Starting aNEW.....

Today is Saturday July 18th and i have disrespected myself to the ultimate point in life lol. The last time i wrote one of these things was back in may i think : / i think , im not even sure witch makes me feel horrible about the motivation battery i have within myself. But instead of talking of the negative lets talk about the positive, witch is what brings me back to my journey of transformation.

Before this past weekend i used the excuses of "no time, being tired, overwhelmed,not feeling good" whatever i can use, i would to excuse me not writing my daily blog. What i realized after this weekend was that i was just lost all over again. I lost the positive outlook and aura i had around me, the motivation. I pretty much lost it all. And looking back i honestly dont see where i lost it, but i know exactly what i have to do to get it back and keep it. In the time between the last blog and this one a black cloud came over me, sent by me by the way. (I am my worst enemy)

I honestly started to get this trapped feeling. My daily routine was making me feel like i would never be able to change it. I allowed the negativity around me in every situation i was in, sink into my skin again. And the worst of it was i stopped believing in myself, i stoped motivating myself, i stoped thinking positive about me. And that might seem like really, all that Ash? lol and i have to say yes i did. The reason i started this process was to make myself better mentally. So it is that easy for me to fall back into a very dark trap. The main thing was that i lost Focus. I started doing to much stuff that didnt mean anything to me or this transformation journey i am on. The first thing that started to dwindle away was my positive energy. I couldnt see the positive in things any more. I know it sounds horrible but i let the negativity in my house, the negativity of some of the people around me get to me really badly. I let the things in my life that werent going my way seem like the end of the world. I started to think wayyyyyy to much. And that something that i realized in these past weeks that i do way to much. Yes thinking and exorcising the brain is great but the way i was doing it was horrible. Instead of thinking of why the sky is blue or about the solar system, I'm thinking about omg what if i cross the street and get hit by a car or about meeting the man of my dreams and he hurts me even before i have even met the man. Like my negativity was taking over my silent thoughts and eating away at my mind, spirit and soul. As a good friend told me when i explained this, i sound traumatized or afraid to live. What the hell am i afraid of ? This way of thinking took alot away from the amount of Belief i have in myself, my confidence, my strength.

A HUGEEEEE problem on top of not being able to keep the positive thoughts alive within myself is the fact that i have a huge problem controlling my thoughts. I think WAYYYY TOO MUCH. I OVER THINK EVERYTHING. I THINK THE NEGATIVE BEFORE IT CAN EVEN HAPPEN. I THINK ABOUT THE PAST, THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE. And i put this in caps so that you can understand how seriously annoying this is. Its almost like i cant control what my mind wants to think about. I can be in a crowd, alone whatever my mind is eating away at my feelings , my heart.

Now last weekend i went to Panama with a very good friend and some friends for a birthday celebration. Now that trip was everything i needed and then some. Although i was one of only 2 girls with like 18 "brothers" lol i had an amazing time for one particular reason. And to be completely honest it wasnt because of the beach, the open bars, the banana boat i LOVED, the parties or the beautiful tan im walking around with now. It was because of the facts that 1) my phone wasnt on the whole time and i felt GREAT, 2) everyone on the trip was a POSITIVE person (even Pete lol) and 3) I didnt over THINK ! ! . And didnt even realize all this till i got to Texas on my connecting flight and my bag was lost. And if anyone knows me they would know that i would lose all the lil bit of patience i had left when that happened. But i didnt i walked away for a second..breathed deeply once or twice..came back over and said well there is nothing i can do. I prob didnt sound to happy sayin that but i meant it and i felt ok in my heart. Waiting for the next flight everybody kept losing. Someone lost their bank card, our flight was delayed , someone else lost there luggage. Basically everybody on the trip was losing by the minute lol. Then other lady on the trip said to me " this is just god testing us". And its been a whole week and i remember her saying that. Im not very religious but watch she said smacked me. It made me want to challenge whatever that was testing me. Made me want to really work on keeping all the positive that i gained during the trip.

