Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Hello all....its December 22,2009 and I just read a blog where someone said they spoke to God. People say they talk to god...I've been baptized catholic did the communion thing and confirmation. Ask me if I know what any of them besides baptism mean..I won't have an answer for you. But lately I've been attending church and just sitting in the back. Ever sinc ei was younger I always got a sense of calmness in church. And to be honest I don't know if it was the idea of faith that I had in the religion or just because of the scenery. I read when people say they talk to god...can that be mistaken with talking to yourself. I haven't been very spiritual ever. But now as I grow I have been exploring what I believe, what I feel, vibes and energies. I know that I can say I have a hard time believing in myself so how can I put faith in another. I can Also say I have always felt vibes but never acknowledged them until lately and they haven't let me down yet. I guess someone would call that my instincts or what not idk. As far as energies...I believe in positive energy..anything that puts a smile in my face, help me to believe in me and keeps me at peace. I think that why I actually sit in church. Not to talk to god but enjoy the peace an energy I feel inside there. Alot of people including me have been completely judgemental towards religion and what it has caused but I think it's the people who believe in it and not what the religion preaches. If everyone just had positive faith it would work....

December 23,2009 so I run n catch my train see the one empty seat In the car, I sit down and when I look up who do I see..The peace man again. Like this could probably be a coincidences but for where I am in life it seems more like a sign. Maybe he isn't meditating maybe he's sleep but even in sleep he looks at peace. It's so crazy lol..

December 24,2009 and only the darker skinned people are on there way to work..like WTF hahahah...I had to completely drag myself out of bed today..ayeeeeeee...

Today is December 27 the Sunday after Christmas. By the way merry xmas and happy holidays to all you know all that good shit. I'm not like the biggest fan of holidays because I don't know who's genuine about it n e more. People become like automatically friendly and wish u all types of happiness and then u guys don't speak tomorrow. For me I enjoyed Xmas because of my family coming together ,the decorating of the Christmas tree the food..it was never really about the gifts. This year I lacked on Xmas spirit..I don't even know what that spirit feels like..seemed like I was just drinking and eating for the hell of it as usual. I didn't send out a mass text saying happy holidays cuz I just didn't feel like it. Just happy i saw all the people that are most important to me..whether i remember seeing them or not..whether it was for 3 hrs or 5 mins..I LOVE THEM and they made my xmas...

laters people...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Peace...n some randomness on the side...

Hey Guys so today is Friday December 18,2009 and I see the man again..the one who was completely at peace on the 2 train. He smiled at me, sitting the same position he was in before. His hands in like a typical meditation position. Today he was smiling at everybody, seemed like he was hype it was Friday too lol....

I love my parents..they have brought me this far..there not perfect but gave me the tools and taught me how to use them. I might have some resentment deep down inside but I can and will over come that and love them unconditionally. And anyone who tries to disrespect them will not do so without having to deal with me.....

Monday December 21,2009...Sometimes I catch myself missing him or thinking how sad I would be if i see him with someone else..but then I think about the heartache I felt and things lighten up, but then there is that lingering feeling of that lil ounce of love,that doesn't go away fast, it takes time and patience and that I have to keep in mind cuz I tend to get upset with myself like ughh let it go. Some days I just randomly miss him but then I have an amazing convo with my brother from another mother who is in the situation I was in and I remember why I am here. You can't love someone unconditionally if you don't love yourself. If you did you would realize the dragging back and forth, the jealousy, the lies, the crying, fighting is selfish and you wouldn't tolerate it. Once I get reminded of that, I smile and move on. Of course u miss that person who was a constant in your life everyday but you don't miss the heartache..Sometimes you feel heartache being apart but if you still feel that you aren't really 100% loving yourself or at least trying...It will be better with that person once you are healthy enough to know whats best for you, maybe you can teach them something, build an amazing friendship who knows..well that's how i feel, i cant speak for others...i deserve the best..this is for the best..

...doesn't hurt to be polite...like people really need to start considering other people in there life. This idea of "I gotta worry about me" is tru but there is always room for being considerate. The only thing I might say you owe someone is the common courtesy If there in your life on a daily basis ya know that's all...my biggest dream is probably having a family and making my own traditions..

