Saturday, July 18, 2009

Starting aNEW.....

Today is Saturday July 18th and i have disrespected myself to the ultimate point in life lol. The last time i wrote one of these things was back in may i think : / i think , im not even sure witch makes me feel horrible about the motivation battery i have within myself. But instead of talking of the negative lets talk about the positive, witch is what brings me back to my journey of transformation.

Before this past weekend i used the excuses of "no time, being tired, overwhelmed,not feeling good" whatever i can use, i would to excuse me not writing my daily blog. What i realized after this weekend was that i was just lost all over again. I lost the positive outlook and aura i had around me, the motivation. I pretty much lost it all. And looking back i honestly dont see where i lost it, but i know exactly what i have to do to get it back and keep it. In the time between the last blog and this one a black cloud came over me, sent by me by the way. (I am my worst enemy)

I honestly started to get this trapped feeling. My daily routine was making me feel like i would never be able to change it. I allowed the negativity around me in every situation i was in, sink into my skin again. And the worst of it was i stopped believing in myself, i stoped motivating myself, i stoped thinking positive about me. And that might seem like really, all that Ash? lol and i have to say yes i did. The reason i started this process was to make myself better mentally. So it is that easy for me to fall back into a very dark trap. The main thing was that i lost Focus. I started doing to much stuff that didnt mean anything to me or this transformation journey i am on. The first thing that started to dwindle away was my positive energy. I couldnt see the positive in things any more. I know it sounds horrible but i let the negativity in my house, the negativity of some of the people around me get to me really badly. I let the things in my life that werent going my way seem like the end of the world. I started to think wayyyyyy to much. And that something that i realized in these past weeks that i do way to much. Yes thinking and exorcising the brain is great but the way i was doing it was horrible. Instead of thinking of why the sky is blue or about the solar system, I'm thinking about omg what if i cross the street and get hit by a car or about meeting the man of my dreams and he hurts me even before i have even met the man. Like my negativity was taking over my silent thoughts and eating away at my mind, spirit and soul. As a good friend told me when i explained this, i sound traumatized or afraid to live. What the hell am i afraid of ? This way of thinking took alot away from the amount of Belief i have in myself, my confidence, my strength.

A HUGEEEEE problem on top of not being able to keep the positive thoughts alive within myself is the fact that i have a huge problem controlling my thoughts. I think WAYYYY TOO MUCH. I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. I THINK THE NEGATIVE BEFORE IT CAN EVEN HAPPEN. I THINK ABOUT THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE. And i put this in caps so that you can understand how seriously annoying this is. Its almost like i cant control what my mind wants to think about. I can be in a crowd, alone whatever my mind is eating away at my feelings , my heart.

Now last weekend i went to Panama with a very good friend and some friends for a birthday celebration. Now that trip was everything i needed and then some. Although i was one of only 2 girls with like 18 "brothers" lol i had an amazing time for one particular reason. And to be completely honest it wasnt because of the beach, the open bars, the banana boat i LOVED, the parties or the beautiful tan im walking around with now. It was because of the facts that 1) my phone wasnt on the whole time and i felt GREAT, 2) everyone on the trip was a POSITIVE person (even Pete lol) and 3) I didnt over THINK ! ! . And didnt even realize all this till i got to Texas on my connecting flight and my bag was lost. And if anyone knows me they would know that i would lose all the lil bit of patience i had left when that happened. But i didnt i walked away for a second..breathed deeply once or twice..came back over and said well there is nothing i can do. I prob didnt sound to happy sayin that but i meant it and i felt ok in my heart. Waiting for the next flight everybody kept losing. Someone lost their bank card, our flight was delayed , someone else lost there luggage. Basically everybody on the trip was losing by the minute lol. Then other lady on the trip said to me " this is just god testing us". And its been a whole week and i remember her saying that. Im not very religious but watch she said smacked me. It made me want to challenge whatever that was testing me. Made me want to really work on keeping all the positive that i gained during the trip.

Its been a week and i can really say that i have bee doing well, not great but well. Things dont happen over night and after a whole 2 months without writing and believing in myself, its going to take a lil while till i get 100% back on track. But im on my way. I went back and read some of my old blogs and it made me feel good, gave me the motivation i needed to get back there to that happy place. Today and yesterday i cant lie i woke up THINKING and FRUSTRATED but had some help getting over those feelings.

to ME:
Ashley you are the strongest person you know by far. There isnt anything thats come your way that you havent handled and moved on..So whatever is in your way now shouldnt be stopping you. Remember how many positive people you can call on to share there energy with you and bring you out of those moods and thinking spells you get into.Learn to let go of the past. Your still on this journey no matter how many breaks you take in between you are still growing and on your way. Amazing on your way to Phenomenal..remember that.. i love you ... (be happy you just got your IPHONE 3GS lol)

to keinanna:
thanx... : )

thanx...the heart dosnt think (thats a another blog for another day lol..but its helping me more than i thought it would)

me and my nephew (he always makes me laugh) lol

Thanx for listening world...MUCHO MUCHO love....Hasta luego...