you want to be sure of your status as far as that one. IDK it just kinda made me a lil sick, in adults really. Being sexually active is a big responsibility and i can understand that kids now a days don't see it that way and make alot of mistakes, as adults we need to be better examples and really teach and show them some better morals and practices of it. I mean cmon there gonna do it n e way so we might as well show them how to keep it clean and funky free lol. This lady basically sat there the whole day and me and Sonia were the only 2 people she tested and she was about to leave when we got there. It was kinda sad to me because we were at an after school program sight, so i know alot of parents got the memo about it and it was posted all over the neighborhood and we were in the Bronx. Everybody should of been in there getting tested. Even with a positive result people are living.

I think the idea of HIV being a monstrous disease really scares the non educated minorities to being afraid of it. But cancer can do the same thing it does to your immune system. Like where manipulated to be so afraid of it, we don't even want to know if we have it or not. As a people we have to be alot smarter because its killing us off..

This is the website to the foundation the woman was working for... they over many services to people who are positive and even if your not they have alot of services you can use to just stay educated and healthy... http://www.basnyc.org/...... There called Bronx Aids Services...

But yea seriously if your reading this really think about that and go get tested..it feels good to know your status ! ! And not just for that but for everything, being healthy in every way feels so good...

Just wanted to share that today...besides that my weekend was full of drunken fun as usual lolol...

Laterzzz world...go out and get tested...

Friday, May 1, 2009

How do you heal your heart ??


Hey hey so day 2 of keeping my promise lol. Today is Friday May 1st, 2009. And it feels damn good to be writing and thinking with a clear mind again. I guess i really did have to pull back from the disrespect and refocus my attention on my self lol. Any who in conversation with someone, we discussed the process of me feeling all together better and growing. They said to me that i have to heal my heart before i can feel completely better. I really thought about it and they couldn't be more right.

I have evaluated and reevaluated the things in my life that have effected me as a person and have slowly tried to release and let them go. Even with that being done my heart is still the same. You would think it would be lighter being that i let so much go, but it hasn't gotten lighter. It hasn't gotten darker either it just is. Every hole that was made, every crack created still exist. I have spent more time getting my mental in a better state that i didn't realize that my heart is still in the same place. It starting making sense to why i still got that feeling in my chest when certain things were brought up,thought about or i saw certain people. I have to heal my heart. Mentally things are gone but that deep feeling inside isn't. Now my big question for today is how do you heal your heart?

My heart is damaged by many things but ill use the last crack in it as an example. Also because its probably one of the things that hurt me the most. So number 2 got a girl who lived downstairs from me in my door and who talked me me before this pregnant. She had an abortion and a miscarriage, so yea she was pregnant twice. After everything that transpired between us that gave me a diff feeling and still does today. Me and him aren't friends right now and prob wont ever be but i have managed to let everything else go. But that issue lingers and not really in my mind but my heart. Maybe the only people who saw how deep that hurt were the people there when i found out. But. I honestly don't think they can even imagine what i felt. It broke me point blank and that feeling in my heart is still there. Like...i really cant even explain it...it was like being on the ground holding ya stomach cuz of pain and then getting kicked in the face.

How do u let that feeling on top of so many others go from your heart. And i say feelings because the ideas of them i let go, the photo in my head of that moment i have let go, the memory is almost gone, but the feelings still linger. How ?? Someone please tell me how?? Ive been positive, I've forgiven, I've moved on all the necessary to be healed and i cant get my heart to do the same. I want everyone who can and want to to respond with some ideas because this is affecting important and valuable relationships in my life. I have brought myself to believe that i wont be able to love things or any one again. I see myself pushing people who have good intentions away and its because of the state of my heart right now. I want help, like i dont know what else to do to fix whats going on inside my chest : /...

laterzz world

i hope to come back to some suggestions or just stories of your own experience that can help me with mine....

P A N A M A ! ! (thats for you mike lol)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Deep Breathe: IM BACKKKK ! !


WOW HELLO BLOGGER TODAY IS THURSDAY APRIL 30TH, 2009.Ok so this is LONG and WAYYYY over due. I don't even want to look at the last date i wrote a blog. I'm actually very disappointed in myself for forgetting the original purpose of it and letting myself do exactly what i mentioned in the beginning, i know i would do. I had gotten to a place where i thought i healed a good amount ( and believe me i did) but it wasn't a complete process.

