Hey hey so day 2 of keeping my promise lol. Today is Friday May 1st, 2009. And it feels damn good to be writing and thinking with a clear mind again. I guess i really did have to pull back from the disrespect and refocus my attention on my self lol. Any who in conversation with someone, we discussed the process of me feeling all together better and growing. They said to me that i have to heal my heart before i can feel completely better. I really thought about it and they couldn't be more right.
I have evaluated and reevaluated the things in my life that have effected me as a person and have slowly tried to release and let them go. Even with that being done my heart is still the same. You would think it would be lighter being that i let so much go, but it hasn't gotten lighter. It hasn't gotten darker either it just is. Every hole that was made, every crack created still exist. I have spent more time getting my mental in a better state that i didn't realize that my heart is still in the same place. It starting making sense to why i still got that feeling in my chest when certain things were brought up,thought about or i saw certain people. I have to heal my heart. Mentally things are gone but that deep feeling inside isn't. Now my big question for today is how do you heal your heart?
My heart is damaged by many things but ill use the last crack in it as an example. Also because its probably one of the things that hurt me the most. So number 2 got a girl who lived downstairs from me in my door and who talked me me before this pregnant. She had an abortion and a miscarriage, so yea she was pregnant twice. After everything that transpired between us that gave me a diff feeling and still does today. Me and him aren't friends right now and prob wont ever be but i have managed to let everything else go. But that issue lingers and not really in my mind but my heart. Maybe the only people who saw how deep that hurt were the people there when i found out. But. I honestly don't think they can even imagine what i felt. It broke me point blank and that feeling in my heart is still there. Like...i really cant even explain it...it was like being on the ground holding ya stomach cuz of pain and then getting kicked in the face.
How do u let that feeling on top of so many others go from your heart. And i say feelings because the ideas of them i let go, the photo in my head of that moment i have let go, the memory is almost gone, but the feelings still linger. How ?? Someone please tell me how?? Ive been positive, I've forgiven, I've moved on all the necessary to be healed and i cant get my heart to do the same. I want everyone who can and want to to respond with some ideas because this is affecting important and valuable relationships in my life. I have brought myself to believe that i wont be able to love things or any one again. I see myself pushing people who have good intentions away and its because of the state of my heart right now. I want help, like i dont know what else to do to fix whats going on inside my chest : /...
laterzz world
i hope to come back to some suggestions or just stories of your own experience that can help me with mine....
P A N A M A ! ! (thats for you mike lol)
You're right...
ReplyDeleteNo one can imagine how you felt, they can only assume. And for those who have already experienced something like that might have sort of an idea.
...Just want to see if some words of encouragement from me could possibly help...
I thought you were mad cool from jump and you were one of the most down to earth people I knew from high school. So to read your blogs and see how much you have endured over the years, I have great respect for you.
And I'm not even quite sure how it feels for you to hear something coming from someone who is younger than you (me) and someone who might come off as a little less experienced (me). But imma keep on going cause it's worth a shot. I don't know much about your situation, I've only read your blogs, but I hope that you can get something out of what you are about to read.
You said that "Every hole that was made, every crack created still exists." Well in my opinion, if you get those holes and cracks filled with the good shit in life, you'd be able to breathe a lot easier.
THESE FEELINGS are hurting you so convert THESE FEELINGS into an experience and just an experience alone, nothing more. and becuase of this, now you know what to expect or you get a sense of what you can get out of other situations.
And be patient, it takes time to progress. Someone could possibly come along and trigger better feelings and take your feelings to a whole new different level. I am no therapist and you have probably heard something like this or more from your friends already, but this is just all coming from someone (me) who was in a crazy ass situation with a number 2 also.
My feelings and experience from my number 2 gave me the insight to make better decisions from here on out. And you know how they say "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened", so for you, "take a sad song and make it better."
Number 2 is a part of your life, there's no doubt about that. He's partially responsible for your growth. Those feelings may or may not linger from here on out because that's just the way it is. Don't spend all of your time trying to lose the feelings, for now just work with and around them. I think they'll naturally subside. And thank God you feel, it could be worse. And on top of that, without love where would you be now?
And after my ex broke up with me (no lie, the most devastating experience in my life) I did spend 2 straight months on a couch crying, not eating, avoiding all human contact and just being miserable. saying "fuck school, fuck work and just fuck everything." Through time I then realized those broken feelings were enabling me to move forward and I forgot what mattered to ME the most in MY life.
And I always say to everyone, "Productive people move"... so move! there are so many other great feelings to feel. You can't just let SOME feelings over SOME number 2 get the best of you.
Not to use a preschool example but you'll see what I mean... Let's say for instance, when you were young, you flew off a curb, off your bike, fucked up your knee and now you have a horrible scar. 15 years later you look down at your scarred knee and you can actually relive the accident. You relive the physical pain and the chills go through your spine because you can imagine how it would feel if it were to happen again. And you being able to see the scar everyday because it's right in front of you can trigger some feelings too, but you move on and you know not to go flying off curbs unless you are ready. Even though it's a different degree of "feeling", you still feel it. So treat those experiences all the same or extremely similar because they all share shit in common; you grow. And just like you fell off that bike, you fell for ya number 2. Now how many people fall and don't hurt themselves?
***But all in all, I think that you heal your heart by living and doing all of the things you would like to do with the time you have or with life in general. If you are true to yourself and accomplish or work towards accomplishing your goals, shit will fall into place. And those feelings you have won't take up your time and space within the holes and cracks of your heart. It's like a subliminal change. As long as you are on your shit, happiness will present itself. And working on your heart comes from you, deep down inside. So find your joy in life and live it.
... There are billions of people in the world and each person can trigger many feelings. Number 2 just caught you off guard... There are many more feelings that will be coming your way. Take them all in and get the best out of the experiences.
(you don't want to end up like this guy... well unless you think it's necessary...)
http://vi.sualize.us/view/ae9fb3de7a367d8f279be8dd0c6d23da/
ps
I was never that much of a great writer and honestly this is the first time I have written something longer than a paragraph after my number 2 was done with me. A year and a half later and you've inspired me. Thanks for that.
-ANT