Thursday, February 26, 2009


Hola Mundo lol, today is Thursday Feb 26,2009 and this is my third blog. Excitinggggg lol, im really proud of myself for keeping up with this daily. I usually slowly get tired of things but this feels so good i cant give it up just yet. I als0 want to quickly say thank you to who ever is reading and my wonderful friends for your responses. N e who so today my blog was inspired by the "View", the show with Whoopi and Barbara Walters on channel seven at eleven in the morning. i woke up and turned the t.v on and thats what they were giving so i just decided to watch it. They were discussing the whole Rihanna Chris Brown issue. Giving there opinions and what not like everyone has been doing and then Whoopi said something that sparked something in me and got me thinking all day. She spoke of positive and negative influences on young ladies and then she said " When you start to teach a young women to take care of herself then she will be independent and not be dependent on anyone but herself". She was saying this in regards to Rihanna and her family life; saying that she maybe didnt have a good positive example of a relationship or maybe someone in her family was in a domestic abuse relationship. This got me to thinking about the past relationships in my life and what not and the example i had growing up.

So the example i had was my mother and father. And before i start saying anymore i want to say that i love my parents for raising me and being there , feeding me , keeping me healthy and on the right track but all parents arent perfect. N e way back to the subject at hand. I thought about what example i saw in my parents. My parents from my earliest memory have been together, never married tho. My father played the Alpha male bread winner, the "MAN" of the house, umm yea that role. While my mother played the wife; feed the kids, get them to school, feed the man , clean the house etc. Basically a very 1950's idea of the nuclear family with the exception of the dog. But as i hope we all the know the nuclear family had its share of problems. In my house it was the fact that my mother always seemed very dependent on my father and honestly until this day i dont know for what. She always had her own job and money, i dont know why she never walked out. My father, i love him dont get me wrong, but he is in simplest terms... a womanizer (Britney said it best). My father was out every weekend, came home with hickeys, scratches the works. My mother talked shit about my father but no matter what she put him first and he did the same (except put her first) to her in front of me and my lil brother. The arguments were like world war 3 in my own home very often, my entire childhood into my teenage years. People always said to me and sometimes still do "omg your soo lucky to have both your parents" and i respond if you only knew. I believe sometimes it would of been better off having them separately, instead of having them pull the worst out of each other in front of my face. There was even a point where my father thru my mother out and of course she wasnt leaving us, so we had to go along with. So we went to my grandmothers and for a day i thought ok this is it until my father came apologized and we went right back into it. And on top of that they are very good actors, they put on wonderful acts and faces in front of people. I never said anything but as i got older i let out a couple of shut ups, be quiet, dont talk about my mother that way vise versa whatever. I think i was angrier at my mother for not just getting up and walking out. And since she always forgave or let things pass so did i, and i loved my father. Now this brings me to the relationships with males in my life and what whoopi said.

My mother was my example of a woman in a relationship. And today i really took a look into the two past relationships in my life. I dont want to use there names so ill say 1 and 2. The were very different situations but i was the same in both. With 1 i was never first to him, i was his partner instead. He had his own fam with kids before and i was just the girlfriend over on the side somewhere. When he needed me i was there but it wasnt the same when i needed him. When i needed something i got it but not when i needed him. I was settling for that until i was like fuck it and my life was put in danger (he was a street pharmacist lol). So he got on the back burner...