I let the stresses of my new job and what i thought was my new found healed self de-rail me from my good track of healing. At work they exhausted me with cases from 2006 and 7 when were in 2009. Also with going on site to see 68 kids a day, and believe me don't get me wrong the i am EXTREMELY grateful to have a job but i think it was the reality of the everyday routine that assisted in depressing me. I love what i do and have no regrets doing it but it got to me. The desk the papers everything. I know i wont be at this same job forever but it just was like ugh what is this. Then that idea lead to me needing a break and a reminder of the fantasy life. I took almost a month away from my blog to hang with my friends. I went to my almamauter and "lost my respect" as my friends and I say. And that felt amazing but every sunday i came back to the reality of my situation, real life. And here i started to realize again how unhealed i really am. How taking this break from my helpful blogging set me back so much from the positive place i was. I feel like i let myself down so much as well as the people who looked for new blogs everyday....I'm sorry to you out there and I'm sorry to you Ashley ( yea I'm talking to myself so what).

Now this next paragraph is to myself. I find it very helpful to talk to myself, its like I'm my own trainer, hype man, whatever it might seem crazy but it helps me and make sense to me. Ok so here i go:
Ashley Ashley Ashley lol what have we done now! ! Don't be sad,depressed angry just really get focused again and don't allow yourself to dwell in those feelings. I know you worked hard to get to where u did, so your just gonna have to work ever harder now to get back there. Its a process of humbling yourself and realization. Bring your head back down to the ground and realize what it is you need to work on and work. You have done everything else on your own so you can do this on your own. Please just refocus, make some new goals and begin. Life is only has hard as you make it for yourself. Be productive and try to find that positive spirit within you again. Once you find the positive the good will follow. Always remember i love you and will never let you fall..its me and you..

I know that probably sounds or looks nuts but it helps me...NO JUDGING on this blog ! !

I would love to try and recap whats been going on in my life during the missing blogs but its been sooooooooooo much. Bad and good and i cant remember it all. As i said i have been a lil stressed at work and have been having the time of my life with my WE HERE crew of friends. Oh i am completely booked for my trip to panama in July ! ! And i sooo cant wait. I applied for a job in a high school working with teenagers and actually got a call back, I'm waiting for there interview schedule so i can pick a time to go in and strut my stuff lol. I'm really excited about that.

I guess i can discuss what brought me back to the blog. I was getting this feeling of not knowing myself again. I don't know if that is understandable to you guys out there but i guess ill try to explain. For me this blog was for me to understand myself and heal myself. Find a positive place and outlet and allow myself to grow thru it. And in the past month that i missed out on this blog i found myself becoming as introverted as i was when i first started this blog. I saw and felt the pains of the past affecting me again in my everyday life and it disgusted me and i didn't like it. I guess i can say that i have grown enuff to realize that they are affecting me again but i didn't grow enough to not let it affect me, so I'm back and I'm so sad i left. Writing is the easiest way for me to put myself back in a positive place and Ive been hiding from it. No more hiding because i need some positivity in my life.

In the past month my transformation and growth has come to a complete stop. I let myself down and gave up on myself pretty. I thought i was good when i wasn't. This weekend i want to really focus on making some goals for myself and getting on the transformation track again. I know I'm worth it and i deserve it so i must do it....

laterzzz mundo ( and i do mean soon later like tomorrow because i will smack myself if i miss a day now)

IMM BACKKKKK ! !

Monday, March 23, 2009

Scattered Thoughts


Well I'm really tired right now but for some reason i have the urge to write. So i will. Today is March 23, 2009. Today i was grateful for the blog i wrote yesterday. It kinda helped me get back on a certain track and also help some people i know (Well from what they told me lol).

This morning i was super excited because i started the case manager portion of my job. Although they smacked me in the face with cases all the way from December : /, i was super excited because this is my life's work. This is a great step into what i want to do for some time in my life. Although its for Helen Keller so that means its about there eyes and ears, one day it will be about there home life, their reason to why there missing school, why are they fighting..etc. I'm just happy to have this opportunity to get my feet wet. I have my own desk, phone line extension lol, computer, email lol it made me feel a certain lol. I was excited for the most part, but like i said the girl who bounced definitely let me with a handful.

