Lesson for the week..

Hey hey hey...Today is Sunday March 8th, 2009. I know i know i slacked of completely this weekend. But i did mention before that weekend blogs are unlikely, but my apologies for Fridays missing blog : /. Please forgive me lol. Anyway i want to just say what i learned about myself last week, what is my lesson for the week. After much review and even some situations from the weekend my second life lesson for me is knowing your ability to grow; growth.

This week i looked over my blogs very often. Sometimes i re-read what i write so i can really understand again for myself and reevaluated. And i have realized how much I've grown in such lil time. I am completely amazed at the things i am saying to myself and to whoever is reading. I would of never thought i can get to a point like this one, where i am now. I started this journey because i couldn't anymore, i couldn't live with so much anger in my heart. I wasn't really concerned with growing. I really didn't know if i could. I just wanted to make sure i can let all these things of my chest. I always wanted the quick fix, like counseling for a day or to get things off my chest and then keep it moving. I realized change only changes the face value of your situation. But deep down, whatever it is your running from is still there. Growth allows you to go thru the stages of realization and really over come whatever obstacle it is holding you back and put it behind you. I have realized the growth in myself and my ability to do it. And honestly i never thought i could, i thought angry was something that i was born to live with. But not anymore. Now I'm looking at myself and seeing the actually good person inside. People always want to change this or change that, change there situation. I think we should focus more on growing up and out of our lil situations and becoming the really influential, bright and talented people we are. Take the steps to really believe in yourself enough to give yourself the chance to be a better version of yourself. Don't become idle and get comfortable in nonsense. Now that you can work on growing and learning and that you have the ability to do so. It will only lead to a better, brighter, phenomenal you....



Shout out to Tippies pajama party....ahhhhh i had soo much fun! ! lol


laterzzzzz mundo

Weaknesses? No way ! !

HEY HEY everyone, today is March 5, 2009 and it is a beautiful day. This entry is coming pretty early than usual. I finished the temp job that was assigned to me yesterday so i didn't have much to do today. I actually had an interview this morning that, i believe, went really when. And if it didn't go well enough to get me the job, it still was a good conversation and allowed me to retrospect on some things.

Well this isn't going to be to long today but i think its a good message and something everyone should think about. So as you all know i graduated and have been having a hard time landing a job. But i have been on a number of interviews and besides the fact that they didn't hire me, lololol, they all had something else in common. On every interview i went to the same questioned was asked, " What do you think some of your weaknesses are?". And honestly early in my interviewing career i would have an answer to that question and name some random things just answer the question, but today was different. The sun was up while i was walking to the train, warming my fat lil cheeks. It warmed me up inside and out. This morning i checked my blog and read all of them over for some reason. It just made me feel so good. So when the lady asked me that question it took me a while to answer, because after reading my blogs, counseling the day before, the reflections i have when reading responses, i really began to see the strength in myself. Even though the questions they always ask is work related, i felt everything i have been through applies to every aspect of my life. After all the things i have dealt with in my 22 years of life and everything I'm doing now, how can i possibly have any weaknesses. I am stronger than most can ever imagine, and have the determination of a crackhead looking for that last quarter to get there fix lmaooooooooo. No but seriously i sat in front of the woman and said " if you think of weaknesses you will have weaknesses, i don't think of them so there for i don't have any.There isn't anything i cant handle or learn...i made it this far and its only the beginning". And she said to me that's a great answer. For me it felt amazing to say that and really actually feel it. I know someone out there knows what i mean by that. We say things everyday just to sound good or make others believe, but when you actually believe it, it feels amazing. And i walked out that interview feeling unstoppable.

I want everyone who reads this blog to stop thinking of weakness, if you never have then great, but if you do than stop. Believe enough in yourself to think better of yourself and the things your capable of. One of my best friends Sonia used to always say to culture shock (best dance family/team in the world) stop saying the word "cant", you can! Just try, practice, and get better!! And today i realized how that should be applied to every aspect of life. Really always give the best you can from you for you and no one else. I always had an issue of comparing myself to others but today was like another awakening moment. I was born to live for me and by comparing myself to others I'm not giving my self a fighting chance. Well this is another pledge to myself to begin the process of not doubting myself and comparing myself to others. It only stunts your growth as a person and i am trying to grow till I'm beyond the stars....

