Wednesday, May 13, 2009
So today is Tuesday May 12th, 2009. And as shambled as they have me at work and as shambled as i have myself trying to edit my mini documentary i really feel the need to blog today about something...
Last night i met up with a friend of a friend for a favor. A favor that was more like a wake up call for me. So I'm doing this mini documentary for an independent research i have been doing with my used to be major advisor in college. I wanted to be creative and do something different so i said instead of a freaking book on teen pregnancy i want to do a lil documentary. I mean half of my high school graduating class has kids right now. But for the past few weeks i couldn't get a single chick to sit down for an hour and talk on camera. Everybody was so wishy washy. So thank god Jadine (friend of a friend) was able to do it. And i have met her before and have heard alot about her from my friends Angel and Inez, but of course you don't know everything till you actually sit down with a person. So we start filming and shes answering my questions and what not and as she continues my eyes start to swell up and she cries and keeps going. Her story is amazing. I mean when u hear it, you might be shocked but the fact that she is where she is now is unbelievable. Jading had her son when she was 16 or 17 after she had run away from home because her mom and home life was extremely abusive. She then proceeded to graduate valedictorian of her high school class and continued her education and has become a medical assistant all with her son who is now 4. And let me tell you when that this girl had nothing...i mean nothing and no one. Mother was extremely abusive and didn't help her not once. She worked to pay baby sitters and that's it. She slept in shelters with her son crying that he was cold. Like it has been a rough road for her and she sat in front of me so extremely proud of herself and wanting to do this documentary to make a difference.
She said one thing that inspired this blog and made me reflect again on where i am in my life. She said "it all depends on how you were built, some people can just take it and others just aren't built strong enough". That statement brought tears to my eyes. For her it was about her and her sister. They both endured the same amount of sexual and physical abuse but she took initiative and said no more. Her sister wasn't mentally capable and turned out a very different person.
For me i thought about myself and my situation. Before number 2 there were things in my life that i couldn't understand why they happened to me or why i had to endure them for so long. I even blamed myself for those things. There were times where i really really just layed in my bed and cried and secretly talked to myself (and whatever energy out there listened) and said whyyyyy...like wtf did i do wrong?
For a long time it seemed to be like a punishment from god or whatever. But not up until the last couple of years did i start realizing the reason. One day ill write a blog about the specific things I'm talking about, but for now ill just say "those things". Those things happening to anyone else would of brought there world down and took over there life. For me its made me extremely strong, so strong that i underestimate how strong i really am. I was built stronger than others and because of that i am built to make a difference. This blog of mine has mad a difference in some peoples lives, my job makes a difference in some children's life, the major i chose was teaching me how to make and understand the difference.
I was watching doctor Oz on Oprah and he was talking about living longer lives. One key thing to living longer was having a purpose to waking up and living everyday in the world. Knowing your purpose gave you a reason and positive energy everyday of your life. And honestly this morning it did make me feel good knowing that i was built strong to endure and learn from experiences and take those lessons and help others. My purpose in life is to make a difference in the life's of those who cant see the strength within themselves...how are you built and whats your purpose in life?
Whats your purpose out there??
Where the hell is FRIDAY !?!?
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 10:33 PM
Monday, May 11, 2009
Monday May 11th, 2009..oh man am i tired...very adventurous weekend for me and the reason why i am dead beat now...And yet again Ive fallen behind on the bloggin..forgive me people and i need to forgive myself lol. Ive been dead beat all last week. I try to live it up on the weekends and then that leaves me dead beat all over again ! !
I'm gonna need for Helen Keller international to stop asking me for things that take weeks the week they are due ! ! Lol gosh, they are stressing me and my boss out ! !
N e way being that my mind is in a thousand places i really haven't been able to keep up with my blog : (..... But this weekend helped me come to the topic at hand that i would like to blog about today..
FRIENDSHIP... And i know I've discussed that before but after a few events this weekend it allowed for my mind to go back and reflect and come up with some new things to say about it. Any who im just gonna go ...
