Monday, October 4, 2010
I haven't been here in soooooo long. It felt almost like i was avoiding coming back here for some reason.Ive been avoiding my feelings and living in an illusion that's been harder to keep together than just coming here to vent. I came back today and read my blogs and read apart of me that i love but miss so much!! Apart of me that has disappeared. The confident, self assured me, the no settling for bull me. The me that was so in love with ME!! I've been unmotivated and less confident than usual. Ive been settling for things because I'm afraid of the future and I've lost sight of myself and put myself second to some one elses emotions and criticisms of me,of WHO AM I? I figured once there was someone to make me happy i could let go of everything else that did. I stopped reading my positive The Daily Love emails, stopped discovering me. 2 years ago i went thru hell and back and learned so much but then again we learn everyday.I forgot that life was about learning. From my situation with Number 2 i wasn't meant to learn everything there was to learn about relationships. I was just meant to make sure i wouldst make the same mistakes and make better decisions later. What i forgot was the love i need to have for myself first. I was slowly falling in love with me before this summer. I was believing...But i easily loose focus and now I'm completely disappointed in myself.
I found myself today feeling the same feelings i used to feel 2 years ago, but not to the same extent and not for the same reasons. I feel lost,confusion, pain, hurt, low. I lost my focus on myself because i started falling for someone. More like i put someone before my own growth and health again. I feel confusion for trying to be overly strong for everyone and not think about me. Not giving ME any personal time. This time it just wasn't as blatant as the last time but still I'm in this predicament..no? I have to take a break and give myself all of ME to ME!! What happened to my mantra's, what happened to living from my heart. I lost all of that, i lost it all and i have to start all over but i have to be dedicated. How can i not be serious when it comes to my own happiness, how can i let the presence of another human being get in the way of MY OWN PERSONAL HEALTH AND HAPPINESS?! Like i said at the beginning of this blog i re read all of my blogs and I have re dedicated some things to myself. I want to be the woman that i know i am supposed to be.That i feel i am supposed to be before i give my love to any man or woman again. Some thoughts of mine today that brought me back..
Don't Rush Love. Don't Chase Love. It Should Just Be.<---- this is the type of love i want..nothing that makes me feel insecure, nothing that makes me feel like mistakes cant be made, that growth together is impossible.
I want to rededicate MYSELF and my life to LOVING ME!, MY Education, MY Faith (in myself and something bigger than me), Traveling, and last and just as important as the 1st thing listed is MY Family. Everything else comes second to those things for now!! I want to dedicate and give myself the gift of the rest of my twenties for ME...the growth of ASHLEY SOLEIL!!! I want to say I LOVE ME, mean it and not be selfish about it (well not to selfish). Everything else in my life has owned me in some way emotionally and I'm really ready to take charge completely!
I will be here more often. There has been so much change in my life in every way and i want to share the bad and good. I want to get things off my chest. I want to get back into the 1st favorite hobby; writing. I want to get back to the amazing me. I don't know why this journey always gets interrupted but enough is enough. I'm to good for this!!
::sigh:: today has been a long day and I'm emotionally and physically tired. Like i said so much has changed so i will be back soon. I leave YOU and ME with the words of the past that have helped me remember and re dedicate my path. Its weird that reading them is kinda weird to me, crazy how far my mental has strayed from that positivity and wellness...but its okay I WILL BE RIGHT BACK ON THAT PATH VERY SOON!!
"create a life from your heart, to allow
instead of try, to let greatness and love in by letting go of fear, to not look back, to know that I am worth it." "stop chasing what isn't yours
"I am Me..the keeper of MY dreams and of my HEART. I can produce positivity and peace, I have the strength withing myself to bring happiness and love to myself and others. I believe in ME. I will be a social worker, I will be GREAT and I will always recognize being HERE is a life of existence and I exist."
That's a picture of My Titi Carmen and I while at the hospital visiting my grandmother..She is my favorite aunt and after not seeing her for more than 5 years she ends the convo by saying "I love you, u do whatever makes you happy"...i love her so much <3
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 3:45 PM