Friday, February 27, 2009
Heyyyy there, today is Friday Feb 27, 2009. FRRRIIIIIIDAAAYYYYYYYY ! ! LOL Not that I'm going to be doing anything crazy today. I am broke and not joking about it lol. But actually I'm going to spend time with my special G3 girlie's, working on those friendship skills i spoke about earlier this week. Today's blog is going to be pretty short. It's Friday and i don't wanna keep you all here for too long. And after yesterdays blog i just wanna keep it simple. Yesterdays blog took soo much out of me. It was amazing for reflection and retrospect and I'm so glad i wrote about that for me and for everyone who read and responded.
Now for today i want to write about a chance i took today. Although its only been a weeks since i started this blog but its been a real eye opener for so many reasons. Today i applied to a International fellows program. Its with a non profit org called International Foundation for Education and Self. They are a non profit that does alot of Humanitarian work in Africa. The program i applied to basically takes recent college graduates to Africa for 9months to work in small communities in Africa teaching in various areas such as education, public health, HIV/AIDS, English as a Second Language (ESL), agricultural development, proposal development, managerial training, feasibility studies, and small business enterprise development. Its sounds like an amazing opportunity to someone with no fears and sure of them self, and they would jump on it.......right?
Well for me maybe last year it would be something i would look at say "cool" and keep it moving. I have never been sure enough of myself to take such chances and not be afraid to just jump and leap. I always heard the saying " you only live once" but i never really understood it, i only took it for face value, it just sounds good. Well today it smacked me in my face and it felt good. I read the opportunity once and said how do i apply. I re-read what i wrote about myself and realized the amount of growth that I've done in the past three weeks with counseling and this blog. It's been less than a month but i feel free, free er than i have every felt before in my life. Being in the state that I'm in right now in my life (the no job thing, home all day) there is no more room for me to be idle. I am growing and learning about myself with every minute of the day, every blog, every session with the shrink lol... It feels sooo good to feel this clear in your mind and heart and letting the positivity guide you. I am so happy..
Any who i applied and sent it the stuff i had ready with all the positivity in my heart and cant wait to see what happens..
My lesson to me for this week is :
Life is about living and i have finally realized that and it feels amazing....
Justine: You said you always think and never speak....well stop it..Your probably one of the people i listen to the most. You give amazing advice and examples and you are wise beyond your years. I love you hunny..now speak up dammit ! ! lol
Ayanna: Its been a week in my journey and you started it with me...thank you...
When we walk down that red carpet we are going to look fabuloossssssssssssssssssssssss hunne!!
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 6:56 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hola Mundo lol, today is Thursday Feb 26,2009 and this is my third blog. Excitinggggg lol, im really proud of myself for keeping up with this daily. I usually slowly get tired of things but this feels so good i cant give it up just yet. I als0 want to quickly say thank you to who ever is reading and my wonderful friends for your responses. N e who so today my blog was inspired by the "View", the show with Whoopi and Barbara Walters on channel seven at eleven in the morning. i woke up and turned the t.v on and thats what they were giving so i just decided to watch it. They were discussing the whole Rihanna Chris Brown issue. Giving there opinions and what not like everyone has been doing and then Whoopi said something that sparked something in me and got me thinking all day. She spoke of positive and negative influences on young ladies and then she said " When you start to teach a young women to take care of herself then she will be independent and not be dependent on anyone but herself". She was saying this in regards to Rihanna and her family life; saying that she maybe didnt have a good positive example of a relationship or maybe someone in her family was in a domestic abuse relationship. This got me to thinking about the past relationships in my life and what not and the example i had growing up.
So the example i had was my mother and father. And before i start saying anymore i want to say that i love my parents for raising me and being there , feeding me , keeping me healthy and on the right track but all parents arent perfect. N e way back to the subject at hand. I thought about what example i saw in my parents. My parents from my earliest memory have been together, never married tho. My father played the Alpha male bread winner, the "MAN" of the house, umm yea that role. While my mother played the wife; feed the kids, get them to school, feed the man , clean the house etc. Basically a very 1950's idea of the nuclear family with the exception of the dog. But as i hope we all the know the nuclear family had its share of problems. In my house it was the fact that my mother always seemed very dependent on my father and honestly until this day i dont know for what. She always had her own job and money, i dont know why she never walked out. My father, i love him dont get me wrong, but he is in simplest terms... a womanizer (Britney said it best). My father was out every weekend, came home with hickeys, scratches the works. My mother talked shit about my father but no matter what she put him first and he did the same (except put her first) to her in front of me and my lil brother. The arguments were like world war 3 in my own home very often, my entire childhood into my teenage years. People always said to me and sometimes still do "omg your soo lucky to have both your parents" and i respond if you only knew. I believe sometimes it would of been better off having them separately, instead of having them pull the worst out of each other in front of my face. There was even a point where my father thru my mother out and of course she wasnt leaving us, so we had to go along with. So we went to my grandmothers and for a day i thought ok this is it until my father came apologized and we went right back into it. And on top of that they are very good actors, they put on wonderful acts and faces in front of people. I never said anything but as i got older i let out a couple of shut ups, be quiet, dont talk about my mother that way vise versa whatever. I think i was angrier at my mother for not just getting up and walking out. And since she always forgave or let things pass so did i, and i loved my father. Now this brings me to the relationships with males in my life and what whoopi said.