Now on to the infamous NUM 2..Now if your my friend and reading this you already know. And if your 2 you already know lol... Now while i think about it my relationship with 2, i see it is the exact same thing i saw as a child growing up with my parents. 2 and my relationship was one of the most emotionally draining relationship i have ever had with another human being in my life. I am only 22 but it took alot out of me and away from the person i am. We fought physically and verbally, we made up and made love passionately but it became a cycle. And for me it mentally broke me down from the person i was when i first entered the relationship. Num 2 played my fathers role and i played my mothers role. He cheated, he lied, and i cant play the innocent one (im not as silly as my mother was, i mean it is 2009). There was alot of verbal and mental abuse, and i took alot of it for a good amount of time. Enough time to change me as a person and really mentally break me down until i coudlnt recognize myself. Even with all this i fought for the relationship to work even when num 2 said we need to part ways for a while, like my mom does. And during this time i felt trapped, lost, un happy to the point of depression. I lost alot of confidence in myself, self esteem and just plain logic was gone. Although the relationship was horrible the friend i have in num 2 is amazing and one of my best friends. It was very hard for me to actually walk away feel confident enough in my self to to do so and actually realize how unhealthy i was to be in that situation. If it wasnt for my friends (and they know who they are) i would of lost my damn mind. I really started looking around at the people who were there for me and there examples of relationships, and although it took up till last week to walk away for myself, i finally did it. I looked at Justine, i looked at Ayanna, i looked at DeeDee and i looked at Kim. I saw strong strength and confidence and a whole bunch of things that i had in myself before. And i wanna make it clear that Num 2 didnt take those things away from me at all, i wasnt strong enough to keep them in me and let someone even dare to make me think that i didnt have those things within myself. I wasnt ready for that relationship or any at the time cuz i wasnt strong enough to keep me, who i was. Your not supposed to lose yourself in relationships, your always supposed to think about what do i want? what do i need? ask yourself what that person offers ,what are they giving? and do you even need it? When i realized these things i felt it in my heart and knew that it was time for me to get out the cycle for the both us, and to make ME better.

And i see all this stems from what i saw, everything i was dealing with was what i saw in my house while growing up. My mother fed the cycle like it was her baby, one of her kids. And if i didnt have the good, great people around me that i do i would of never saw a difference. If i didnt have num 2 i would never has seen this flaw and probably would of been in another cycle with another person. Examples are so important to children growing up and even older people. I'm just really grateful to have had the opportunity to share this examples with others, maybe giving them that push they needed to make the next move. I am so much stronger than i was and so much more amazing than i was..on my way to being phenomenal ! !

to num 2:
Thank you..i can never say that i hate you cuz you taught me sooo much about myself, even if in the way you did it was crazy. We did it and i learned and i will never make those same mistakes again not for n e one. You are my best friend and i know im yours and that will never change...
:::pooter face musty stank breath freak mouth jabawooke u too:::

to D:
Dont ever allow your self to feel trapped, or unhappy in a situation where your supposed to shine. You were one of the people i looks towards for examples and you've always given me good look at me. U have seen me at my worst lol. Love for another can so far , but the love you have for yourself is never ending... You are very independent and motivated and i know for a fact you can move on and feel free without a doubt.. This is only the begining of a new road and you know how to drive fast hunny..

laterz world


  1. keep them coming!! I'm on this journey with u my luv!

  2. u kno, even though ur like a sister to me. i honestly feel like this allowed me to kno u even more.... even with witnessing, and even holding u back, yelling at u, crying with u, and even chasing u around Capen Hall... i now can see wat u mean objectively. u are AMAZING for seeing it urself

  3. After "dealing" with the many different women that I have, I have noticed a disturbing trend that has allowed me tell what kind of woman I am dealing with from 21 jumpstreet. One of my first boo loving, late night, two hour long convo's always revolves around the upbringing of this woman. I dont need details but by hearing the opening you can tell what kind of woman she may be.Ie: "My mom raised all of us by herself and im the oldest". This makes me know that I am dealing with a woman that usually knows how to handle business. Probably a great potential mother, independent, and probably knows how to treat a man. The down side to this is this woman probably doesnt know the way a woman is supposed to be treated by a man and usually doesn't know how to get herself involved with someone deeper than what meets the eye.