I've been so happy lately...like inside i feel so light, very airy if that makes sense to anyone. I wake up everyday and just smile while i force myself out of bed lol. I say good morning and mean it, i smile at random people on the train. And to be honest its weird for me since i have spent have my 23 years angry at whatever whenever. Feels like a burden has been lifted...a veil...and i am seeing and understanding things clearer now, keeping an open mind and i love it. I have faith in me, i love me, i love the sun lol...

lol sorry for being all over the place..goodnight lol

Hopelss Romantic

Hola today is Wednesday December 16,2009. So this has been something honestly I just noticed. Well more like something I try to deny for what reason idk. Maybe because I was being to cynical like everyone else, or being the "broken hearted girl" that didn't want to admit it. So anyway my name is Soleil and I am HOPELESS ROMANTIC!! Lol I just came out to the world. I love Romeo an Juliet, I love hand written letters, the flowers, I love saving the first date movie ticket stub or menu from a restaurant, i love the love songs that make love seem like an unreachable dream.I believe in the union of two people; marriage. I beleive there is some one for everyone, I want a horse draw carriage, I want to be stupid in healthy love lol. And of course i want to be able to do all those things for the person I love in return ( trust I know romance is a 2 way street). I think many people lately have been giving up on love, or the idea of it. Were surrounded everyday by sexual images, divorces, single songs lol ( don't get me wrong I'm single an enjoying it) but I also know that I want a life partner to share my life one day with. Thursday December 17,2009 Yes we do live in a different time where technology runs our lives, but before all that people were sending letters, giving real hugs that included human to human touch. Now we send 2 dots and a smile and the word hug over text message, taking out any type of simple intimacy. People don't even call each other anymore. I can admit being sucked into this new wave of love but I like the old fashioned version. The version where simple touch kept people drawn into each other. I also must admit that I don't easily give affection and show it but I do secretly love affection. I can lay around all day cuddled and hugged up forgetting all ambitions and responsibilities. But the exterior I keep up from past pain keeps me from expressing that, but I have made a promise to myself to be open but cautious. I want to swept of my feet by another..right now I'm doing it myself. I surprise me everyday and fall more in love with me everyday. And for now I'm ok with that. Until I accomplish certain milestones i have for myself I can wait for all that stuff. Cuz I actually want to be able to enjoy it completely and not be worried about love and still trying to focus on my goals. I mean if some amazing person comes along and sweeps me off my feet with all that stuff I ask for hey by all means lol, even small cute things that nice for those cold winter nights lol . But I can wait, I wanna make sure that person gets the best version of me I can offer and a clean slate...


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i love her...

Ello people today is Friday December 11,2009...Crying...why do people hate to cry. I mean to be honest for me it was it was the fear of letting people know something was actually wrong. I felt the need to always act as if I was ok. Which I've come to realize is just utterly impossible and if you try to do it your only hurting yourself. Yea so I wrote that Friday night while i was on my way to queens to hang out with a friend who is trying to teach me to just chill lol. The topic of crying came up with another friend of mine. She was asking me why I'm always crying for something. I must say things do make me cry pretty easily now but in the past you couldn't get a tear out of me,it was impossible. In the past 3 years crying seemed like the only thing I could do to release all the feelings inside. I personally believe it's the best way to release so much energy good or bad. After crying I feel so much Better even if I am crying about nothing in particular. I wanna recommend it to whoever doesn't have a healthy alternative to release negative energy or Any energy.

So today is Tuesday December 15,2009 and now I want to talk about the friend who asked why i cry. Ok so i had a girlfriend..for those of you who didn't know now u know. And not like a "hey girl..whats up" lol..she was my boo and i love her. And i bring this up because i have been talking to her everyday lately and we haven't talked like that since the day we broke up, and i had a conversation with another friend as to why and how was i able to become so comfortable with her so quickly. Yea i guess i always had the fantasy of being with another women. But to be honest before this encounter it was always only about the sex, like i was interested on how it felt to have sex with a women. Then after meeting her and actually getting to know her in the short time, i grew to love her. Before we even became intimate me and her were like friends and real close ones at that. And what i mean by that is that we had things in common, we were there for each other and understood each other. Yes i have amazing friends but for some reason our relationship was different...maybe because we were intimate eventually but hey idk but it was...it is. We started speaking again lately and now it seems like much didn't change between us besides the fact that were not intimate with each other. That's how we became so close and intimate. I told a friend that i honestly felt more comfortable with her sexually than with a man. Weird he thought but to me it wasn't, after having a sexually abusive pass like i have, being with women was alot easier. She has been there for me even when i know some of the things i tell her she doesn't want to hear...she never judged me and she is there at the drop of a dime if i need her and its amazing to me how i over look her sometimes. She has never hurt me like others who i give 100% to have. The emotional relationship we have is something i cherish greatly and i might not tell her that all the time but i do. I think she knows now tho...So to my friend that's why and how i got so wrapped up in a girl so quick. It was all fun and games until it wasn't lol.

That's all i want to say for now....i will get deeper into my past in another blog when i am fully ready, for those of you who are thinking about they sexually abusive part...


i love her...

