i love her...

Ello people today is Friday December 11,2009...Crying...why do people hate to cry. I mean to be honest for me it was it was the fear of letting people know something was actually wrong. I felt the need to always act as if I was ok. Which I've come to realize is just utterly impossible and if you try to do it your only hurting yourself. Yea so I wrote that Friday night while i was on my way to queens to hang out with a friend who is trying to teach me to just chill lol. The topic of crying came up with another friend of mine. She was asking me why I'm always crying for something. I must say things do make me cry pretty easily now but in the past you couldn't get a tear out of me,it was impossible. In the past 3 years crying seemed like the only thing I could do to release all the feelings inside. I personally believe it's the best way to release so much energy good or bad. After crying I feel so much Better even if I am crying about nothing in particular. I wanna recommend it to whoever doesn't have a healthy alternative to release negative energy or Any energy.

So today is Tuesday December 15,2009 and now I want to talk about the friend who asked why i cry. Ok so i had a girlfriend..for those of you who didn't know now u know. And not like a "hey girl..whats up" lol..she was my boo and i love her. And i bring this up because i have been talking to her everyday lately and we haven't talked like that since the day we broke up, and i had a conversation with another friend as to why and how was i able to become so comfortable with her so quickly. Yea i guess i always had the fantasy of being with another women. But to be honest before this encounter it was always only about the sex, like i was interested on how it felt to have sex with a women. Then after meeting her and actually getting to know her in the short time, i grew to love her. Before we even became intimate me and her were like friends and real close ones at that. And what i mean by that is that we had things in common, we were there for each other and understood each other. Yes i have amazing friends but for some reason our relationship was different...maybe because we were intimate eventually but hey idk but it was...it is. We started speaking again lately and now it seems like much didn't change between us besides the fact that were not intimate with each other. That's how we became so close and intimate. I told a friend that i honestly felt more comfortable with her sexually than with a man. Weird he thought but to me it wasn't, after having a sexually abusive pass like i have, being with women was alot easier. She has been there for me even when i know some of the things i tell her she doesn't want to hear...she never judged me and she is there at the drop of a dime if i need her and its amazing to me how i over look her sometimes. She has never hurt me like others who i give 100% to have. The emotional relationship we have is something i cherish greatly and i might not tell her that all the time but i do. I think she knows now tho...So to my friend that's why and how i got so wrapped up in a girl so quick. It was all fun and games until it wasn't lol.

That's all i want to say for now....i will get deeper into my past in another blog when i am fully ready, for those of you who are thinking about they sexually abusive part...

HASTA LUEGO MUNDO ! !

p.s
i love her...