Its been a week and i can really say that i have bee doing well, not great but well. Things dont happen over night and after a whole 2 months without writing and believing in myself, its going to take a lil while till i get 100% back on track. But im on my way. I went back and read some of my old blogs and it made me feel good, gave me the motivation i needed to get back there to that happy place. Today and yesterday i cant lie i woke up THINKING and FRUSTRATED but had some help getting over those feelings.

to ME:
Ashley you are the strongest person you know by far. There isnt anything thats come your way that you havent handled and moved on..So whatever is in your way now shouldnt be stopping you. Remember how many positive people you can call on to share there energy with you and bring you out of those moods and thinking spells you get into.Learn to let go of the past. Your still on this journey no matter how many breaks you take in between you are still growing and on your way. Amazing on your way to Phenomenal..remember that.. i love you ... (be happy you just got your IPHONE 3GS lol)

to keinanna:
thanx... : )

Streetz:
thanx...the heart dosnt think (thats a another blog for another day lol..but its helping me more than i thought it would)

pic
me and my nephew (he always makes me laugh) lol

Thanx for listening world...MUCHO MUCHO love....Hasta luego...

How people are built? What is your purpose in life?

So today is Tuesday May 12th, 2009. And as shambled as they have me at work and as shambled as i have myself trying to edit my mini documentary i really feel the need to blog today about something...

Last night i met up with a friend of a friend for a favor. A favor that was more like a wake up call for me. So I'm doing this mini documentary for an independent research i have been doing with my used to be major advisor in college. I wanted to be creative and do something different so i said instead of a freaking book on teen pregnancy i want to do a lil documentary. I mean half of my high school graduating class has kids right now. But for the past few weeks i couldn't get a single chick to sit down for an hour and talk on camera. Everybody was so wishy washy. So thank god Jadine (friend of a friend) was able to do it. And i have met her before and have heard alot about her from my friends Angel and Inez, but of course you don't know everything till you actually sit down with a person. So we start filming and shes answering my questions and what not and as she continues my eyes start to swell up and she cries and keeps going. Her story is amazing. I mean when u hear it, you might be shocked but the fact that she is where she is now is unbelievable. Jading had her son when she was 16 or 17 after she had run away from home because her mom and home life was extremely abusive. She then proceeded to graduate valedictorian of her high school class and continued her education and has become a medical assistant all with her son who is now 4. And let me tell you when that this girl had nothing...i mean nothing and no one. Mother was extremely abusive and didn't help her not once. She worked to pay baby sitters and that's it. She slept in shelters with her son crying that he was cold. Like it has been a rough road for her and she sat in front of me so extremely proud of herself and wanting to do this documentary to make a difference.

She said one thing that inspired this blog and made me reflect again on where i am in my life. She said "it all depends on how you were built, some people can just take it and others just aren't built strong enough". That statement brought tears to my eyes. For her it was about her and her sister. They both endured the same amount of sexual and physical abuse but she took initiative and said no more. Her sister wasn't mentally capable and turned out a very different person.

For me i thought about myself and my situation. Before number 2 there were things in my life that i couldn't understand why they happened to me or why i had to endure them for so long. I even blamed myself for those things. There were times where i really really just layed in my bed and cried and secretly talked to myself (and whatever energy out there listened) and said whyyyyy...like wtf did i do wrong?

For a long time it seemed to be like a punishment from god or whatever. But not up until the last couple of years did i start realizing the reason. One day ill write a blog about the specific things I'm talking about, but for now ill just say "those things". Those things happening to anyone else would of brought there world down and took over there life. For me its made me extremely strong, so strong that i underestimate how strong i really am. I was built stronger than others and because of that i am built to make a difference. This blog of mine has mad a difference in some peoples lives, my job makes a difference in some children's life, the major i chose was teaching me how to make and understand the difference.

I was watching doctor Oz on Oprah and he was talking about living longer lives. One key thing to living longer was having a purpose to waking up and living everyday in the world. Knowing your purpose gave you a reason and positive energy everyday of your life. And honestly this morning it did make me feel good knowing that i was built strong to endure and learn from experiences and take those lessons and help others. My purpose in life is to make a difference in the life's of those who cant see the strength within themselves...how are you built and whats your purpose in life?