If your a reader of my blog you will know that my selected group of friends are one of the most important things in my life...selected i say because i don't have many an the ones i have are very dear to my heart. So any who Friday after work i went to happy hour with my one of my sisters (the non-preggers one lol). After a couple of hours my high school friend Lynesse joined us. I have 3 girls from high school that i still communicate with and she is one of them. And we have some CRAZY high school memories, been thru alot all that. We don't speak everyday but when we come together its like we spoke 5 min ago. Nothing changes at all...its one of the most genuine friendships i have. And right now she is going thru one of the toughest times of her life. Her mom had a stroke than a brain aneurysm..it has left her almost like a vegetable. Because of the grace of god she is recovering and is in rehab now. Now lynnese comes to happy hour and mind you i haven't seen her since before this happened. She has lost all the wait in the world and looks beat. And i of course didn't know what to say but just "just drink up". I didn't want to bring it up n e more. But she stepped out to used the phone and it was taking her forever to come back. When i go outside shes sitting on a stoop crying. Now i have been friends with lynnese for 81/2 years and she has never shed a tear, not even at corny graduation. She was breaking down in front of my eyes. Crying telling me how it feels and asking me what next Ashley? And i had no answer because i did know. She was telling me that was the first time she cried since it happened. I couldn't help myself but to cry with her and yell at her saying to not ever again hold something like this is...to know that i was there for anything whenever...our night came to an end and i went home with her and kissed her on the forehead as she slept and went home.
Then Saturday it was my sisters baby shower. And my amazing friend Ayanna came. She was home bored so i said why not come and be entertained by my family lmaoo. Anyway there was a moment where i was introducing her to an uncle of mine and i said this is one of my best friends.. And she looked at me and said aww i didn't know that lol and i laughed lmaoooo. I never had like a bff when i was younger and i always thought that was like a kid thing to say but for me her and Sonia its like what it is. I'm pretty sure we have been thru the works with our friendships. They prob know me better than i know myself. We have cried together, fought together, argued and not spoken and sailed the black sea (insider) and so on...i couldn't have asked for more when those 2 come up.
Saturday night me and my brother went on a little adventure to New Paltz. And there i have my lil group of 6 friends that were my backbone during what i consider to be one of the hardest times of my little 22 years. Beautiful drunken night ended in a full blown argument, tears and insults. All in the name of alcohol. We were upset at each other, drunk and over reacted. The next day we all sat in a room and talked it out. That might seem like regular stuff to you but for me talking was harder than anything in the world. It took Jermz to get me to talk to Mike after one of the craziest things ever. I almost lost a good friend so this lil conversation in the room is like amazing to me. We sat there and got our points out and moved on... i loved it. I loved them for it and love them to death now..
Those are my friends ! ! Well with the exception of Mike ,Omar, Mak and Jermz who i don't even want to even go into our story lol and i don't think they want me to either..these are my friends. This weekend was like so key to reminding me of all my circles of friends and what we have been thru and why they mean soo much to me. Clearly for my 22 years there aren't many but they are sooo full of the qualities i lack...i love them dearly and i hope they understand that they are a huge part of my life and wouldn't trade our memories and experiences together for anything in the world. They are my blessings and hope that everyone is as lucky as me to have people like the ones i have in my life...
Just wanted to share that with them and the world..
i love u guys...
Hasta luego World....
P A N A M A TATTOOS ! !
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 9:52 PM
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Hey Young World lol, Hoy es Tuesday May 5th, 2009. Cinco de MAYOOOOO ! ! WOOOOHOOOO...I honestly don't know why everyone is super excited lol. I took 5 shots of tequila earlier on the low..lol just to feel apart of the excitement but its worn off. Any who so ok i slacked again, but they give me a break it was the weekend. I never really was good at keeping up with weekend post lol. N e who I'm a lil upset right now so maybe i can start with that and then move on to my very fun and interesting weekend.
So right now a friend of mine...a good close one...just spazzed on me for not understanding there " way of thinking". And im not going to go into detail at all about the subject cuz then we really wont be friends lol...but it really frustrates me when you are really trying your hardest to understand someone and when you don't completely get it they wanna kill you for it. Mind you this persons way of thinking is so far from every way you (well me) knows. Like i cant compare it to n e other way of thinking because i never heard of any like it. So getting to understand it is even more difficult than usual. LIKE I'M TRYING DAMMIT..AND I KNOW YOUR READING THIS SO KNOW THAT I'M FREAKING TRYING JERK !! ughh sorry just venting i had to get that out there.... lol ok back to my weekend...
