Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wisdom come with Experience and time....

Today is Thursday MARCH 11,2010..Been a while, but that's not what i want to dwell on...

So I was in a car accident that could of possibly taken my life on Friday. Car hydro planned flip and landed on the rail. I was in the car with 2 of my favorite people. We walked away literally without a scratch..broken bone..nothing but shock that we were still breathing. Up until last night I wasn't able to really sleep a full night without dreaming the accident over or kinda be anxious and nervous, thinking that some final destination shit would happen. I needed a mental break, I needed to write. So I did :

Wow so I now the real meaning believe in angels or spirits or just plain on circumstances and reasons. If One more person was in the car and they would of been hurt. If the snow wouldn't of been there we all would of been hurt. But we didn't get hurt. For a whole night I wondered why we didn't get hurt instead of why was I given this chance. Or even what do I need to do to take advantage of this chance I was given. That's when I broke down. I cried and let it all out... And then realized it took this to happen for me to LIVE..try new things, have an open for me. Although I felt like I was learning these things recently this accident taught me that the way my friend Angel lives is right. Its not selfish its just living for self. When u die no one can male up all the things in YOUR life for you..if they tried it would be their experience not yours and YOU missed out. I have to LIVE for me...I have to LIVE...

The 2nd lesson was bad but also good....

I guess I taught someone a lesson that I was once taught but I really didn't want to be the teacher. But as I always say shit happens for a reason. The thoughts in my mind were always "I should be going thru this phase in my life alone". And now I am. Does it feel better..umm not quite yet but I know it will just have to reprogram myself. But I def needed this lesson. She showed me I wasn't ready but taught me how to be. Will I tell you how to be what? Nah...I'm still learning that myself. But thanx Lori...

For the record apologies are never hard for me..I know wen I'm wrong. I don't apologize for what I did cuz those were my actions act the time and I control me..but I do apologize for the way u feel. An empathetic sorry more than a sympathetic sorry. I've been there and know exactly how it feels. The only loss is the friend I had in her..the confidence I kept with her. But again that also happened for a reason.

The only thing that really really bothers is that she wasn't able to actually say "stop doing this or that" at whatever time but allowed it to continue. I knew how she felt and explained how i felt. Once that was done and differences were laid out decisions should of been made by each individual to keep themselves safe. What she never understood and prob still doesn't is that i care for her more than she thinks....but i care for me millions times more than n e one can ever understand. And for that i will never apologize. Shes in the phase of learning now that once u love yourself more you will always come first. In relations of the heart you should always come first..You never ignore how u feel, u put that emotion first and go for what you want not whats best for the other person...but she is learning that now..

As i said am I'm not super proud that i taught her that...clearly im not cuz it makes me out to be a monster. But I've learned over time and experience that when someone hurts you there not monsters there teaching you a lesson that you needed to learn to survive later. There is good in everyone, as evil as the person might get, the lesson they have taught you is whats important.

Time DOES NOT heel all wounds...CONSCIOUSNESS does...wake up learn the lesson and move forward and leave the negative behind.

So in retrospect... i learned the meaning of living and not being afraid not out to hurt anyone at all...but im definitely out to live MY life.. i mean hey its mine to live right?

Hasta Luego Mundo : )


  1. im just up reading you and lori i feel emotional about this... this is really affecting my mood.... come on TALK! TALK! TALK it out instead of Blogging about eachother! you guys have the power to save a good friendship! love you ashy poo!

  2. I totally understand the way you feel. The concept of living life for yourself is one that I feel more people should acknowledge. However, there is no such thing as an empathic apology nor is there any such thing as a sympathetic apology. There are only 2 types of apologies out there; honest and dishonest.

    You touched on a very important aspect of life when you said "shit happens for a reason". From the people you become friends with, to lovers, to the strangers on the street whom you don't give a second glance, I feel that we encounter all of these beings because we are supposed to. It's our understanding of their relationship to us that makes all the difference.

    I'm most certainly not trying to make any kind of judgment about this situation, nor am I judging anyone's character, but it does seem as if you're not quite sure if you're really apologizing. It seems like you are, but won't admit it out of pride... Remember, pride is a sin according to the bible... but who am I to say... I love dick.

  3. I understand exactly what your sayin. But maybe i didnt explain it well, who knows whatever but n e who.... To begin i know what im apologizing for and why. Im not apologizing for what happened or how but more for how she feels. And because its about how she feels i dont want lori to think i feel sorry for her (sympathetic), instead i am sorry because i know that feeling and i know it dosnt feel good (empathetic). I think i explained that pretty well but if not i hope that clears it up. What you believe is cool..but i feel different. Thats honeslty how i feel so thats an honest apology to me...she can believe what she wants, but my mind is clear and ive learned the lesson that was presented to me.

    oooohhh btw hunny gurll you dont know what pride is if you think what u read up there has anything to do with pride... If i had any pride there would be nothing to read...

    : ) <3

  4. I hope you REALLY understand the difference between living for self and being selfish. I'm not sorry it took a car accident for you to learn this. Sometimes the best lessons come in the most drastic ways. If you were dead, what would you be remembered for? Would you be remembered at all? I've never been in that situation but those are the first questions that came to mind.

  5. I know the u understand the idea that people owe u nothing? You continue to think i am selfish because of what happen between us. You have to really think back and understand that there was no secret as to how i felt and what i wanted, so you knew what was going on.When you realized that you weren't my main concern like i was yours i became the selfish one. I owed you the truth because we were dealing with each other and i did tell you how i felt. Stop calling me selfish because i didn't give you what u wanted.

    If i were dead the people who know me and love me for who i am will remember me the way i should be remembered, whether it be 1person or 100. Everybody else can worry about how they will be remembered. And if that's the first thing you would think about in a situation like that you have a longer way to go then i thought..

  6. Lmao I'm late to this. I commented because I found it interesting but clearly you misunderstood.

    I wrote six sentences. None of them contain my name or yours in it. I did not call you selfish. You don't need to be selfish to learn that lesson. I am no one to judge your character and you are no one to judge mine. With all due respect, you don't know me. Your comment was irrelevant. I don't know what that was about but I'm sure you have reasons.