Today i also was reminded of the idea that you cant help people unless they want help. I have been through a lot and because of that, there are certain things that i will not tolerate to see others go through. Like it gets under my skin, for example the blog yesterday. I wrote that because someone close to me is living for everybody and not themselves. Now today i realized with that same person that sometimes you cant lend out a helping hand if they don't want to grab it. Yes sometimes people are scared, comfortable in there situations and they dont want it to change. But then sometimes they are crying out for help and want it to change. But how do you know if they dont clearly say "i need help" ? Who are you to make that decision? I felt like that today fr a little while, like maybe i over stepped my boundries, but then again i felt like i will not allow people around me to be in unhealthy situations. If they wont let me do it, i wont let them do it. I dont know...it just made me so sick today. I started to think of the feeling i had when i was doing what they were doing, and how i knew i wasnt happy. I denied help during that time too, i acted like it was kool..but it wasnt and i was soo grateful that the people around me didnt give up. So i wont give up either....

And did anyone ever watch Degrassi? Remember Jimmy, the token black kid that got shot and is in a wheel chair (on the show). That kid is a rapper lmaooo. Like since when, I'm super late lmao my lil brother put me on. And you know he sounds actually almost good lol. So far gone is the name of his mix tape lol and i actually like it. Just wanted to share that because it made me laugh today lolololol...like who the hell does he think he is lmaooo

Anyway my eyes are drying out on me and i have to be up at seven..

laterzzz mundo

Sunday, March 22, 2009

March to Gratitude

Sunday March 22, 2009
I am grateful for the ability to know my worth and live for me ! !

LIVE FOR YOURSELF ! !


Another blog for Sunday March 22, 2009. I woke up at the crack since i slept all night and I'm kind of used to it now. Guess what today there isn't any water ! ! lol like what the hell. Any way as i was writing the previous blog and was interrupted by someone. We just had a 2 and a half hour conversation that has left me a lil... ok alot pissed of lol. I am not going to say anything about our conversation, like what exactly we were talking about but i will say why i am pissed. I CANT STAND WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T LIVING FOR THEMSELVES. Now let me explain... lets start with a simple example: you want to wear the red dress but your friend sally doesn't like red or the dress so you decided not to wear it even tho you like it and you bought it for yourself as a treat. Who the fuck is sally? Ok a more serious example: You have always had some type of weird feelings about the same sex but wont say anything to anyone because your afraid. Someone who "cares about you" finds out your secret and calls you a faggot. And you feel like you let them down...WTF how does that make sense?

Anyway i bring those examples to show how someone might not be living for themselves. They base their actions and reactions on the people who "care about them", but never base them on the one person who matters. I do believe you should always think about the people who are there for you, but sometimes they don't have your best interest at heart and don't know your heart the way you do. The one and only person who matters at the end of the day is you. Sometimes we don't make the best decisions for ourselves and the people who "care" are supposed to be there to help you pick up the pieces but not there to pick those pieces out for you. You are supposed to do that ! ! No one else! ! I really got soooo upset, to tears actually when i realized that this person lives for everybody except them self, trying to make everyone happy except themselves, doesn't feel that they deserve anything. I know exactly that feeling and it really hurt me to see them in that state of mind. I remembered how it felt to feel like you can never do something right, never satisfy the person you love, to feel like a fuck up. Its a horrible, trapped feeling and i wouldn't want anyone to live that way. For me to hear this persons story and hear them sound like there is nothing wrong killed me. To hear someone not know there own worth is heart breaking to me...Everyone deserves a chance to be better, everybody deserves to be them self. You are brought into this world alone and its your responsibility to keep you happy and healthy at all times. THE ONLY DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOURSELF THAT SHOULD MATTER IS THE ONE COMING FROM YOU ! ! NO ONE ELSE ! !I've discussed people judging others before. Family and people who care about you shouldn't judge you but they do constantly, and if you care more about what they think than what you know and feel you will never be you and never be completely happy. People who care for you should do exactly that care, not judge, but help you fix things when you fuck up, support you in anything you do or feel. Be there to talk, be there when there needed. But never should they make you feel hurt, pain or disgust in yourself. If someone ever says to you " I'm disappointed, or you let me down because of who you are or what you do. Think about it, think are you disappointed in yourself for doing it or being that way?, do you feel like you let yourself down? Those are the questions that matter when people speak to you that way about being who you are or what you do.