To Sonia:
You are amazing and phenomenal in every sense of the word, great friend, sister and teacher and i am especially proud to have you in my life..i love u punta bean (omg remember that lolol )

To Lori:
I know you want to grow taller than your short 5'6 lol so stop comparing yourself or allowing yourself to be compared to others...it stunts your growth to be the amazing young king u are lol...

March for Gratitude
March 5th, 2009 i am grateful for Danity Kane's second album; for the smile it puts on my face and the memories it created..Also because when i left that interview that was the album playing and it made me feel sooo good ! !

Laterzzz world

Almost forgot my march for gratitude...

real quick i almost forgot today again

MARCH 3RD, 2009 Grateful for my parents. As much as they have affected me emotionally. I am a very very strong lady because of them and i appreciate that more than anything

MARCH 4TH, 2009 Grateful for hot showers in the morning or anytime of the day for that matter lol...

The Core

Hola mi gente lol, today is Wednesday March 4,2009. Oh man today was long, i am finally done stuffing those damn envelopes at that temp job. I was losing my mind looking at all those envelopes lol. Today started of amazing tho because i went to counseling, and evertime i leave there i feel lighter.

There are 2 things that i kinda want to blog about today, they are both about the blog. Today while talking to my shrink lol (saying shrink makes me giggle), i told him about my blog. Last Tuesdays was when i started it so he didn't know about it. He was very excited and glad to know i was using one of my favorite past times to learn more about myself and heal from the inside out. He asked what i write about, who reads it, who responds, and i answered all his questions without a problem until he asked me if my parents read it. Now that one question made my eyes swell up with tears. In my 2 week blog and a whole month of counseling i have realized one of the biggest issues in my life, my parents. I don't want to make them seem like monsters and unfit parents because i am 22 and i am healthy and on the right track, but emotionally they were my kryptonite. After reading my blogs over again today, i saw almost in everyone they are the core of the issue, the bad example, the reason. And this blog helped me get that answer, and thats why the tears swelled up. I dont want to read about how they emotionally broke me sometimes. I dont want to make them feel any less of a parent. I dont want to start arguments about how i am being ungrateful for what i have, but at the bottom line is my anger and depression stems from the unhappiness in my life. And alot of that unhappiness comes from the relationship with my parents, there is no going around it. He also said to me," Your parents dont know you very well or at all in this point in your life", and that also brought me to tears. I corrected him and said i dont think there was ever a time they really knew me. They might know my reaction to things, what i might do or want but they dont really know me. Especially now, they definitely dont know me, they prob think i can never be less angry and less ms.attitude Ashley than i have every been. It hurts to come to terms with that, its hurts alot but its my truth. They dont know me. I dont know if they ever will. They are older and this is how they were raised, Now if my parents saw all the anger, depression and rage they have n themselves and went to counseling or even just acknowledged it i would love for them to read, and become followers of my blog. But for now my answer is no i dont want them reading it. My responsibility is to myself and gettin Ashley to a better place emotionally and mentally and i am doing that with or without them. Honestly sometimes i wish they knew or asked why i am going to counseling...but you cant get everything you want...