Whats your purpose out there??

Laterzzz Mundo...

P.S
Where the hell is FRIDAY !?!?

Mis Amigos...

Monday May 11th, 2009..oh man am i tired...very adventurous weekend for me and the reason why i am dead beat now...And yet again Ive fallen behind on the bloggin..forgive me people and i need to forgive myself lol. Ive been dead beat all last week. I try to live it up on the weekends and then that leaves me dead beat all over again ! !

I'm gonna need for Helen Keller international to stop asking me for things that take weeks the week they are due ! ! Lol gosh, they are stressing me and my boss out ! !

N e way being that my mind is in a thousand places i really haven't been able to keep up with my blog : (..... But this weekend helped me come to the topic at hand that i would like to blog about today..

FRIENDSHIP... And i know I've discussed that before but after a few events this weekend it allowed for my mind to go back and reflect and come up with some new things to say about it. Any who im just gonna go ...

If your a reader of my blog you will know that my selected group of friends are one of the most important things in my life...selected i say because i don't have many an the ones i have are very dear to my heart. So any who Friday after work i went to happy hour with my one of my sisters (the non-preggers one lol). After a couple of hours my high school friend Lynesse joined us. I have 3 girls from high school that i still communicate with and she is one of them. And we have some CRAZY high school memories, been thru alot all that. We don't speak everyday but when we come together its like we spoke 5 min ago. Nothing changes at all...its one of the most genuine friendships i have. And right now she is going thru one of the toughest times of her life. Her mom had a stroke than a brain aneurysm..it has left her almost like a vegetable. Because of the grace of god she is recovering and is in rehab now. Now lynnese comes to happy hour and mind you i haven't seen her since before this happened. She has lost all the wait in the world and looks beat. And i of course didn't know what to say but just "just drink up". I didn't want to bring it up n e more. But she stepped out to used the phone and it was taking her forever to come back. When i go outside shes sitting on a stoop crying. Now i have been friends with lynnese for 81/2 years and she has never shed a tear, not even at corny graduation. She was breaking down in front of my eyes. Crying telling me how it feels and asking me what next Ashley? And i had no answer because i did know. She was telling me that was the first time she cried since it happened. I couldn't help myself but to cry with her and yell at her saying to not ever again hold something like this is...to know that i was there for anything whenever...our night came to an end and i went home with her and kissed her on the forehead as she slept and went home.

Then Saturday it was my sisters baby shower. And my amazing friend Ayanna came. She was home bored so i said why not come and be entertained by my family lmaoo. Anyway there was a moment where i was introducing her to an uncle of mine and i said this is one of my best friends.. And she looked at me and said aww i didn't know that lol and i laughed lmaoooo. I never had like a bff when i was younger and i always thought that was like a kid thing to say but for me her and Sonia its like what it is. I'm pretty sure we have been thru the works with our friendships. They prob know me better than i know myself. We have cried together, fought together, argued and not spoken and sailed the black sea (insider) and so on...i couldn't have asked for more when those 2 come up.

Saturday night me and my brother went on a little adventure to New Paltz. And there i have my lil group of 6 friends that were my backbone during what i consider to be one of the hardest times of my little 22 years. Beautiful drunken night ended in a full blown argument, tears and insults. All in the name of alcohol. We were upset at each other, drunk and over reacted. The next day we all sat in a room and talked it out. That might seem like regular stuff to you but for me talking was harder than anything in the world. It took Jermz to get me to talk to Mike after one of the craziest things ever. I almost lost a good friend so this lil conversation in the room is like amazing to me. We sat there and got our points out and moved on... i loved it. I loved them for it and love them to death now..

Those are my friends ! ! Well with the exception of Mike ,Omar, Mak and Jermz who i don't even want to even go into our story lol and i don't think they want me to either..these are my friends. This weekend was like so key to reminding me of all my circles of friends and what we have been thru and why they mean soo much to me. Clearly for my 22 years there aren't many but they are sooo full of the qualities i lack...i love them dearly and i hope they understand that they are a huge part of my life and wouldn't trade our memories and experiences together for anything in the world. They are my blessings and hope that everyone is as lucky as me to have people like the ones i have in my life...

