WOW HELLO BLOGGER TODAY IS THURSDAY APRIL 30TH, 2009.Ok so this is LONG and WAYYYY over due. I don't even want to look at the last date i wrote a blog. I'm actually very disappointed in myself for forgetting the original purpose of it and letting myself do exactly what i mentioned in the beginning, i know i would do. I had gotten to a place where i thought i healed a good amount ( and believe me i did) but it wasn't a complete process.
I let the stresses of my new job and what i thought was my new found healed self de-rail me from my good track of healing. At work they exhausted me with cases from 2006 and 7 when were in 2009. Also with going on site to see 68 kids a day, and believe me don't get me wrong the i am EXTREMELY grateful to have a job but i think it was the reality of the everyday routine that assisted in depressing me. I love what i do and have no regrets doing it but it got to me. The desk the papers everything. I know i wont be at this same job forever but it just was like ugh what is this. Then that idea lead to me needing a break and a reminder of the fantasy life. I took almost a month away from my blog to hang with my friends. I went to my almamauter and "lost my respect" as my friends and I say. And that felt amazing but every sunday i came back to the reality of my situation, real life. And here i started to realize again how unhealed i really am. How taking this break from my helpful blogging set me back so much from the positive place i was. I feel like i let myself down so much as well as the people who looked for new blogs everyday....I'm sorry to you out there and I'm sorry to you Ashley ( yea I'm talking to myself so what).
Now this next paragraph is to myself. I find it very helpful to talk to myself, its like I'm my own trainer, hype man, whatever it might seem crazy but it helps me and make sense to me. Ok so here i go:
Ashley Ashley Ashley lol what have we done now! ! Don't be sad,depressed angry just really get focused again and don't allow yourself to dwell in those feelings. I know you worked hard to get to where u did, so your just gonna have to work ever harder now to get back there. Its a process of humbling yourself and realization. Bring your head back down to the ground and realize what it is you need to work on and work. You have done everything else on your own so you can do this on your own. Please just refocus, make some new goals and begin. Life is only has hard as you make it for yourself. Be productive and try to find that positive spirit within you again. Once you find the positive the good will follow. Always remember i love you and will never let you fall..its me and you..
I know that probably sounds or looks nuts but it helps me...NO JUDGING on this blog ! !
I would love to try and recap whats been going on in my life during the missing blogs but its been sooooooooooo much. Bad and good and i cant remember it all. As i said i have been a lil stressed at work and have been having the time of my life with my WE HERE crew of friends. Oh i am completely booked for my trip to panama in July ! ! And i sooo cant wait. I applied for a job in a high school working with teenagers and actually got a call back, I'm waiting for there interview schedule so i can pick a time to go in and strut my stuff lol. I'm really excited about that.
I guess i can discuss what brought me back to the blog. I was getting this feeling of not knowing myself again. I don't know if that is understandable to you guys out there but i guess ill try to explain. For me this blog was for me to understand myself and heal myself. Find a positive place and outlet and allow myself to grow thru it. And in the past month that i missed out on this blog i found myself becoming as introverted as i was when i first started this blog. I saw and felt the pains of the past affecting me again in my everyday life and it disgusted me and i didn't like it. I guess i can say that i have grown enuff to realize that they are affecting me again but i didn't grow enough to not let it affect me, so I'm back and I'm so sad i left. Writing is the easiest way for me to put myself back in a positive place and Ive been hiding from it. No more hiding because i need some positivity in my life.
In the past month my transformation and growth has come to a complete stop. I let myself down and gave up on myself pretty. I thought i was good when i wasn't. This weekend i want to really focus on making some goals for myself and getting on the transformation track again. I know I'm worth it and i deserve it so i must do it....
laterzzz mundo ( and i do mean soon later like tomorrow because i will smack myself if i miss a day now)
IMM BACKKKKK ! !