Now after counseling while i was stuffing envelopes a friend of mine from years back asked hit me up on aim. I was his co-counselor in high school at this after school job i had. And the convo went like this:
reyeseerohsee: how are you able to be so open in that blog?
ashezfromdasun: Ummm I don't know...
ashezfromdasun: I have to I feel the need to
ashezfromdasun: And I love writing
reyeseerohsee: do u think that since its just u and your mac, it doesnt seem like its you posting stuff, that you normally would keep inside, to potentially millions of people
ashezfromdasun: No I know people read it
ashezfromdasun: And I don't mind
reyeseerohsee: but im reading todays blog and u talk about having a difficult time expressing yourself... y r u able to post that stuff
ashezfromdasun: Its not an issue expressin myself its an issue talkin to people close to me about issues..I am very clear on expressin myself
reyeseerohsee: ok
ashezfromdasun: To n e body I'm very outspoken but not when it comes toserious shit no
reyeseerohsee: i feel bad
ashezfromdasun: For who?
reyeseerohsee: in general...
ashezfromdasun: Why?
reyeseerohsee: i feel like when we worked together that year, me trying to fuck, led to us having a trash working relationship, and i could have really been there for you
ashezfromdasun: Well don't worry about lol I don't want n e one being sorry for me at all
ashezfromdasun: That's not what the blog is for
ashezfromdasun: Its so people can understand and I can understand myself better
reyeseerohsee: well, i kno the blog is for you... but u cant anticipate peoples reactions
reyeseerohsee: i knew something was wrong back then, ...but u were too mean to me lol... but i brought that upon myself
ashezfromdasun: Well don't aticapate n e thing
ashezfromdasun: Just read and understand
reyeseerohsee: lol
ashezfromdasun: Peoples reactions have been uplifting and helpful
reyeseerohsee: dont tell me what to do before i come up there and take ur knees out
ashezfromdasun: Whatever see there u go
reyeseerohsee: nah but, you're doing a good thing
ashezfromdasun: Thank you
ashezfromdasun: I know I am I feel it
reyeseerohsee: just understand, and i think you do after reading about ur friends away message, that with it comes a responsibility
reyeseerohsee: some teenage girl from your building may stumble upon it, and it may help her
ashezfromdasun: I know I have responsibility to me and the people who read and don't mind at all lending out a helping hand
reyeseerohsee: nah cuz on some real shit you could easily b on some, i need to find a job, and fuck everything else
reyeseerohsee: so yeah, im feelin what u doin
ashezfromdasun: Thanx ricky
ashezfromdasun: I hope u keep readin
ashezfromdasun: It might help you one day
reyeseerohsee: i will
reyeseerohsee: it already did
ashezfromdasun: Aww well good I'm glad I helped

I want to make this clear again this blog isnt me asking for sympathy or for people feel bad about what ive been thru..This blog is for ME, ASHLEY SOLEIL not anyone else. I am writing to understand myself better and allow myself to transform into something phenomenal. Everyday i get a deeper look into myself and learn more of who i am to become. If i want anyone to feel anything, i want it to be happiness, i want them to be proud and excited for me on my journey. Now as i said to my friend, i know i have taken on a responsibility to people who read and use me as an example and ask for help or advice. I am here to help and guide if someone needs it without hesitation, god knows i needed guidance, so i would never turn down anyone else. If my blog is helping you find things in yourself, than im happy for you and your welcome. Your responses help me reflect and humble myself even more than i am doing and i love you all for it..keep reading there is soo much more to come....

To my readers and responders:
thank you for reading and responding, your responses sometimes bring me to tears and put huge smiles on my face. you guys are a reflection of me and vise versa so were pretty much amazing people from what i see...i love u and thanx again...

laterzzzz world

Army of One : Learning to Trust

Hello there ( said in British accent lol), today is March 3, 2009. I am tired as all hell and have tremendous back pain. Temp Job has had me stuffing envelopes and my fingers hurt, but i am going to pull thru and write this blog today for me and you.....especially you since you inspired it.

So today I'm talking to a friend of mine, fairly a brand new friend but surprisingly we have alot in common. After a few conversations i see that this person is me at the age of 18, with a few differences but the attitude is almost exactly the same, not healthy attitude . I'm 22 so i look at this person and see the amount of change I've gone through, so i love talking to them and helping them see things faster than i did. Any who i guess this morning wasn't a good start for this person and there away message was " Auto response: class til 130 i hold my tongue behind this smile like I'm fine". Oh man this really frustrated me and pissed me off. I tell this person all the time how unhealthy it is to not speak up or to anyone when your this angry. But a small piece of my anger was because i totally understood why they would do that.