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Friday December 4th,2009 8:53am..on the train to work and a man asked a women " excuse me mam can I give your son some advice..he sounds very smart an I just want to give him advice" the women responds yea go ahead and he tells the kid " never give up on your dreams and never give up on yourself". I looked at the man and smiled. It was so simple and so genuine and it made my heart very warm. This man then turned back and looked as if he was starting to meditate. Had his fingers in that certain position. Looked extremely regular but his soul was clean,free,happy,enlightened. Like he knew enuff to keep him happy and clear minded. Amazing I thought,on the 2 train crowded peopled annoyed all around you and he sat there in a meditating position with his aura glowing..it impressed me made me jealous and curious all at the same time. My stop came and I stood up and looked at him and smiled. He put his hand together and bowed his head at me and I got off. That really made my entire morning. A man at peace with himself...he seemed so alive within himself. Made me wonder what do I have to do to get there..what road to follow. It was beyond being relaxed it was just a very easy soul. Nothing bothered him. Brings me to what my blog last night what supposed to be about. A mantra. A few sentences you put together that speak to you personally and give you motivation. My amazingly talented friend Ayanna had a mantra written and posted on her wall, I saw that like a year ago and always said I would make one for myself. Never did. Just finished a great book by Terrie Williams called black pain. And she spoke of creating a mantra for yourself to motivate you and keep you at peace and positive. This man on the train reminded me of my mantra that I kept saying I would create for myself. I needed something to remind me of where I want to be..at peace,moving forward, accomplishing my goals, positive. So my goal for this weekend is to create a mantra for myself. It will be the beginning of finding peace within myself.

Yea so I wrote that Friday morning on my way to work. It's now Monday December 7th,2009 and I'm on my way to work after a long weekend. So again this weekend I took a step backwards in my growing process and allowed myself to hurt n get hurt. I don't want to go into details I just want to say that it hurts lol. I am not completely broken down at all I'm actually handling it better than I have in the past but nonetheless my heart hurts. That's probably one of the feelings I hate the most. A punch is easier to deal with than this. But I must say my friends are the greatest thing in life that I am blessed with. They said the right things..cracked the right jokes..they were there when I needed them. I couldn't ask for anything else. Sooo I didn't have time to create a mantra between my tears..but I'm not gonna allow myself to fall so far of track like I have before. Today I will take the time to think about what will help me move onward n upward past this situation and make a great couple of lines for myself. I wanna use the words peace,fearless,strength,power,
positivity, happiness,love,HERE!!

Yea so i wrote that Monday and now today is Thursday December 10,2009 and I'm on my way downtown after work. Really busy week at work and honestly I have been exhausted. But I have definitely thought about my mantra all week..so much that at work on my computer I have sticky notes that have positive messages written on them. For example one says "I'm worth it", another says "lack of ambition is so wack" and "onward and upward..progression..only you can make your dreams come true!!". They make me feel good,every time I read them, and they are reminders of my mantra that I have been wanting to create for myself. I'm starting to realize how long it might take me to create it to lol. I have so many aspects that I want to touch and I won't be satisfied till I get the perfect mantra. The one that jumps off the paper and into my heart and gets me moving!! Maybe I'm giving it to much responsibility lol but I really want it to make me feel good.

Anyway 2 cool things happened this week 1. I had an refreshingly honest convo lol and it was good after the weekend of lies I had and 2. I have talked everyday to someone who is like a mirror image of myself lol. Both are cool because in both I learned so much. Reflectively and about the other person. And like I've said many times before I love learning new things about myself thru someone elses views and just learning about anything. I learned this week people will surprise you. Of course this is something that you know and hear all the time. But regardless how many times you hear it you still get comfortable with the ideas of people you want to believe, and once that happens surprise surprise. I want to learn to not be surprised but have faith at the same time. How do you do that without seeming standoffish and phony?!?!

Anyway moving on to some random thoughts i have been having. I always want to say that the tattoo on my wrist signifies what being HERE first meant to me the minute I understood it in my heart.... I also want to say that people need to let go of the old me and get to know the new me. It's a new year and for me it's like a new beginning. My growth has surprised a lot of people as I have seen and some people can't see past the old me. If you can't see it I'm sorry you can't because I think it's great. Everyday my heart gets lighter and brighter and my list of lessons unlearned is getting shorter. I'm a Caterpillar on her way to her ca coon...pollination at it's finest...I feel free er than I have ever felt before, and I'm sure it will only get better. Now people will be HERE or not. Like I said people will surprise you but I'm more concerned with how I can surprise myself right now.

I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist. Wow I think I found my mantra ::tear::..what you guys things ?!

Hasta Luego Mundo ! !

