Sunday, March 22, 2009


Another blog for Sunday March 22, 2009. I woke up at the crack since i slept all night and I'm kind of used to it now. Guess what today there isn't any water ! ! lol like what the hell. Any way as i was writing the previous blog and was interrupted by someone. We just had a 2 and a half hour conversation that has left me a lil... ok alot pissed of lol. I am not going to say anything about our conversation, like what exactly we were talking about but i will say why i am pissed. I CANT STAND WHEN PEOPLE AREN'T LIVING FOR THEMSELVES. Now let me explain... lets start with a simple example: you want to wear the red dress but your friend sally doesn't like red or the dress so you decided not to wear it even tho you like it and you bought it for yourself as a treat. Who the fuck is sally? Ok a more serious example: You have always had some type of weird feelings about the same sex but wont say anything to anyone because your afraid. Someone who "cares about you" finds out your secret and calls you a faggot. And you feel like you let them down...WTF how does that make sense?

Anyway i bring those examples to show how someone might not be living for themselves. They base their actions and reactions on the people who "care about them", but never base them on the one person who matters. I do believe you should always think about the people who are there for you, but sometimes they don't have your best interest at heart and don't know your heart the way you do. The one and only person who matters at the end of the day is you. Sometimes we don't make the best decisions for ourselves and the people who "care" are supposed to be there to help you pick up the pieces but not there to pick those pieces out for you. You are supposed to do that ! ! No one else! ! I really got soooo upset, to tears actually when i realized that this person lives for everybody except them self, trying to make everyone happy except themselves, doesn't feel that they deserve anything. I know exactly that feeling and it really hurt me to see them in that state of mind. I remembered how it felt to feel like you can never do something right, never satisfy the person you love, to feel like a fuck up. Its a horrible, trapped feeling and i wouldn't want anyone to live that way. For me to hear this persons story and hear them sound like there is nothing wrong killed me. To hear someone not know there own worth is heart breaking to me...Everyone deserves a chance to be better, everybody deserves to be them self. You are brought into this world alone and its your responsibility to keep you happy and healthy at all times. THE ONLY DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOURSELF THAT SHOULD MATTER IS THE ONE COMING FROM YOU ! ! NO ONE ELSE ! !I've discussed people judging others before. Family and people who care about you shouldn't judge you but they do constantly, and if you care more about what they think than what you know and feel you will never be you and never be completely happy. People who care for you should do exactly that care, not judge, but help you fix things when you fuck up, support you in anything you do or feel. Be there to talk, be there when there needed. But never should they make you feel hurt, pain or disgust in yourself. If someone ever says to you " I'm disappointed, or you let me down because of who you are or what you do. Think about it, think are you disappointed in yourself for doing it or being that way?, do you feel like you let yourself down? Those are the questions that matter when people speak to you that way about being who you are or what you do.

I get alot of slack for being the person i am sometimes. I am extremely out spoken and it can be taken for rudeness. I like to be real with myself and the people around me just so that there isn't a gray area or a gray friend. I don't need it or them around me. And let me tell you how hurtful it was to me to get questioned about my character, why i was the way i am, or just "told about myself". Or even be told," you know alot of people don't like you". That shit was like a stab every time somebody said it. And i really spent alot of time within myself thinking why? what? who? how? I have always listened and even sometimes tried a lil to change me. And honestly there where edges that needed to be rounded out and i worked on them, but at the end of the day i am still me. Out spoken, intimidating, strong, and fearless. The rudeness i am working to get rid of, thats just a example of the bitterness i used to have and im thankful that i learned that. But everything else is ME and i wouldn't change me for anyone. I am sooooo proud of the person i am and who i will become and never want to worry about what others feel about me or think. I tried alot to make others happy with me and i wasn't even happy with myself or what i was doing. With my parents i love them but at the end of the day, we lived different lives and of course i am grateful to have them and everything they have done for me but i have to be myself. My friends all ready know. They are there for a reason, they are true, genuine and amazing people. Although there might not be many of them but the ones i have are full of phenomenal qualities that i lack within myself. Everyone who "doesn't like me" can do just that and miss out on something phenomenal...i don't need them i have enough.

In conjunction with living for yourself and making sure your happy is KNOWING YOUR WORTH ! ! I know for a fact this is something hard for people to realize but it needs to be done. It does take a while before someone realizes here are certain things they don't deserve, and for me it just smacked me in the face one day. So i cant even give like 10 step guide to it lol. I just felt it one day and my heart and said WTF I DESERVE BETTER! ! I guess when you look at all you've been thru and start considering yourself as you number one priority you find your worth.. No one who isn't completely happy with themselves should live thinking that they don't deserve better than what hey have or what there receiving..that should be considered a damn crime.

The pic at the top is of me of course but my tears as well. And i know I'm going to get asked why did i put that up. But i really just wanted to show the reality of my situation, my growth. I am me and i would never never never change what i have been thru, what i have experienced, WHO I AM FOR ANYONE ! ! I couldn't imagine ever going back to that state of mind and forgetting about putting me FIRST. Just that thought alone brings me to tears..No matter if its family,friends, work, spouses anything the most important opinion of yourself is yours, YOU. Your alone in your mind when your thinking, your alone in your heart when your feeling and at the end of the day your alone in that casket when you die. You should be the most important thing to you. Kat Williams said it best " Get in tuned with your star player" ! ! He's a comedian but that shit is real...

To You, you know who you are:
I hope one day you can wake up, open your eyes, smell the dam coffee ,what ever you have to do, do it.. to see how amazing you are and how much you deserve. I don't know if you will be mad when you read this post , but if you are then good get mad and see that this is you and you are soo much better than this. You are still young and have a long way to go in life, but i refuse to let you go on thinking the way you do. You are my friend and i take that serious. I will not have a friend be constantly stripped of her worth and happiness and not even know it, see it or feel it. I see it and its enough for me to get angry and do something about it....





Remember that NO ONE IS PERFECT and WE MAKE MISTAKES but NEVER REGRET just LIVE and remember your LESSONS LEARNED...

deep breath....

Laterzzzz world : )


  1. "all that i could WANT is all that i could GET, in order to survive you gotta learn to live with regrets..."

    very true, live life, love and do you

  2. hey hun, just wanted u to know i am still keeping up with ur posts, even though i do a bad job at commenting lol. but KEEP it UP :)
    But yea I can def see the similarities between ur post and mine, and I am proud to see someone else spreading the wisdom.
    A lot of people live for others, and live in the fear of being rejected or outcasted by others! It is soo pathetic, because then you realize you have spent so much precious time, and you will never be fully accepted by everyone. Not many people think this way, but hopefully our blogs will convey a message to those who aren't being true to themselves.
    I applaud you for getting slack for who you are, and staying true to yourself, yet still improving your weaknesses.

    you go girl :)