Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hola Mundo lol, today is Thursday Feb 26,2009 and this is my third blog. Excitinggggg lol, im really proud of myself for keeping up with this daily. I usually slowly get tired of things but this feels so good i cant give it up just yet. I als0 want to quickly say thank you to who ever is reading and my wonderful friends for your responses. N e who so today my blog was inspired by the "View", the show with Whoopi and Barbara Walters on channel seven at eleven in the morning. i woke up and turned the t.v on and thats what they were giving so i just decided to watch it. They were discussing the whole Rihanna Chris Brown issue. Giving there opinions and what not like everyone has been doing and then Whoopi said something that sparked something in me and got me thinking all day. She spoke of positive and negative influences on young ladies and then she said " When you start to teach a young women to take care of herself then she will be independent and not be dependent on anyone but herself". She was saying this in regards to Rihanna and her family life; saying that she maybe didnt have a good positive example of a relationship or maybe someone in her family was in a domestic abuse relationship. This got me to thinking about the past relationships in my life and what not and the example i had growing up.
So the example i had was my mother and father. And before i start saying anymore i want to say that i love my parents for raising me and being there , feeding me , keeping me healthy and on the right track but all parents arent perfect. N e way back to the subject at hand. I thought about what example i saw in my parents. My parents from my earliest memory have been together, never married tho. My father played the Alpha male bread winner, the "MAN" of the house, umm yea that role. While my mother played the wife; feed the kids, get them to school, feed the man , clean the house etc. Basically a very 1950's idea of the nuclear family with the exception of the dog. But as i hope we all the know the nuclear family had its share of problems. In my house it was the fact that my mother always seemed very dependent on my father and honestly until this day i dont know for what. She always had her own job and money, i dont know why she never walked out. My father, i love him dont get me wrong, but he is in simplest terms... a womanizer (Britney said it best). My father was out every weekend, came home with hickeys, scratches the works. My mother talked shit about my father but no matter what she put him first and he did the same (except put her first) to her in front of me and my lil brother. The arguments were like world war 3 in my own home very often, my entire childhood into my teenage years. People always said to me and sometimes still do "omg your soo lucky to have both your parents" and i respond if you only knew. I believe sometimes it would of been better off having them separately, instead of having them pull the worst out of each other in front of my face. There was even a point where my father thru my mother out and of course she wasnt leaving us, so we had to go along with. So we went to my grandmothers and for a day i thought ok this is it until my father came apologized and we went right back into it. And on top of that they are very good actors, they put on wonderful acts and faces in front of people. I never said anything but as i got older i let out a couple of shut ups, be quiet, dont talk about my mother that way vise versa whatever. I think i was angrier at my mother for not just getting up and walking out. And since she always forgave or let things pass so did i, and i loved my father. Now this brings me to the relationships with males in my life and what whoopi said.
My mother was my example of a woman in a relationship. And today i really took a look into the two past relationships in my life. I dont want to use there names so ill say 1 and 2. The were very different situations but i was the same in both. With 1 i was never first to him, i was his partner instead. He had his own fam with kids before and i was just the girlfriend over on the side somewhere. When he needed me i was there but it wasnt the same when i needed him. When i needed something i got it but not when i needed him. I was settling for that until i was like fuck it and my life was put in danger (he was a street pharmacist lol). So he got on the back burner...
Now on to the infamous NUM 2..Now if your my friend and reading this you already know. And if your 2 you already know lol... Now while i think about it my relationship with 2, i see it is the exact same thing i saw as a child growing up with my parents. 2 and my relationship was one of the most emotionally draining relationship i have ever had with another human being in my life. I am only 22 but it took alot out of me and away from the person i am. We fought physically and verbally, we made up and made love passionately but it became a cycle. And for me it mentally broke me down from the person i was when i first entered the relationship. Num 2 played my fathers role and i played my mothers role. He cheated, he lied, and i cant play the innocent one (im not as silly as my mother was, i mean it is 2009). There was alot of verbal and mental abuse, and i took alot of it for a good amount of time. Enough time to change me as a person and really mentally break me down until i coudlnt recognize myself. Even with all this i fought for the relationship to work even when num 2 said we need to part ways for a while, like my mom does. And during this time i felt trapped, lost, un happy to the point of depression. I lost alot of confidence in myself, self esteem and just plain logic was gone. Although the relationship was horrible the friend i have in num 2 is amazing and one of my best friends. It was very hard for me to actually walk away feel confident enough in my self to to do so and actually realize how unhealthy i was to be in that situation. If it wasnt for my friends (and they know who they are) i would of lost my damn mind. I really started looking around at the people who were there for me and there examples of relationships, and although it took up till last week to walk away for myself, i finally did it. I looked at Justine, i looked at Ayanna, i looked at DeeDee and i looked at Kim. I saw strong strength and confidence and a whole bunch of things that i had in myself before. And i wanna make it clear that Num 2 didnt take those things away from me at all, i wasnt strong enough to keep them in me and let someone even dare to make me think that i didnt have those things within myself. I wasnt ready for that relationship or any at the time cuz i wasnt strong enough to keep me, who i was. Your not supposed to lose yourself in relationships, your always supposed to think about what do i want? what do i need? ask yourself what that person offers ,what are they giving? and do you even need it? When i realized these things i felt it in my heart and knew that it was time for me to get out the cycle for the both us, and to make ME better.
And i see all this stems from what i saw, everything i was dealing with was what i saw in my house while growing up. My mother fed the cycle like it was her baby, one of her kids. And if i didnt have the good, great people around me that i do i would of never saw a difference. If i didnt have num 2 i would never has seen this flaw and probably would of been in another cycle with another person. Examples are so important to children growing up and even older people. I'm just really grateful to have had the opportunity to share this examples with others, maybe giving them that push they needed to make the next move. I am so much stronger than i was and so much more amazing than i was..on my way to being phenomenal ! !
to num 2:
Thank you..i can never say that i hate you cuz you taught me sooo much about myself, even if in the way you did it was crazy. We did it and i learned and i will never make those same mistakes again not for n e one. You are my best friend and i know im yours and that will never change...
:::pooter face musty stank breath freak mouth jabawooke u too:::
Dont ever allow your self to feel trapped, or unhappy in a situation where your supposed to shine. You were one of the people i looks towards for examples and you've always given me good ones..now look at me. U have seen me at my worst lol. Love for another can so far , but the love you have for yourself is never ending... You are very independent and motivated and i know for a fact you can move on and feel free without a doubt.. This is only the begining of a new road and you know how to drive fast hunny..
Posted by Anonymously_30 at 6:12 PM