Just wanted to share that with them and the world..
i love u guys...

Hasta luego World....

P A N A M A TATTOOS ! !

GO OUT AND GET TESTED ! !

Hey Young World lol, Hoy es Tuesday May 5th, 2009. Cinco de MAYOOOOO ! ! WOOOOHOOOO...I honestly don't know why everyone is super excited lol. I took 5 shots of tequila earlier on the low..lol just to feel apart of the excitement but its worn off. Any who so ok i slacked again, but they give me a break it was the weekend. I never really was good at keeping up with weekend post lol. N e who I'm a lil upset right now so maybe i can start with that and then move on to my very fun and interesting weekend.

So right now a friend of mine...a good close one...just spazzed on me for not understanding there " way of thinking". And im not going to go into detail at all about the subject cuz then we really wont be friends lol...but it really frustrates me when you are really trying your hardest to understand someone and when you don't completely get it they wanna kill you for it. Mind you this persons way of thinking is so far from every way you (well me) knows. Like i cant compare it to n e other way of thinking because i never heard of any like it. So getting to understand it is even more difficult than usual. LIKE I'M TRYING DAMMIT..AND I KNOW YOUR READING THIS SO KNOW THAT I'M FREAKING TRYING JERK !! ughh sorry just venting i had to get that out there.... lol ok back to my weekend...

N e who so i spent the weekend with the bff Son-boogs. We had a blast Friday lolol downtown and sat went to her job for a free health fair. Since i graduated they snatched me off my fathers health insurance so fast lol it wasn't even funny. So i def went and got every service provided. They def had a woman there giving free HIV test and i just want to publicly announce that i am NEGATIVO again lol. Every time i take one it feels so good so i like to announce it lol. There were so many teens and people there and the lady was just sitting there with nothing to do. Everybody should of been getting tested but people were walking right past her. And i want to say that she was an awesome lady. She gave her lil speech and made you sign whatever papers and really was so genuine about her job. She made you feel very comfortable and ok with the test. I totally forgot her name but she was the best.

Anyway it just amazed me the amount of people NOT taking the test. It was free quick and confidential and you got your results right there, like with all the diseases going around in the world why wouldn't you want to be sure of your status as far as that one. IDK it just kinda made me a lil sick, in adults really. Being sexually active is a big responsibility and i can understand that kids now a days don't see it that way and make alot of mistakes, as adults we need to be better examples and really teach and show them some better morals and practices of it. I mean cmon there gonna do it n e way so we might as well show them how to keep it clean and funky free lol. This lady basically sat there the whole day and me and Sonia were the only 2 people she tested and she was about to leave when we got there. It was kinda sad to me because we were at an after school program sight, so i know alot of parents got the memo about it and it was posted all over the neighborhood and we were in the Bronx. Everybody should of been in there getting tested. Even with a positive result people are living.

I think the idea of HIV being a monstrous disease really scares the non educated minorities to being afraid of it. But cancer can do the same thing it does to your immune system. Like where manipulated to be so afraid of it, we don't even want to know if we have it or not. As a people we have to be alot smarter because its killing us off..

This is the website to the foundation the woman was working for... they over many services to people who are positive and even if your not they have alot of services you can use to just stay educated and healthy... http://www.basnyc.org/...... There called Bronx Aids Services...

But yea seriously if your reading this really think about that and go get tested..it feels good to know your status ! ! And not just for that but for everything, being healthy in every way feels so good...

Just wanted to share that today...besides that my weekend was full of drunken fun as usual lolol...

Laterzzz world...go out and get tested...

How do you heal your heart ??

Hey hey so day 2 of keeping my promise lol. Today is Friday May 1st, 2009. And it feels damn good to be writing and thinking with a clear mind again. I guess i really did have to pull back from the disrespect and refocus my attention on my self lol. Any who in conversation with someone, we discussed the process of me feeling all together better and growing. They said to me that i have to heal my heart before i can feel completely better. I really thought about it and they couldn't be more right.