My mother was my example of a woman in a relationship. And today i really took a look into the two past relationships in my life. I dont want to use there names so ill say 1 and 2. The were very different situations but i was the same in both. With 1 i was never first to him, i was his partner instead. He had his own fam with kids before and i was just the girlfriend over on the side somewhere. When he needed me i was there but it wasnt the same when i needed him. When i needed something i got it but not when i needed him. I was settling for that until i was like fuck it and my life was put in danger (he was a street pharmacist lol). So he got on the back burner...
Now on to the infamous NUM 2..Now if your my friend and reading this you already know. And if your 2 you already know lol... Now while i think about it my relationship with 2, i see it is the exact same thing i saw as a child growing up with my parents. 2 and my relationship was one of the most emotionally draining relationship i have ever had with another human being in my life. I am only 22 but it took alot out of me and away from the person i am. We fought physically and verbally, we made up and made love passionately but it became a cycle. And for me it mentally broke me down from the person i was when i first entered the relationship. Num 2 played my fathers role and i played my mothers role. He cheated, he lied, and i cant play the innocent one (im not as silly as my mother was, i mean it is 2009). There was alot of verbal and mental abuse, and i took alot of it for a good amount of time. Enough time to change me as a person and really mentally break me down until i coudlnt recognize myself. Even with all this i fought for the relationship to work even when num 2 said we need to part ways for a while, like my mom does. And during this time i felt trapped, lost, un happy to the point of depression. I lost alot of confidence in myself, self esteem and just plain logic was gone. Although the relationship was horrible the friend i have in num 2 is amazing and one of my best friends. It was very hard for me to actually walk away feel confident enough in my self to to do so and actually realize how unhealthy i was to be in that situation. If it wasnt for my friends (and they know who they are) i would of lost my damn mind. I really started looking around at the people who were there for me and there examples of relationships, and although it took up till last week to walk away for myself, i finally did it. I looked at Justine, i looked at Ayanna, i looked at DeeDee and i looked at Kim. I saw strong strength and confidence and a whole bunch of things that i had in myself before. And i wanna make it clear that Num 2 didnt take those things away from me at all, i wasnt strong enough to keep them in me and let someone even dare to make me think that i didnt have those things within myself. I wasnt ready for that relationship or any at the time cuz i wasnt strong enough to keep me, who i was. Your not supposed to lose yourself in relationships, your always supposed to think about what do i want? what do i need? ask yourself what that person offers ,what are they giving? and do you even need it? When i realized these things i felt it in my heart and knew that it was time for me to get out the cycle for the both us, and to make ME better.
And i see all this stems from what i saw, everything i was dealing with was what i saw in my house while growing up. My mother fed the cycle like it was her baby, one of her kids. And if i didnt have the good, great people around me that i do i would of never saw a difference. If i didnt have num 2 i would never has seen this flaw and probably would of been in another cycle with another person. Examples are so important to children growing up and even older people. I'm just really grateful to have had the opportunity to share this examples with others, maybe giving them that push they needed to make the next move. I am so much stronger than i was and so much more amazing than i was..on my way to being phenomenal ! !
to num 2:
Thank you..i can never say that i hate you cuz you taught me sooo much about myself, even if in the way you did it was crazy. We did it and i learned and i will never make those same mistakes again not for n e one. You are my best friend and i know im yours and that will never change...
:::pooter face musty stank breath freak mouth jabawooke u too:::
Dont ever allow your self to feel trapped, or unhappy in a situation where your supposed to shine. You were one of the people i looks towards for examples and you've always given me good ones..now look at me. U have seen me at my worst lol. Love for another can so far , but the love you have for yourself is never ending... You are very independent and motivated and i know for a fact you can move on and feel free without a doubt.. This is only the begining of a new road and you know how to drive fast hunny..
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 6:12 PM
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Hey soo today Wed February 25, 2009 and it is day two of my blogger journey....i have actually been nervous all day trying to write today's blog in my head but the moment i starting to write i realized i am blogging for me not for anyone else. So this isn't like some entertainment for any one, but therapy for me.