I get alot of slack for being the person i am sometimes. I am extremely out spoken and it can be taken for rudeness. I like to be real with myself and the people around me just so that there isn't a gray area or a gray friend. I don't need it or them around me. And let me tell you how hurtful it was to me to get questioned about my character, why i was the way i am, or just "told about myself". Or even be told," you know alot of people don't like you". That shit was like a stab every time somebody said it. And i really spent alot of time within myself thinking why? what? who? how? I have always listened and even sometimes tried a lil to change me. And honestly there where edges that needed to be rounded out and i worked on them, but at the end of the day i am still me. Out spoken, intimidating, strong, and fearless. The rudeness i am working to get rid of, thats just a example of the bitterness i used to have and im thankful that i learned that. But everything else is ME and i wouldn't change me for anyone. I am sooooo proud of the person i am and who i will become and never want to worry about what others feel about me or think. I tried alot to make others happy with me and i wasn't even happy with myself or what i was doing. With my parents i love them but at the end of the day, we lived different lives and of course i am grateful to have them and everything they have done for me but i have to be myself. My friends all ready know. They are there for a reason, they are true, genuine and amazing people. Although there might not be many of them but the ones i have are full of phenomenal qualities that i lack within myself. Everyone who "doesn't like me" can do just that and miss out on something phenomenal...i don't need them i have enough.

In conjunction with living for yourself and making sure your happy is KNOWING YOUR WORTH ! ! I know for a fact this is something hard for people to realize but it needs to be done. It does take a while before someone realizes here are certain things they don't deserve, and for me it just smacked me in the face one day. So i cant even give like 10 step guide to it lol. I just felt it one day and my heart and said WTF I DESERVE BETTER! ! I guess when you look at all you've been thru and start considering yourself as you number one priority you find your worth.. No one who isn't completely happy with themselves should live thinking that they don't deserve better than what hey have or what there receiving..that should be considered a damn crime.

The pic at the top is of me of course but my tears as well. And i know I'm going to get asked why did i put that up. But i really just wanted to show the reality of my situation, my growth. I am me and i would never never never change what i have been thru, what i have experienced, WHO I AM FOR ANYONE ! ! I couldn't imagine ever going back to that state of mind and forgetting about putting me FIRST. Just that thought alone brings me to tears..No matter if its family,friends, work, spouses anything the most important opinion of yourself is yours, YOU. Your alone in your mind when your thinking, your alone in your heart when your feeling and at the end of the day your alone in that casket when you die. You should be the most important thing to you. Kat Williams said it best " Get in tuned with your star player" ! ! He's a comedian but that shit is real...

To You, you know who you are:
I hope one day you can wake up, open your eyes, smell the dam coffee ,what ever you have to do, do it.. to see how amazing you are and how much you deserve. I don't know if you will be mad when you read this post , but if you are then good get mad and see that this is you and you are soo much better than this. You are still young and have a long way to go in life, but i refuse to let you go on thinking the way you do. You are my friend and i take that serious. I will not have a friend be constantly stripped of her worth and happiness and not even know it, see it or feel it. I see it and its enough for me to get angry and do something about it....

NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF

ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF

ALWAYS PUT YOURSELF FIRST

LIVE FOR YOU AT ALL TIMES

Remember that NO ONE IS PERFECT and WE MAKE MISTAKES but NEVER REGRET just LIVE and remember your LESSONS LEARNED...


deep breath....

Laterzzzz world : )

End of the Week....


Hola blog world. So today is Sunday March 22, 2009. And let me tell you i am exhausted. And i feel horrible that i haven't been keeping up with my beloved blog. I really didn't realize how different my little job would make my everyday schedule lol. I am sooo proud and grateful to be working and have completed my first week of work as a graduate lol but geeeze. 2 weeks ago i was a bum at home for 2 months blogging and sleeping and eating lol. This week that just passed i had to wake up at 6 everyday lol, and somebody might be reading this saying "oh please i always wake up at 6, Ive been doing it for so and so amount of years" whatever. I have spent the last 2 months being an in house hobo lol. Like i soo was not used to waking up in the morning, so being up that early has left me so exhausted. So exhausted that last night was Saturday and where was i? Home ! ! i stood home lol. And mind you , i had plans set up, but i was soooo tired i decided to stay in. For people who know me well, that's a miracle. Even for the parental units it was out of the normal for me lol, they asked me if i was ok lol. Oh man crazy guys, but i definitely am extremely grateful for that job and the people who i work with.