    Back at the ranch: I have found that many women of latino heritage have the same story as you.
    While the Caribbean man story maybe similar to your pops, it's different just because most of the time they tend to leave.
    African American women tend to have just one parent in the home, whether it be the father or mother determines what kind of girl she will turn out to be.
    I find myself not looking for any specific one but it always seems easier with a woman that comes from a household that has both parents contributing to a healthy relationship (obviously). My problem is kinda what whoopi was focusing on and you touched on. WOMEN DONT KNOW HOW TO BE TREATED THE WAY THEY DESERVE.and it all stems back to there youth ( kinda just saying what you did). (Here is the new stuff) I ultimately feel that if there are not more people that are aware of their flaws due to the upbringing, there will be a very nasty cycle of "damaged" women circulating into the minority communities.
    I know that men have the same issue of not knowing how to treat a woman and this holds just as much weight in the grand scheme of things.
    We need a stronger family, stronger marital bonds and a more close knit community before we will see a change in our children. So there are less chris brown's (hitting women), less Rihana's (probably not his first signs of domestic abuse) and More Bill and Camille Cosby's or Michelle and Barack Obama's.
    Just my 2 cents...
    I like this blog thing, maybe I should get my own... Hmmm

  4. Wow! You know its weird, you and I have a lot more in common than we both actually know. My child hood in many ways like yours was. Very, almost extremely similar. As you know my real father and step mother made a living singing, and had/have a real career doing so. When my step mother became pregnant, after a while she couldn't go on the road with my father any more, leaving him alone; on the road with the drugs, money and women, and then one day this Caribbean woman comes along to one of his concerts, winning for her life and he being a man, just couldn't resit. long story short the Caribbean woman was my mother. Now the twist was she was only 16, lied and said she was 19 cause she looked it, and my father was in his mid 20's. So of course you know what happened, she gets pregnant with me, my father finds out her real age and because he was the Alpha male with bank and had a spiteful wife, took me away from my mother. Through the years he continued to sneak around with my mother fathering 2 younger brothers with her, whom absolutely despise him till this day. Like your mom, my step mom never left, and people outward looking inward always said "wow you have both parents and why ya mamma look white and you black and why your sisters and brothers light and you dark?" and a few other ignorant things black people with out education say! So Me growing up to be who I am, seeing this type of environment, became the womanizer just like my father, producing a child and giving it to my parents as a gift. I know that sounds fucked up and not a day goes by I don't think about that little girl back home that looks so much like me and how I'm going to explain to her pop pop and nina isn't her mommy and daddy. I became a user, in the sense that if you don't have anything to offer me, than I aint with it, or with you, period. After reading your story I can honestly say I believe that I am this way is because I have all this built up resentment towards my father from taking me from my real mother, and because I feel that in a sense I may have lost my identity, my culture. I'm thankful because his resources kept me from growing up in a really bad environment and becoming another statistic, but I still hate him for it.Now, am I going to stop being the user I am...NOPE, I LOVE ME JUST THE WAY I AM, but eventually...sooner or later....I'll work on it ;-) Love you girl!!!_7thwardhardhead

  5. oh boy, i have so much to say i cant even say it! idk where to start. Even though i was there through most of this, hearing this from you is confirming how much you have grown and showing how u truly are transforming. Experiences shape a persons thoughts, perceptions and actions. This has been very clear to me in the past years. I have always been very observant. I analyze things so much and try to understand, which is sometimes my down fall because i have realized some things are just the way they are. There is a solution to every problem but maybe every problem doesnt NEEDS a solution, because as long as you are genuinely happy, then that is the most important thing. Happiness is soo important. Realizing you own flaws is a start to to living healthy live and making the right decisions. Without experience we would never learn and continue to make the same mistakes. This is just the beginning hunny! Im not sure if this relates, but it was a thought, i had to get out. I think i need to start my own lmaooo...Luv ya! and I agree I am on this journey right along with you boo!

    Kitty <3

  6. I am so happy that I was able to be there for you! I never regret any moment of listening and comforting you. And being there for you taught me how to be a better friend. I am also happy that you are at a place in your life where you can help others and be that example to other women. Women are in the situation you were in. You can help someone know what they want in there relationship and as you said, “not to loose yourself.” I think the most powerful message you gave is not to perpetuate unhealthy cycles. You broke that cycle and realized you were continuing your mother’s unhealthy relationship. And that is the most beautiful thing you did for yourself and your future relationships :0)