I have evaluated and reevaluated the things in my life that have effected me as a person and have slowly tried to release and let them go. Even with that being done my heart is still the same. You would think it would be lighter being that i let so much go, but it hasn't gotten lighter. It hasn't gotten darker either it just is. Every hole that was made, every crack created still exist. I have spent more time getting my mental in a better state that i didn't realize that my heart is still in the same place. It starting making sense to why i still got that feeling in my chest when certain things were brought up,thought about or i saw certain people. I have to heal my heart. Mentally things are gone but that deep feeling inside isn't. Now my big question for today is how do you heal your heart?

My heart is damaged by many things but ill use the last crack in it as an example. Also because its probably one of the things that hurt me the most. So number 2 got a girl who lived downstairs from me in my door and who talked me me before this pregnant. She had an abortion and a miscarriage, so yea she was pregnant twice. After everything that transpired between us that gave me a diff feeling and still does today. Me and him aren't friends right now and prob wont ever be but i have managed to let everything else go. But that issue lingers and not really in my mind but my heart. Maybe the only people who saw how deep that hurt were the people there when i found out. But. I honestly don't think they can even imagine what i felt. It broke me point blank and that feeling in my heart is still there. Like...i really cant even explain it...it was like being on the ground holding ya stomach cuz of pain and then getting kicked in the face.

How do u let that feeling on top of so many others go from your heart. And i say feelings because the ideas of them i let go, the photo in my head of that moment i have let go, the memory is almost gone, but the feelings still linger. How ?? Someone please tell me how?? Ive been positive, I've forgiven, I've moved on all the necessary to be healed and i cant get my heart to do the same. I want everyone who can and want to to respond with some ideas because this is affecting important and valuable relationships in my life. I have brought myself to believe that i wont be able to love things or any one again. I see myself pushing people who have good intentions away and its because of the state of my heart right now. I want help, like i dont know what else to do to fix whats going on inside my chest : /...

laterzz world

i hope to come back to some suggestions or just stories of your own experience that can help me with mine....

P A N A M A ! ! (thats for you mike lol)

Deep Breathe: IM BACKKKK ! !

WOW HELLO BLOGGER TODAY IS THURSDAY APRIL 30TH, 2009.Ok so this is LONG and WAYYYY over due. I don't even want to look at the last date i wrote a blog. I'm actually very disappointed in myself for forgetting the original purpose of it and letting myself do exactly what i mentioned in the beginning, i know i would do. I had gotten to a place where i thought i healed a good amount ( and believe me i did) but it wasn't a complete process.

I let the stresses of my new job and what i thought was my new found healed self de-rail me from my good track of healing. At work they exhausted me with cases from 2006 and 7 when were in 2009. Also with going on site to see 68 kids a day, and believe me don't get me wrong the i am EXTREMELY grateful to have a job but i think it was the reality of the everyday routine that assisted in depressing me. I love what i do and have no regrets doing it but it got to me. The desk the papers everything. I know i wont be at this same job forever but it just was like ugh what is this. Then that idea lead to me needing a break and a reminder of the fantasy life. I took almost a month away from my blog to hang with my friends. I went to my almamauter and "lost my respect" as my friends and I say. And that felt amazing but every sunday i came back to the reality of my situation, real life. And here i started to realize again how unhealed i really am. How taking this break from my helpful blogging set me back so much from the positive place i was. I feel like i let myself down so much as well as the people who looked for new blogs everyday....I'm sorry to you out there and I'm sorry to you Ashley ( yea I'm talking to myself so what).

Now this next paragraph is to myself. I find it very helpful to talk to myself, its like I'm my own trainer, hype man, whatever it might seem crazy but it helps me and make sense to me. Ok so here i go:
Ashley Ashley Ashley lol what have we done now! ! Don't be sad,depressed angry just really get focused again and don't allow yourself to dwell in those feelings. I know you worked hard to get to where u did, so your just gonna have to work ever harder now to get back there. Its a process of humbling yourself and realization. Bring your head back down to the ground and realize what it is you need to work on and work. You have done everything else on your own so you can do this on your own. Please just refocus, make some new goals and begin. Life is only has hard as you make it for yourself. Be productive and try to find that positive spirit within you again. Once you find the positive the good will follow. Always remember i love you and will never let you fall..its me and you..