On Friday i continued learning more about my co-workers by just being open minded and non judgmental. Making that pledge to myself about not judging people was the best thing i have ever done. I've walked in to this new journey i call my job with an open mind and heart and have been able to meet some cool new people with their own very colorful stories. Some one i know has this saying, that "behind every heartbeat there is a story",hopefully i got it right lol , but yea its something like that. And that has rang so true for the people at my job. I know everybody in the world has stories for days about something they have been thru or going through. Believe me i know, my friends are prime examples of that. If you look at our pics on face book, we look like the fun party animals but after reading a book i wrote about them you wouldn't even believe some of the stuff they deal with and still keep smiles on their face. (I'll post my writing of them soon). Any way let me get back on track. On Friday i got in a little early and sat with my boss Tonya. After a while 2 other co- workers were there and we got into the conversation of food and nutrition and what not. Next thing you know my boss is telling us about her diet and why and in 2005 (which was only 4 years ago) she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And if you look at Tonya she looks like a very healthy black woman. Very thick in certain areas, firm and always energetic. You would never think she was a breast cancer survivor at all. Anyway she kept going on about her ordeal with breast cancer, the kemo, the surgeries, the appointments etc. Then she explained that she went in to talk about getting reconstructive surgery on her breast and they found another cancer in her abdomen. A totally new one separate from the breast cancer she just beat, called Gist cancer. I really was in complete shock, like my jaw dropped as she spoke to us. I couldn't believe that shit (excuse my french), i just couldn't. I didn't even believe the breast cancer thing and then on top of that Gist cancer, i never heard of that cancer before. Only 2,000 to 3,000 people a year get diagnosed with that cancer, that's how rare it is. And she was diagnosed with it after just getting over breast cancer. Tonya spoke with so much strength, she told us this story like it was nothing. Her voice didn't quiver at all, she wasn't sad, scared anything you would think a 2 time recent survivor would act. I'm laying here writing about her story and I'm getting a lil chocked up and she didn't get that way. In a 4 years span she had 2 different cancers and she was sitting with us as healthy as possible telling us the story. At the end she was saying that we didn't even understand how grateful she was for every waking moment in her life. And you know what, no one cant argue about the another persons level of being grateful. I wouldn't even dare because behind every heart beat there is a story and you would never know until someone tells you. At the end of her story she was laughing and said "I'm so grateful its Friday and not because the weekend is here but because i can be here to witness another Friday go by". And i was just AMAZED at her poise and strength this whole time. Since she interviewed me i always felt she was such a good person and cool and down to earth and i finally realized why. Friday March 20, 2009 and i was grateful for Friday....and not because of the weekend but because of what Tonya said. I was HERE and able to see another Friday go be...i hope people see and feel who strong that statement is and start taking life and living a little more seriously...

That Friday night i met up with Angie and friends and went out for drinks. I haven't seen Angie since graduation and seeing her was good. We caught up on life and it felt good. Its good taking time away from people...it leaves you with something to talk about lol. After drinks we went to KATRA and low and behold we bump in to Ray, running after his Ex-girlfriend lmaooo. That's a whole other blog within itself lol. Saturday as i said in the begining i spent the whole day at home for 2 reasons. one because i was exhausted and 2 because there was NO HOT WATER ! ! My parents are struggling to pay rent thats 2,650 and some change and there is no hot water like WTF ! ! Saturday March 21,2009 i was grateful for the roof over my head..even tho there wasnt any water lol...

and now im home on sunday layin in bed writing to you...whoever you are....




laterz world

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Natasha Richardson/ Kityy: LETS WAKE UP PEOPLE

OK i just wanted wake everybody up real quick. I know everyone has seen the news about the actress who just died after falling whiling skiing. She fell hit her head and walked away feeling fine.In the next few hours she was in the hospital and then the next day brain dead. One of my best friends from highschool, lynnese. Her mom said she had a headache then an hour later they were in the hospital with her. She had a stroke, anurism and was also brain dead. They even told her and her sister that there was nothing they can do for her and they had to make a decision. They kept her on and she is now a lil better and slowly responding to things. This happened in the last 2 weeks. I hope these are 2 good examples of how SHORT life is.

Stop taking life or anything or anyone for granted...like for real this shit is no joke ! ! You might have someone you love standing next to you one minute and in the next 15 they can be lifeless and your there regreting something you did or didnt do. Learn to live, learn to let go and take chances. If you dont you are early stunting your own growth. Life isnt promised at all and i know this is something we mention everyday and we hear everyday...but for me its came to close with my friend. I know her moms like i call her kat..and Nessey is my love. To hear you tell me the story hurt me like it was my own mom. And again i was smacked with reality and just wanted to smack everyone else with it. Its real people, face it and learn to live, love and laugh with everything in your heart.....

xoxo

Milli/ noticing change...


Hola Mundo, Hoy es Thursday 19th, 2009. First and foremost HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGIE ! ! Angie is or was,my roommate from my college years and today its her birthday so i wanted to shout her out lol.