Since it was always world war 3 in my house i spent alot of time locked up in my room with the radio blasted.. My parents were to busy arguing, disrespecting each other, cursing each others names out so my room was my sanctuary. I know you've heard the phrase " if these walls could talk", yea well if my room walls could talk they would know all of my secrets.My pillows have been drenched me with all my tears and till this day i refuse to give them up, they never let me down. There was never dinner at the table or a how was school?...we just walked in and went to our rooms or sat in front of the TV to watch our favorite shows, but never really talked. It was so uncomfortable trying to talk, it didn't seem natural but forced. For me, i just never tried to talk. I was already angry at all the arguing, why would i even trust the people who were supposed to be "mommy and daddy when they were to busy bringing the worst out of each other right in front of there kids. I trusted no one because even people close to me hurt me tremendously. I hated it, i still hate it now. But because of this reason i spent alot of time alone, i emotionally raised myself in my room and did it quickly because i had a younger brother to help. No special relationship with mom, no daddy's lil girl (even tho he might think so, No). I just became un trust worthy of everyone and trusted only myself because i did everything for myself, i talked to myself, i figured out right and wrong alone, i made mistakes and dealt with the consequences...anything you can think of i handled it alone. There was a point where i was having anxiety attacks alone because i was soo stressed out alone. At one point my maternal grandmother, who had early stages of Alzheimer's disappeared for 13 days. She was at a party and couldn't remember who way home so she just kept walking. Those were the longest days of my life, and my had my good ol pillows to catch my tears, No one else but me and them in my room. No communication in my house what so ever, probably the quietest it ever was. There was no arguing, but even something worse, there was silence. My mother cried and that was the first time i ever saw her do so and mind you i was 16. So everyday i went to my room and cried and cried and cried myself till i went to sleep,alone. All of this built up and led me to anger management that was prescribed by my school. My guidance counselor Holly which i will never forget asked me what was wrong one day and i cried. I didn't know about what but i cried with some serious emotion or sufrimiento as Spanish people say, one thing led to another and i was in anger management. Abigail was my counselors name and i spent a hour a week with her for a year and told her absolutely nothing about myself. Then another year in a group counseling session with her and like 7 chicks and said absolutely nothing. It was such a waste of her time and mine because i learned nothing but to count up to 3 when i got mad. I sometimes wanted to tell her but didn't . What makes u think i would talk to her if i couldn't even talk to the people i was supposed to trust.

When i went to the shrink for the first time 4 weeks ago he said something to me explained how i felt when i went. He said i looked like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode before i started to speak. For me, i felt like i was going to throw up and wanted to walk out, almost like i was regretting what i was doing. The only time i have really reached out for help was with infamous number 2. He is prob the only other person on the planet that knows everything about me and even in that situation i lost all trust. I learned alot about myself but the trust was gone, of course. And there i was to the point of losing it and people saw and actually cared. They reached out and made the effort and didn't let me lose it alone.

This has continued my whole life. All the way till now. I have never trusted a damn soul to tell them anything. Even the people reading, i know some of you are my closest friends and believe me you are and i love you but sometimes i cant even open my mouth to tell you the words... It kills me not to be able to, It's extremely difficult for me to trust with my deep dark secrets, i think its more me being afraid. I don't trust a soul and I'm surrounded with beautiful people who i know have my best interest in heart, better than my pillows at home, and still it cant. Some one always said to me you have friends talk to them.. Well how when u sometimes don't trust the outcome..its the deepest issue I have and i am working on it i really am, i just hope this helps make more sense to some who don't understand some of the reasons i am the way i am.

Even right now as i write this there is an argument going on between me and my father about his negativity. And i am writing and telling you about it and I'm crying because although my frame of thinking has changed, the situation that made me like this hasn't...Its a battle between getting better and trusting and the 4 walls i have in my room and myself. I'm in my room right now doing what i have always done instead of crying to my pillows..crying to my mac and all of you thru a blog....hey Its a start right?...

To you:
Now do you see why that away message frustrated me...you have the opportunity to talk then talk. Don't let it eat you up inside till you physically and mentally cant take it anymore...It's extremely unhealthy and can mess up relationships with people who have your best interest at heart whether you want to believe it or not..