N e who so i spent the weekend with the bff Son-boogs. We had a blast Friday lolol downtown and sat went to her job for a free health fair. Since i graduated they snatched me off my fathers health insurance so fast lol it wasn't even funny. So i def went and got every service provided. They def had a woman there giving free HIV test and i just want to publicly announce that i am NEGATIVO again lol. Every time i take one it feels so good so i like to announce it lol. There were so many teens and people there and the lady was just sitting there with nothing to do. Everybody should of been getting tested but people were walking right past her. And i want to say that she was an awesome lady. She gave her lil speech and made you sign whatever papers and really was so genuine about her job. She made you feel very comfortable and ok with the test. I totally forgot her name but she was the best.
Anyway it just amazed me the amount of people NOT taking the test. It was free quick and confidential and you got your results right there, like with all the diseases going around in the world why wouldn't you want to be sure of your status as far as that one. IDK it just kinda made me a lil sick, in adults really. Being sexually active is a big responsibility and i can understand that kids now a days don't see it that way and make alot of mistakes, as adults we need to be better examples and really teach and show them some better morals and practices of it. I mean cmon there gonna do it n e way so we might as well show them how to keep it clean and funky free lol. This lady basically sat there the whole day and me and Sonia were the only 2 people she tested and she was about to leave when we got there. It was kinda sad to me because we were at an after school program sight, so i know alot of parents got the memo about it and it was posted all over the neighborhood and we were in the Bronx. Everybody should of been in there getting tested. Even with a positive result people are living.
I think the idea of HIV being a monstrous disease really scares the non educated minorities to being afraid of it. But cancer can do the same thing it does to your immune system. Like where manipulated to be so afraid of it, we don't even want to know if we have it or not. As a people we have to be alot smarter because its killing us off..
This is the website to the foundation the woman was working for... they over many services to people who are positive and even if your not they have alot of services you can use to just stay educated and healthy... http://www.basnyc.org/...... There called Bronx Aids Services...
But yea seriously if your reading this really think about that and go get tested..it feels good to know your status ! ! And not just for that but for everything, being healthy in every way feels so good...
Just wanted to share that today...besides that my weekend was full of drunken fun as usual lolol...
Laterzzz world...go out and get tested...
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 9:32 PM
Friday, May 1, 2009
Hey hey so day 2 of keeping my promise lol. Today is Friday May 1st, 2009. And it feels damn good to be writing and thinking with a clear mind again. I guess i really did have to pull back from the disrespect and refocus my attention on my self lol. Any who in conversation with someone, we discussed the process of me feeling all together better and growing. They said to me that i have to heal my heart before i can feel completely better. I really thought about it and they couldn't be more right.
I have evaluated and reevaluated the things in my life that have effected me as a person and have slowly tried to release and let them go. Even with that being done my heart is still the same. You would think it would be lighter being that i let so much go, but it hasn't gotten lighter. It hasn't gotten darker either it just is. Every hole that was made, every crack created still exist. I have spent more time getting my mental in a better state that i didn't realize that my heart is still in the same place. It starting making sense to why i still got that feeling in my chest when certain things were brought up,thought about or i saw certain people. I have to heal my heart. Mentally things are gone but that deep feeling inside isn't. Now my big question for today is how do you heal your heart?
My heart is damaged by many things but ill use the last crack in it as an example. Also because its probably one of the things that hurt me the most. So number 2 got a girl who lived downstairs from me in my door and who talked me me before this pregnant. She had an abortion and a miscarriage, so yea she was pregnant twice. After everything that transpired between us that gave me a diff feeling and still does today. Me and him aren't friends right now and prob wont ever be but i have managed to let everything else go. But that issue lingers and not really in my mind but my heart. Maybe the only people who saw how deep that hurt were the people there when i found out. But. I honestly don't think they can even imagine what i felt. It broke me point blank and that feeling in my heart is still there. Like...i really cant even explain it...it was like being on the ground holding ya stomach cuz of pain and then getting kicked in the face.
How do u let that feeling on top of so many others go from your heart. And i say feelings because the ideas of them i let go, the photo in my head of that moment i have let go, the memory is almost gone, but the feelings still linger. How ?? Someone please tell me how?? Ive been positive, I've forgiven, I've moved on all the necessary to be healed and i cant get my heart to do the same. I want everyone who can and want to to respond with some ideas because this is affecting important and valuable relationships in my life. I have brought myself to believe that i wont be able to love things or any one again. I see myself pushing people who have good intentions away and its because of the state of my heart right now. I want help, like i dont know what else to do to fix whats going on inside my chest : /...
i hope to come back to some suggestions or just stories of your own experience that can help me with mine....
P A N A M A ! ! (thats for you mike lol)
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 5:14 PM