Any who again last night i missed a blog : ( . I am so sorry to whoever reads and sorry to myself. I honestly was super exhausted after MY FIRST DAY OF WORK ! ! So let me start with that lol. I had to be at Hunts Point Head Start at 8:00 in the morning. SUPER EARLY, i know. And being jobless for 2 months has lead to me sleeping late and going to bed late so that was like WHOA for me lol. I was exhausted. And i had to work with 52 kids between the ages of 3 and 6. Making sure they got vision screening test, saw the doctor, figure out if they were going to be referred for a second appointment and if they are fill out the paper work, speak to parents..the list goes on. This kids were the cutest kids in the world. Some of them didnt even speak English, but i have to say they put the biggest smiles on my face. They were so honest, sweet and innocent and i loved it. But it definitely drained me...i got home and just wanted to sleep but i promised a friend that i would visit them and didnt get back home till like 10. By that time i was pulling myself down the block to my building and home. I guess i know what it feels like to work and you know what i am not complaining hunny ! ! I quickly remember those days i was almost in tears because i didnt have a job and it reminds me to be grateful for that and that exactly what i was grateful for yesterday ! ! Grateful for my current job and beautiful days i have ahead of me with the different children i meet everyday.

Well today again i had to be at work at 8:30 but this time downtown in the L.E.S. And it was a very short day. Started rough since there first language was Chinese, but as the day went on it got easier. Since me and my co-workers were done early my boss took us out to lunch. Here is where the blogs name comes into play....

I know for a fact before i wasnt a very social person at all. You either had to be my friend already somehow or introduced to me and me actually like you for us to speak. This carried into work and school, like group work i would do my part and bounce. And before i was never really friendly with co-workers, especially if i wasnt working next to you all day. So at lunch i saw a NEW ME ! ! I was in conversation with people i just met the day before, and even tho that might sound like "umm why wouldnt you speak to them", for me its like amazing. I dont speak to people unless i have to , i always have carried a nasty attitude and just like a wall up for no reason, immediately thinking that me and the person have nothing in common. Today i saw and also yesterday as well, i just saw a brighter, lighter, loosened up me. I was introduced to someone yesterday and instead of trying to test them i just talked to them and tried to see them for who they are. Today i just listened to my co-workers, laughed, talked and chilled and i was like whoa who am i lolol. I really really walked away from lunch being so proud of ME. I felt so good to not be so insecure that i couldnt hold a normal conversation.

Well on to Milli...Milli is a co-worker of mine. When i met her i didnt judge at all since this is something new im doing. I just spoke to her and today we rode the train together home. She had mentioned at lunch that she had a son. So on the train just to start convo i asked about him, that lead to an amazing convo. Milli is older than me (not gonna shout her age out lol), she has an 8 year old who has a disability, lives in the pjs alone with him, goes to school at night and is working with me. She wakes up at 5 to put him on the on the school bus by 7 and then off to meet me at work by 8 or 8:30. She explained to me her regular day , explained to me when she moved out her house at the age of 19, when she lived in Connecticut. Like she wrote a book for me about her life, and i must say it was a good one. This woman said to me that she looks at herself now and see's so much growth from where she was in her life before, she said "i can easily be on public assistance, but i refuse to give my son that example". Like i didn't want her to get off the train. She really was teaching so much in a simple 15 min conversation. I was thinking about everything i learned about myself in the past months and everything i was hearing from her and i just took a deep breathe when she got off the train. I really really felt so good, blessed, highly favored whatever lolol. I was so happy to have given myself the chance to change and be better for me. Happy that I'm not wasting time and energy on anger and just really living life. I have to constantly be honest with myself know a days to stay on this track and I'm just to grateful to be on it.

This morning i got to the train station and forgot my 25 dollar unlimited. So i had to spend another 4 bucks for another metro card for the day. When I'm telling you i lost it for a second, i freaking lost it. I said FUCK ME ! ! sooo loud, people rushing for the train looked back at me. I ran and luckily got the train and i was soooo angry and you wanna know what i did? I sat down and was like OK Ashley what to you have to be grateful for? And i know it might seem unbelievable but i did it. I really thought about how grateful i was to have the 4 dollars to even purchase a new card because some people don't have that. I thought about fact that i even had a job to go to this morning because alot of people don't have that. And while i was doing that my heart beat slowed down and the frown turned upside down.

When i am saying i have changed hunny.....i am changing and it feels amazing like it really does. I feel light and bright as all hell and i love it.

I am completely exhausted so I'm going to take a nap but if i have thoughts for later I'll get to typing...

March 19th Grateful for change...

laterzzz