To my friends:
Please don't think that because i cant talk, you don't know me. You know me very well actually. There are just certain issues and situations that i have learned to keep to myself...that's just how its always been. Might not be healthy but its always worked.. and I'm trying to change that...I love you guys for always being, there not only in time of need, but just there so that i learned what it was like to not be alone, all of you....thank you


Laterzzz world..... : /

Dont Judge a book by its cover....

Hello there my people, Today is March 2, 2009. I have been beating my brain out trying to figure out how to write my blog today. So if i confuse you lol know that I'm sorry and i probably confused myself. But ill do my best lol.

Well today i was really in deep thought about judgment or more the act of judging someone. I know each and everyone of us has succumbed to this act weather we want to say we have or not..we have, deal with it. We live in a society where a stereotype is a judgment that lets us judge someone by the color of there skin or the clothes they wear...

This might seem surprising coming from me but i want the word judgement or judge to be out of my vocabulary completely. i know things don't happen over night but im going to commit myself to try and get rid of this action and word for real. I spent all day temping in an office where hey had me stuffing like 3000 envelopes, and during this time i couldn't figure out why the hell do people judge or why do we judge ourselves. Where does this idea, action, word come from? I wanted to understand the origin to understand how to get rid of it. This weekend i spent the night in my great friend Sonia's house but right before i did that i drove around in a car with Thierry (another friend). Thierry is apart of the dance company Sonia has been working on called Urban Dance Alliance. I took the time out with him to take a ride to Queens and back and it was one of the best things i did that weekend. We sat in the car and spoke about the company. At one point we talked about the state of the company and why it was like that. Immediately it came down, of course, to the people in it. Now if anyone from the outside looking in got one glimpse they would think UDA was a pack of loonies that can really really dance lol. They definitely are a really colorful group with many characters but they consider each other the closes family they will ever have. They are ride or die for each other no matter what. I am not apart of UDA but spent some time here and there and did what i now regret doing, but i judged them. I asked thierry why must they act like that sometimes, why the fighting , why the lack of communication, there so talented. He simply explained to me that these dancers are very talented and could dance behind beyonce and out shine her any day but they come from broken homes, some have crackheads for mothers, no fathers, foster kids, rejected by there family because of their sexuality and the list goes on. He said, they grow up in all the negativity and even when they find something that they love and are passionate for they cant let go of the bullshit that runs in there everyday lives when they are at practice. How can you judge them when you don't know?I thought about that and felt like damn...hes right. How could i have done that without knowing. In court, the judge makes a judgement after hearing hours and days of evidence. How can us as people do the same in only one look. I started to think about how much i hated when people would say i thought you were bitch. They judged me by the look i had on my face when i walked around campus or something they saw me do once or something they heard from someone else. No good solid evidence basically. I of course have been guilty of doing the same to others, and only today after all these thoughts did it disgust me.

Now i thought long and hard about where does this come from. And after thinking about it all day i figured it out for me. Now I'm not saying this is the solution for everyone, but as far as me i think this was the problem and this can be apart of my solution. For me i think knowing myself completely. For me judgment was apart of my ignorance of self and situations around me. Clearly before this transition in my life, i lived like everything was fine, when clearly for a long time it hasn't been. I grew up and have lived with alot of anger, insecurities and confidence issues and i used those to feed the judgments of people around me. By the first angry look i gave people i had them set in my mind. I even took judgments on myself very harshly, wondering why i am the same age as this person and not doing what there doing, putting myself on a level system with people who are not even like me in any way. Lately i have been realizing so much about myself in every part of my life, and this has left me with no time to judge others. I have been extremely busy learning who Ashley is and why , it has left me nothing but feelings of positivity. To me Judgments come from negativity, ignorance and not knowing. Knowing the reality of my own road has taken away the ignorance that i have when it came down to understanding others struggles. If i didn't even understand mine how can i even attempt to regard theres. Along with knowing yourself comes the great characteristics of compassion and humbleness. Well for me it has, when i judged it was like i didn't care or have respect for that person because i was soo much better. Who the hell did i think i was, up until 3 weeks ago i was a step away from being the president of shamble city. Really taking a real deep look into myself has brought me back down to earth where everyone is on a bumpy road about to fall off, why should i or anyone else be the one to push them.