Well my day started early, i had an interview down in Alphabet city. To quickly go over that, i think it went very well and i can only be positive about it and hope for the best lol. But to my topic, what sparked today's concept was my new pink ipod and a great memory. I was getting on the two train and every time I'm on the train i have to have my ipod, i cant go n e where on public transportation without it lol. Any who, i turned it on to shuffle and the first song was "Blame it in the Alcohol", which is Jamie Foxx's new single out now. The first thought that came to mind was a video that was showed to me by my friend Justine of my friends up at school bored and under the influence at school one night. They all had on shades and and were in a line and had created a stroll (for those who don't know, its basically people in a straight line dancing and moving forward, but its choreographed). Any way once i thought that i laughed out loud literally and caught the attention of a couple on the train. It was a good laugh too, one that put me in a great mood. Like i felt really good right in the middle of my chest at 9:30 in the morning, great way to start the day. I started to think about all the memories i have with my small circle of friends, all the songs that bring up memories. Another one is "Still in love" by Tyra B and every time i hear that i think of my g3 ladies and our long nights in green Listerine (my friend Sonia's truck).
All these memories and thoughts led me to thinking about how far I've come with the issue of friendship in my life. I have never really been very good at keeping up a good friendship. I've learned this over the years and really learned more in my recent shrink sessions. As a child i never had a good example of what a good friend was. My father was always working and if not he was out dancing his lil legs off to Salsa and my mother was just a boring mother at home. She really didn't allow us (me and my younger brother) to do the normal things kids did. No sleep overs, barely any birthday parties, no summer camps, no after school programs. It was almost like she was protecting us from the world, as well as herself. My mother didn't and still doesn't have any friends. I can remember one who's name was Sonia, who always reached out to her but she never returned her calls. So in my early years my social growth was put on a serious hold. The only time i had to be social with children and make friends was during school hours. And of course during school hours your doing work. In high school i went to an all girl school so that was like kat fight after kat fight everyday. I had so many issued with friends and the whole back stabbing and boys and just all the nonsense that comes along with it. Right now i have 3 girls from high school i keep in contact with and even with them its a tough situation.
Until college when i met Sonia and the oh so infamous Get It Girls, i never saw an example of good healthy friendship. These ladies were loyal, respectful to each other and were each others friends in every definition of the word. I learned so much from them about being a good friend and love them soooo much. There amazing. Once they graduated i found a new few friends that are HERE lol. I took what i learned from the get its and took it and used it with Angel, Justine,Jovan, Courtney, Kim and Domo. They are both beautiful friendship that have there kinks but they work.
I know i am still growing as far as learning to be a great friend to people. I still have huge issues with trust and being social and I'm definitely working on them along with my shrink and this blog and with my friends... I want to learn to trust them enough to tell them more about me, open up a lil more, listen a lil more, learn to not be afraid to reach out and be the first to call... Its taken me years to even be this comfortable around people and might take many more but its something i need to get past to be phenomenal.
And if your a friend of mine and feel offended that your not mentioned don't be at all, these are just the 2 groups of people who have been the helping hands in making my friendship skills better for the relationship i have with you lol i still love you tho.
And for the people mentioned....you guys are more family to me than some of the family i have. I might sometimes be distant but know that i would drop everything to help you in every way i can. I'm really trying to take the steps to understand me, and help everyone understand me a lil better. I finally have reached a point where i want to completely trust the people around me, have them trust me, and become more of a social butterfly (Jermaine we can do it lol). This is a process for me and you guys have played a very important role.i love u guys soo much i wanna cry : ) XOXO
Special shout outs to:
Mike for this message he left me:
Well sweety you know I have always been a supporter of you. I hope this new found outlet helps in your quest for transformation. Don't worry about the Job situation, it will come in time. We all face that when we graduate. Luv u much!!!! G. Child
I'm lucky and blessed to have the friends i have...
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 6:40 PM
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Hey there world ! !
Today is Tuesday February 24th and this is my first blog ! !
Im very excited and cant wait to embark on my blogger journey. I decided to take this chance today because of the current state of my life. I am a recent graduate from college and jobless lol. I am home everyday applying to jobs and sometimes volunteering but these things arent enough to keep me distracted from deeper issues ive never delt with. Being in this situation ive been able to really reflect about my life and started to realize some major issues. I also started counseling. So because i love writing in my journals, i just decided to make a bigger step and make my journals open to the world. As i've learned recently others have dealt with the issues i have dealt with my whole life and have become AMAZING people, so i am determined (with the assistance of counseling and blog writing) to become PHENOMENAL WOMEN....
I am open to responses and would actually love them, i think there the best way to learn and reflect so by all means..leave it... PEACE and LOVE ! !