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Miss Softy

Ello Ello people so today is December 2,2009. Hope everyone day is going well..soo today I did a home visit to assess a new client on my case load and was so mentally, emotionally an physically drained. Like wow. And he wasn't like woe is me but his Story alone was pretty heavy. It really made me wonder like am I completely ready for this line of work? Should I be completely emotionally and mentally healed before I try to help the next person? As a friend of mine would say.." Idk man". Anyway I don't want to dwell on that right now. I believe only thru continuing to experience this job will I know for sure where I am supposed to be as far social work.

I wanted to discuss how the simplest things make me happy. This topic came to me while shopping for Xmas gifts online. I have 5 nieces( one is 20 she won't be getting a gift..well maybe a gift card) an 2 nephews. Then my younger brother and my puppy Apollo. Since I adore and cherish them ( n since were in a recession) I decided they are the only ones getting gifts. Mom n Dad too but every other family member could go kick rocks. So I'm shopping on amazon and spend 197 on one niece and my brother. And I'm like WTF, I feel like a card with a nice message would put a smile on my face. And I started thinking. I am one of the most simple individuals to buy a gift for and other things when I come to think about it. Clearly my life isn't simple at all lol but gongs that make me happy are. I enjoy gifts that are handmade, that come with a story as to why they were given to me. I don't need the most expensive thing or the brand name whatever..I just need to know that I was thought about when it came down to it.

So I said this to someone and they said "really..doesn't seem like your personality to like the simple things in life". And to be honest I wasn't surprised at all. I do come off a lil harsher than a hug lol..started thinking about why I don't allow my soft side to be seen? What stops me?! I spend alot of time being hard core, keeping a wall up.. Honestly lately I've been doing a better job at allowing myself to just be. I've realized how completely unconscious it is for me. Before I know it I'm protecting myself by not allowing any one in. I don't need to get into the reason for protection, I know that reason already..now I'm just in the process of growing from there and showing the world how satisfied I am with just a great hug or a good reflective convo. I have to stop being afraid to be vulnerable to a certain extent.

I guess all in all I'm saying I am a complete softy and enjoy the simplest things in life. I'm a simple girl I guess lol idk.

Hasta Luego Blog world !!! Happy Holidays !!

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Acceptance of the Self

Ello Luvs (lol got that from my new British friend lol) Tuesday December 1,2009 another WOW the year is almost over. Looking back it's all a blur but I must say it was great since I'm here breathing and pretty happy about that lol. So today I got to work, sat in my office and someone had already slipped the daily memo under the door. I take it to make copies for my CFW and I found something in the printer. It was labeled "Tips on Developing Self Acceptance". I definitely picked it up and Made a copy for myself. If you read my blog you know self acceptance is an issue I've had. Whether I have stated it boldly or not, if you can read between the lines you know. So for me it was a no brainer to make a copy and post it somewhere in my office.

Honestly i didn't actually sit and read it till I got home. And before this time I was sent a new blog to read by an old friend. She recently decided to start blogging and her first one basically was an introduction to why she was blogging. She was blogging not to heal or see herself grow but to accept herself first, which I must commend her for btw. I'm in the process I guess of healing and accepting at the same time..ok back to the paper. It gave approximately 10 steps or ways to help reach a point of self acceptance, and everyone one I identified with. Some more than others. Most I have already identified myself as having a problem doing, so maybe I'm ahead of the game. This was just a reminder ,maybe even a sign letting me know I'm on the right track...thank you for that...who ever you are..

I am going to share the 10 steps with you all..maybe it can be a guide for people who need to learn to accept themselves but don't know where to start.. here goes...

1. Allow yourself to listen to other peoples opinions and objections without holding grudges and learn to tolerate.

2. Refuse to measure yourself to peoples expectations.

3. Take care of yourself and do not wait for others to do so.

4. Accept compliments from others and believe that they are true.

5. Find the good attractive parts of you. Reassure yourself that you are OK. Focus on the positive about you.

6. Compliment yourself for the task you have accomplished and allow yourself to accept your mistakes and inadequacy.

7. See yourself as a whole person, a gift and of value to yourself, in the eye of others and in the eyes of the creator.

8. Stop picking yourself apart and criticizing. This attitude is going to make you uncomfortable and unhappy.

9. Feel good about yourself. Affirm that you are blessed with good health, a sound mind and physically complete.

10. Let go of wanting approval from others.

I don't know who wrote these steps or who was making a copy of them, but i am thankful for the
vivid reminder of the things i need to work on.
I love reflecting now more than ever..allows me to learn about where i am in my journey..this def helped me do that...I hope it can help some of you readers out there..I'm out for the night...

Shout outs:

Lori: Congrats on the first blog..I'm sure it will be great as long as you keep yourself committed to accepting it...

Buenas Noches world..