Right now i am pledging to myself that i will not try as a matter a fact i just don't want to judge. I think its soo ugly and shows weakness withing yourself and the ignorance u have to not see past things you hear or see. I want to start worrying about how i can be better and then how i can help the next person. I know it might seem very hard but i am very strong and adamant about the things i want in my life right now. Positivity is one so judgment has to go. And why do something to others that i don't want done to me. So many people I've met have been astonished to realize that i am a cool person lol, they spent to much time judging me how ironic lol, but sometimes i did give that stink face (that's a whole new blog) lol. But anyway this is something I'm doing for me and if you feel the same feel free to tell me about it. I really believe that once people just humble themselves and know who they are they wont need to judge but learn to respect another human for being human first before they give them a label.

To Woman:
We are extremely harsh on each other and if we all stopped being insecure, and took time to really learn ourselves, respect ourselves, we would realize that we are all going thru the same struggle. Some of us more than others. Instead of judging try and ask questions or help someone realize there worth instead of taking it from them.

The saying goes don't judge a book by its cover, but at the same time make sure you know own book very well.....

March 2nd, March for Gratitude
Today i am Grateful for my period lol...I'm not going to explain that one lol...just know I'm grateful for it...

Laterzzz Mundo

March to Gratitude

Hey hey heyyyyy, today is Sunday March 1st, 2009 everyone. I know i slacked for a day : ( sorry guys but it was Saturday lol. I kinda took my lesson for the week and ran with it. I was living my little heart out on Saturday night with my girls Sonia and Shanae lol, leaving me with no voice unfortunately.

Any who today is the first day of a new month, an open door to a new beginning. Its also Sunday so again this blog will be quick. I know you lucky people with jobs have to work and you Lucky students with class, have class lol. Anyway back to today's subject, so my new found blog has brought about so much positive energy from my friends. One in particular caught my attention with a great idea that will keep up the flow of positive energy i am already receiving. My H.E.R.E (h.e.r.e will be discussed in a later blog) brother Angel had an amazing idea. Angel and the rest of my friends are still in New Paltz struggling to keep the positive energy flowing, so he decided to come up with something to remind them of the things they are grateful for. For every day you wake up you must write down something you are grateful for. Once you write it down tape it to your wall at home or in your office. Where ever you are going to see it the most. As the month goes by you will have a good amount of things posted up on the wall reminding you to be positive. At the end of the month you will have a wall full of things that you don't remember to keep in mind on a regular bases. Everyday we lose sight of the things that we should be happy for because of all the negative things that surrounds us. Leading us to focus on the negative all he time, for example you wake up mad because you have to walk in the cold to the train, which is probably a block away. But you never realize how lucky you are to have the legs to actually walk to that train. This project will help us to see a little bit more of the positive in our lives. This project is called MARCH TO GRATITUDE !

So today is March 1, 2009 and i am grateful for my FRIENDS. This morning i woke up in one of my best friends, Sonia's bed with her laying across my legs and like 10 people on the living room floor. The night before was full of monologues, getting buck lol, shots, speeches, a whole lot of pictures and huge burst of laughter till 6 in the morning. The week prior to this i spent everyday writing this blog and mentioning my friends in every posting and then shedding a tear because of their responses. This Friday i spent the day with my friends Delaila and Courtney, talking, napping and laughing. My friends are my family, my happiness, my life....pretty much everything. They are the reason i have made it where i am today and are some of the reason why i am going where I'm going now. Without these suckers i would be lost lol and wouldn't trade them for anything or anyone in this world. They are different in every way and bring out the best in each other and me.

Today i take the time out to be grateful for my FRIENDS, saying i appreciate everything you guys have done for me and I love you more than life itself....

I hope you (the reader) take the time out to try this. It can only lead to positivity and reawaken you to the things we all take for granted everyday.

Laterzzzz sukkaz