I know that probably sounds or looks nuts but it helps me...NO JUDGING on this blog ! !

I would love to try and recap whats been going on in my life during the missing blogs but its been sooooooooooo much. Bad and good and i cant remember it all. As i said i have been a lil stressed at work and have been having the time of my life with my WE HERE crew of friends. Oh i am completely booked for my trip to panama in July ! ! And i sooo cant wait. I applied for a job in a high school working with teenagers and actually got a call back, I'm waiting for there interview schedule so i can pick a time to go in and strut my stuff lol. I'm really excited about that.

I guess i can discuss what brought me back to the blog. I was getting this feeling of not knowing myself again. I don't know if that is understandable to you guys out there but i guess ill try to explain. For me this blog was for me to understand myself and heal myself. Find a positive place and outlet and allow myself to grow thru it. And in the past month that i missed out on this blog i found myself becoming as introverted as i was when i first started this blog. I saw and felt the pains of the past affecting me again in my everyday life and it disgusted me and i didn't like it. I guess i can say that i have grown enuff to realize that they are affecting me again but i didn't grow enough to not let it affect me, so I'm back and I'm so sad i left. Writing is the easiest way for me to put myself back in a positive place and Ive been hiding from it. No more hiding because i need some positivity in my life.

In the past month my transformation and growth has come to a complete stop. I let myself down and gave up on myself pretty. I thought i was good when i wasn't. This weekend i want to really focus on making some goals for myself and getting on the transformation track again. I know I'm worth it and i deserve it so i must do it....

laterzzz mundo ( and i do mean soon later like tomorrow because i will smack myself if i miss a day now)

IMM BACKKKKK ! !

Scattered Thoughts

Well I'm really tired right now but for some reason i have the urge to write. So i will. Today is March 23, 2009. Today i was grateful for the blog i wrote yesterday. It kinda helped me get back on a certain track and also help some people i know (Well from what they told me lol).

This morning i was super excited because i started the case manager portion of my job. Although they smacked me in the face with cases all the way from December : /, i was super excited because this is my life's work. This is a great step into what i want to do for some time in my life. Although its for Helen Keller so that means its about there eyes and ears, one day it will be about there home life, their reason to why there missing school, why are they fighting..etc. I'm just happy to have this opportunity to get my feet wet. I have my own desk, phone line extension lol, computer, email lol it made me feel a certain lol. I was excited for the most part, but like i said the girl who bounced definitely let me with a handful.

Today i also was reminded of the idea that you cant help people unless they want help. I have been through a lot and because of that, there are certain things that i will not tolerate to see others go through. Like it gets under my skin, for example the blog yesterday. I wrote that because someone close to me is living for everybody and not themselves. Now today i realized with that same person that sometimes you cant lend out a helping hand if they don't want to grab it. Yes sometimes people are scared, comfortable in there situations and they dont want it to change. But then sometimes they are crying out for help and want it to change. But how do you know if they dont clearly say "i need help" ? Who are you to make that decision? I felt like that today fr a little while, like maybe i over stepped my boundries, but then again i felt like i will not allow people around me to be in unhealthy situations. If they wont let me do it, i wont let them do it. I dont know...it just made me so sick today. I started to think of the feeling i had when i was doing what they were doing, and how i knew i wasnt happy. I denied help during that time too, i acted like it was kool..but it wasnt and i was soo grateful that the people around me didnt give up. So i wont give up either....

And did anyone ever watch Degrassi? Remember Jimmy, the token black kid that got shot and is in a wheel chair (on the show). That kid is a rapper lmaooo. Like since when, I'm super late lmao my lil brother put me on. And you know he sounds actually almost good lol. So far gone is the name of his mix tape lol and i actually like it. Just wanted to share that because it made me laugh today lolololol...like who the hell does he think he is lmaooo

Anyway my eyes are drying out on me and i have to be up at seven..

laterzzz mundo